I just got a job as Rahm Emanuel's deputy political advisor!

When asked by a local reporter, mayoral candidate Rahm Emanuel would not commit to sending his children to Chicago Public Schools if elected mayor.

"I'm going to make that decision with Amy as a parent," Emanuel said. "And I know very well, having met people throughout the city -- I'm not saying what I'm going to do. But it's a decision I'm going to make with my wife and my family. And that's how I'll make that decision. I think the people of the City of Chicago will appreciate that."

He rambled in that manner for almost a full minute. His inability to answer -- or even gracefully dodge -- the question was nothing short of embarrassing. And even more troubling was that it raised concerns about whether he could handle similar questions if elected mayor.

The Emanuels have 3 children, Zach, Ilana, and Leah, who are all school-age.

Opponent Gery Chico, who served as President of the Chicago School Board, attempted to take advantage of Emanuel's gaffe by pointing out that he personally attended CPS and that his kids did as well.

"There is something to be said for leading by example and having a personal stake in the system you seek to reform," Chico said. "I would never tell a parent what decision to make for their own child, but personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking parents of more than 400,000 public school students to do something I wouldn't do myself."

I first heard this story on Chicago public radio, and later saw that it was picked up by the local papers and TV stations.

What a terrible blunder by Emanuel. By answering the question the way he did, he opened the door for Chico make a self righteous comment and look good to undecided voters.

After reading this story, I contacted Rahm Emanuel's campaign manager Scott Fairchild and told him that I can do a better job of prepping Rahm for difficult questions. After taking a look at my resume, Fairchild immediately called me into his office for an interview.

After a long interview with Fairchild, I met with Emanuel, and when our conversation ended, Emanuel stood up and extended his hand. As we shook, he said, "Cyrus, I'd like you to be my deputy political advisor."

I gladly accepted the offer.

My first order of business was for Rahm to make up for his public schools gaffe. I immediately arranged a press conference and paid a reporter $5 to ask Rahm whether he planned on sending his kids to a Chicago public school.

After Rahm had fielded a few questions, my reporter stood up and asked, "Mr. Emanuel, if you are elected Mayor, do you plan on sending your kids to Chicago public schools?"

Rahm smiled and looked down at him and said, "That's a good question, and I think it's a question that needs to be addressed because Gery Chico is insinuating that I am unfit to be Mayor because I send my children to private school."

Then Rahm looked up into the cameras and said, "Gery, one of the reasons I'm taking this job is because I want to fix Chicago's public schools. Right now, Chicago public schools are in terrible shape, and they've been this way for a long time -- I know it, you know it, and everyone in this great city knows it. One of my primary goals as Mayor will be to improve the quality of Chicago public schools -- improve them to a point where a man of my financial stature would consider sending his children to a Chicago public school. Because frankly, as things stand today, guys like me aren't sending their kids to Chicago public schools."

"And here's a question for you Gery: since when has the Mayor of a city been required to live like its poorest citizens? What's next? Do you want me to move into public housing projects? Should I fire my driver and start taking buses to work with the heathens? Should I start shopping at Aldi? Should I make my wife get a job cleaning houses?"

"Gery, I don't see why a leader needs to have a personal stake in the system he seeks to reform. I'd like to improve Chicago's homeless shelters; does that mean I have to live in one? President Obama supports the war in Afghanistan, but do you think he's going to make Malia join an Army infantry platoon after she graduates from high school?"

"And let me tell you something Gery, the irony is that I shouldn't expect a guy like you to understand any of this -- or any of the other complex issues facing our city -- because after all, you're a product of these shitty public schools. They haven't prepared you for the rigors of an intellectual life. And you haven't had enough success in your 25 years in the private sector to afford to send your children to private schools. Whereas I went to a good public school on the North Shore, and earned enough money in two years of private sector work to send my children to private school."

"You know what? I've had enough of politicians constantly pandering to the middle class and saying that they want to 'preserve' our middle class. I'm sick and tired of hearing about 'middle class this' and 'middle class that.' What about the upper class? What about our forgotten upper class? Our founding father's weren't middle class, and neither am I. And that's why I plan on lifting the citizens of this great city into America's upper class!"

The room full of reporters broke into a wild applause and standing ovation.

"Thank you, thank you." Emanuel said with his arms extended in the air and flashing peace signs.

...

This morning I received a call from Gery Chico's campaign manager, the conversation went like this:

Me -- Hello?

Caller -- Name your price.

Me -- What?

Caller -- You heard me.

Me -- Who is this?

Caller -- You know who this is.

Fiber One Update

If anyone is looking for some Fiber One bars -- I've got seven that I'm looking to get rid of.


I ate one on Monday morning, and my stomach felt uncomfortable almost immediately.

I wouldn't call what I had "diarrhea", but I certainly wouldn't call it regular. And I can't remember the last time I had so much gas and stomach discomfort.

It didn't help that I was at work -- where I share an office-space the size of a walk-in closet with two people. There were definitely times when I had to stop a conversation mid-sentence and quickly go to the bathroom. There were also times when I had to stop a conversation mid-sentence and quickly leave the room just to fart.

(I used the voice recorder on my phone to record some of my farts if anyone is interested.)

(And as far as taste was concerned: I couldn't tell the difference between the two brands.)

(And if anyone is looking for more info on the effects of Fiber One bars, please read Millis' comment on the post below.)

So I think the Fiber experiment is over.

Marketing is extremely sophisticated.

I can't even imagine the ingenious -- and borderline-diabolical -- methods that companies employ to sell their products. But I came across something this weekend that took marketing to a new level.

I care about shitting, and I care about people who care about shitting, so Thursday night I found myself listening carefully as a friend raved about the magic of Fiber One bars. He strongly recommended them and claimed they've made his dumps bigger and harder than ever. 

So when Cindy and I went to the grocery Sunday night, my primary objective was to find a box of Fiber One bars. At first, I wasn't even sure where to find them. My initial instinct was to check the cereal and granola bar aisle, but given the way my friend described the bar's effects, I thought it was just as likely I'd find them in the Pharmacy aisle with the medicine.

My first instinct turned out to be right. I found the Fiber One bars next to the granola bars. They came in a variety of flavors, so picked up a box of oats and peanut butter flavored bars and began reading:

"35% of Daily Value of Fiber" (I was hoping for 100%, or maybe 200%, or anything that would be big increase from whatever I was already getting so I could expect -- or fear -- dramatic results. I wanted shits so hard and massive that I'd be afraid of shattering a toilet every time I sat down on one.)

Next I looked at Nutrition Facts on the side of the box:

"Dietary Fiber - 9g" (Nine grams didn't sound like much, so I checked the nutritional value of the granola bars I normally buy and saw that they only had two or three grams each.)

Ingredients included: High Maltose Corn Syrup, Glycerin, Tricalcium Phosphate, Partially Defatted Peanut Flour, Mixed Tocopherols. (I expected to see a bunch of weird ingredients, so I wasn't surprised by that, however I was surprised by what was written under the ingredients:)

"Contains Peanut, Milk, Soy; May Contain Almond, Sunflower and Wheat Ingredients." (May Contain? They don't know? How is that possible? Why not just say that it does contain Almond, Sunflower and Wheat Ingredients so that customers aren't scared off by seeing that manufacturers aren't even sure what's in the bar??)

Regardless, I was buying the bars. I just had to decide on a flavor. Most of the flavors had some sort of chocolate, and I didn't like the idea of chocolate in the morning, so I just stuck with Oats and Peanut Butter. 

As I took one last look to make sure I hadn't missed any flavors, I noticed a section of bars made by a different company called "Fiber Plus." These were Fiber One's competition; the boxes for the two bars looked almost identical.

Both were the same size. 

Both contained five bars. 

Both prominently displayed the word Fiber.

Both claimed their bar provided 35% of the daily recommended fiber intake.

Both showed pictures of the bars -- in virtually identical poses. And the bars themselves looked almost identical -- down to the gooey strands hanging between the broken pieces.

Which was I supposed to buy?

I noticed that Fiber Plus bars had two extra selling points. 

First -- and less effective -- was that Fiber Plus claimed their bars were "Rich in Antioxidants, Vitamin E and Zinc." I don't know what that means -- except that pennies are made out of Zinc -- so it didn't have much affect on me.

But when I read Fiber Plus's most direct and most effective sales technique -- featured prominently on the top right corner of the box -- I felt like I had no choice

"Tastes Better than Fiber One!"

Simple as that.


I bought a box of each.

This is terrible

This is terrible. I shouldn't even post this.

But I've got blogger open and I can't resist.

I just logged onto Facebook because a friend is throwing his wife a surprise birthday party on Saturday and he sent out the invitation through Facebook. (I don't think she knows about my blog, but if she does,, sorry Jaclyn. Surprise!) (And it says a lot about Facebook that my friend would send an invite for an event using Facebook instead of e-mail.) Anyway, he wrote on the invitation that he's having the party at Rockit, so I wanted to ask whether it was at the Rockit in Lakeview or at douche-bag central in River North. But I didn't get that far because when I logged on, I noticed a newsfeed at the top of my screen from my friend Marena that said,  My friend Glenn passed away yesterday :(

The first person commented with,  Sorry to hear Marena :(

Three others commented with,  :(

And I couldn't help but wonder what the reaction would be if someone clicked that they "like" Marena's comment.

My friend Glenn passed away yesterday :(

Cyrus Irani likes this.

(Man, I told you that was terrible.)

Rest in Peace Glenn.

random stuff about TV (and requisite tangents)

One bonus of staying with my parents over Thanksgiving was having access to their cable tv.

I watched an interview with Sarah Palin, and it really made me feel sorry for her. It seems like she's in way over her head. In addition to her obvious deficiencies, remember when her 17 year-old daughter (Bristol) got pregnant out of wedlock during the 2008 campaign?

That couldn't have sat well with Palin's conservative base. And just imagine how her advisors took the news.

Here's a serious question: Upon learning that 17 year-old Bristol Palin was pregnant out of wedlock, what percentage of Sarah Palin's advisors wanted to spin the story by claiming that Bristol's Palin's child had been immaculately conceived?

(25%?)

(40%?)

...

I watched part of a Science Channel program about the Earth's atmosphere, and it made me want to learn about chemistry. I watch Planet Earth all the time and it makes me want to learn about biology.

Maybe high school science classes should be taught with the goal of simply sparking a student's interest in science -- as opposed to going in-depth. (Memorizing the periodic table meant nothing to me.) It didn't seem like we spent enough time learning about how the different fields of science can teach us about the world around us.

Teachers should save the details for college. High school science should be more fun.

...

I saw a bunch of Blockbuster video commercials that went like this: First, customers were told they had to wait 28 days for a table at a restaurant, then other customers were told they had to wait 28 days for a delayed flight, and then the punch-line: "You wouldn't wait 28 days for a table, so why wait 28 days to watch a newly released movie? Blockbuster gets new releases 28 days before Netflix and Redbox. So why wait?"

Are people that impatient?

A Netflix subscriber has access to practically every movie ever made, so they can probably find something to watch during those 28 days. I watched Annie Hall on Netflix for the first time last week (and it came out 33 years ago.) There's plenty of stuff to hold people over for 28 measly days.

I hope Blockbuster can find a better advantage to emphasize.

If you really want to feel like you're being patronized, watch the commercials during a football game. You'd think that all American men want to drive big powerful trucks and drink light beer.

I wonder what marketing works on me.

(How about the two colons in the first sentence of this section?)

...

I'm a snob.

For a man who's accomplished nothing in his life, I'm incredibly arrogant.

I'm almost unbelievably arrogant.

It's really pretty funny.

...

My favorite feature on my parent's cable is the ability to rewind and slow down what I just watched.

My second favorite feature is On-Demand.

And it's crazy how you can just record a show and save it on your cable box!

How do people with cable get anything done?

...

I think that the Blockbuster commercial really stuck out for me because I've become borderline obsessed with the Netflix app on my phone. (I watched a few movies on it last week.)

Quick notes on a few documentaries in case you're in the mood for one:

No End in Sight: About the war in Iraq, I recommend it. The thesis is unique in the sense that it doesn't argue that sending troops into Iraq to overthrow Saddam Hussein was terrible idea, rather it shows how poorly every aspect of the invasion was handled.

I'd recommend it over documentaries like War Made Easy and Fahrenheit 911, because it doesn't necessarily portray the administration as unimaginably corrupt and evil, it simply portrays them as being extremely incompetent and stupid (and imaginably corrupt.)

(Why We Fight is also a good war documentary)

South of the Border is short series of interviews with Socialist leaders of South American countries. I don't know how socialist governments actually work -- is the line drawn at land ownership? is Denmark considered socialist? -- but whether you agree with it or not, the film demonstrates that Socialism is a growing movement in South America.

Other docs I highly recommend:

Cocaine Cowboys -- about the role of cocaine in building Miami's economy (interesting economics lesson, plus lots of drug smuggling/war stories)
Tyson -- about Mike Tyson
American Pimp -- about urban pimps
Bigger, Stronger, Faster -- about steroid use in America (but also a cultural commentary)
Deep Water -- about a relatively novice sailor who enters a competition to sail around the world
Food Inc. -- about the perils of industrial agriculture

...

New addition to the blogroll: I just learned that my friend's dad has a blog, and it's pretty good. He's a longtime newsman (I think he's the best newsman in the city, this is his show) and you can tell he's an experienced newsman because his blog entries are very short and well written, and they touch on random topics of interest.

(again about me being a snob: I'M CALLING HIM THE BEST NEWSMAN IN THE CITY, AND THEN IN THE SAME SENTENCE I HAVE THE NERVE TO ASSURE MY READERS THAT HIS POSTS ARE "WELL WRITTEN")

(NO SHIT!! OF COURSE THEY'RE WELL WRITTEN!!)

WHO AM I TO COMMENT ON THE QUALITY OF PHIL PONCE'S WRITING????????

I'd probably get down on my knees and beg him for any kind of job on his show (except for cleaning bathrooms) (but I'd bring him coffee and pick up his dry-cleaning and do that sort of stuff) (shining his shoes and giving him massages is probably around the area where I'd consider drawing the line) and yet here I am, assuring people who can sit through my blog, that this man -- who is nothing less than a Chicago journalism icon -- has blog posts that are "well written"

Man, I might need to check into some kind of arrogance therapy. Is there such a thing arrogance management classes? 

Am I just an asshole?

Is it that simple?

...

Serious suggestion:

A female co-worker (Ena) was going on today about how she wants to take part in a program that uses female volunteers to hold orphaned children. She was very eager to do this.

And at that moment it struck me what women should do if they really want to help out the less fortunate.

If a woman truly wants to help the less fortunate, she should take off her clothes and dance for them.

I know, I know, trust me, I know how that sounds.

But what would bring a bigger smile to a homeless man's face than a woman's bare ass shaking in front of it?

Listen, I know that this idea couldn't be less politically correct, and I know it's probably not going to change the course of these homeless men's lives, but you've gotta admit, it'll probably be something that they'll never forget.

Maybe we can make it a charity that collects money and then hires professional strippers to dance for homeless men (and women).

("Maybe we can make it a charity..."  apparently you're in this with me.)

...

If you're in the mood to read about something fucked up

...

It's getting late and I want to go to sleep, but I really don't want to end this post with that "If you're in the mood to read about something fucked up" section.

pleasure shopping (and probably something else)

I bought a pair of Levi's 527 jeans from Urban Outfitters a few years ago. The jeans fit well, and they haven't ripped, and they were relatively inexpensive, so on my shopping trip to Oakbrook with Cindy last Sunday I went back to Urban Outfitters to buy a new pair in a different color.

After flipping through the Awkward Family Photos book for a little while (which -- after you realize is real -- really puts a lot of things in perspective) I went upstairs to the men's department and over to the table where they laid out the Levi's jeans. The table was set up the same as it had been three years ago, except for one difference:

My Levi's 527's -- which had been prominently displayed on the table three years ago -- were no longer there. The jeans on display now were of a different fit.

I read the description and wasn't sure if I'd like the new style, but I decided to give them a shot.

Here's a picture of me wearing the Levi's 527's I bought a few years ago (which I happened to be wearing that day)

And here's a picture of me wearing the new style.

Maybe a side view will give you a little better idea of the difference between the two

Jeans I bought three years ago:

Jeans that would make my legs and ass look pretty good if I was a woman:

Here's another picture, just in case

Jeans I bought three years ago:

Jeans that require me to make a decision about which pant leg to put my penis into:

After I walked out of the fitting room, one of the guys working there asked me, "How did those work out for you?"

"I don't know man. I think they might be a little tight."

"Yeah," he replied, "that's how they run."

"Do you guys still carry the 527's?"

"Ooh, no, we don't have those anymore at this store, but Levi's still makes them. Try another store, like maybe Kohl's, I think they'll have them there."

"Really? Kohls??"

So I bought the jeans.

...

Has anyone else seen these new Apple Store's that sell Microsoft products?

Either that, or it's the most blatant display of copying a competitor's image I've ever seen.

It's absolutely shameless! They copied everything: the white theme, the organization of products inside, and even the salesmen's uniforms. I almost felt sorry for Microsoft while I was walking around in there. 

...

Another day, another Chicago police officer patrolling the city streets on horseback.

...

Ok, I didn't buy those tight jeans, but I'm starting to think I can pull them off.

Job Opening at cyrus2k.blogspot.com

I am looking to hire someone to read through all of my fan mail.

Please e-mail your application materials

In addition to reading my fan mail, the person I hire will also be responsible for responding to fan mail and pretending that the response was from me.

Compensation for the position will be 5% of the advertising revenue from this blog.

Overheard on the Bus this morning:

I was sitting on the bus this morning and overheard this conversation between the two girls behind me.

Girl 1 – So did you??

Girl 2 – (hesitates) Yes

Girl 1 – (gets excited) So,,, How was it?

Girl 2 – Well, it was good,

Girl 1 – Ooooh!

Girl 2 – It started out great, and

Girl 1 – What happened? Tell me everything that happened after you left the bar.

Girl 2 – Ok, so we walked back to his condo – he’s got a really nice place in Old Town – and then we sat and talked for a while and then he opened a bottle of wine and put on some music.

Girl 1 – Ooh, very romantic.

Girl 2 – It was. So we drank and talked. And I think I was a little tipsy because I was trying to get him to dance with me, but eventually we started making out – he’s a great kisser.

Girl 1 – Ohhhh,

Girl 2 – Then one thing led to another and we were in his bedroom.

Girl 1 – Sounds great so far.

Girl 2 – It was. And then, actually, he didn’t have any protection so he ran across the street to a Walgreens and…

Girl 1 – (Interrupting) Ok, ok, just skip to the good stuff. Was he big?

Girl 2 – Above average for sure.

Girl 1 – So how was it?

Girl 2 – It was good, he was really good. He was older, so seemed to know his way around the bed, and I’m pretty sure he takes Viagra.

Girl 1 – Oh, I love it when guys are on Viagra

Girl 2 – I’ve had mixed experiences, but it didn’t make him crazy or anything.

Girl 1 – Ok, so then what?

Girl 2 – Then he asked me to call him “Daddy” – and I’ve been with a black guy before, so I didn’t think that was a big deal, so I started calling him “Daddy”

Girl 1 – And then what?

Girl 2 – So after I was calling him “daddy” he got even more into it and it got better, and then he asked “Who’s your daddy?” So I told him that he was.

Girl 1 – I’ve heard about guys who are into that kind of stuff.

Girl 2 – Yeah, and then he kept telling me to call him daddy and dad and papi

Girl 1 – And?

Girl 2 – And so I did. And he was really into it, and it was great, but

Girl 1 – But what?

Girl 2 – But then he said, “Tell me you want me to give you your allowance early this week.”

Girl 1 – What?

Girl 2 – Yeah, I know. So I was like, “Uh, what?” and he just said it again. He said, “Ask me if you can have your allowance early this week.”

Girl 1 – That’s weird.

Girl 2 – Yeah, very weird, and I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. So he got kind of flustered and said, “Ok, ok, then ask me if I’ll drive you and your friends to the mall tomorrow.”

Girl 1 – Oh my God.

Girl 2 – Yeah.

Girl 1 – So what’d you do?

Girl 2 – What else could I do? I jumped off the bed, took off the Sesame Street t-shirt he gave me, put my clothes back on and got the hell out of there!

Cruz Control

The fifth and deciding game of the American League Divisional Series between the underdog Texas Rangers and the Tampa Bay Rays was tied 1-1 with two outs in the top of the fourth inning when the Rangers' young slugger Nelson Cruz came up to face the Rays' All-Star pitcher David Price.

Tampa Bay entered the postseason with the best record baseball, and Price was not only their best pitcher, but was one of the one best pitchers in baseball. On the other hand, Texas entered the post season with the worst record of any playoff team and had not been expected to even make it to the fifth game of this series.

But with two balls and two strikes in the fourth inning of a 1-1 game, Cruz crushed a pitch to left center field and -- abandoning baseball etiquette -- stood in the batter's box and admired his shot for a couple of seconds before beginning his slow celebratory home-run trot around the bases.

As Cruz approached first base, he realized that the ball had not left the park, but had actually bounced off the wall and back into the field of play, so he hustled to second base.


It is considered showboating for a hitter to stand in the batter's box and admire his shot after hitting a home-run. However, ever since players like Barry Bonds and Manny Ramirez began doing it regularly, more players have taken to admiring their home-run balls and trotting around the bases. (If a hitter did this before the Bonds/Ramirez era, he was likely to get a ball thrown at him in his next at-bat.)

Cruz has slightly above average speed, so he could have easily made it to third base on the play if he had hustled -- some especially fast runners might have even scored. But instead, the home-run trot cost Cruz third base, and so with two outs in the top of the 4th, Cruz was stuck on second base.


The chances of a runner with Cruz's speed scoring from third base on a single is similar to his chances of scoring from second. So in that sense, being on second base with two outs versus being on third base was not a significant disadvantage. However, there is a definite advantage to being at third base because in addition to the greater chances of scoring on a single, there is also the possibility of scoring on a wild pitch (which can't be done from second.)

Johnnie O and I got quite a kick out this. We laughed at Cruz for trotting around the bases on a ball that didn't go out of the park, and we imagined how angry his coaches and teammates must have been. Even more, we laughed at how embarrassed Cruz himself must have been for showboating and costing his team a base at the most important moment of the most important game of his life.

We imagined what must have been going through Cruz's mind as he stood there on second base, helpless, knowing that every player on both teams, plus the thousands of fans in attendance and millions of fans watching on national television had just seen him make an incredibly dumb play.


Another rule of thumb in baseball is that a baserunner should never make the final out of an inning at third base, because like I said above, the chances of scoring from third on a single are only slightly greater than they are from second (so a runner shouldn't take the chance of being thrown out at third and completely wiping out any scoring possibility.) (And the possibility of scoring on a wild pitch is negligible compared to a runner's chances of being thrown out trying to steal third base.)

Stealing third base is a difficult task in major league baseball. The throw from home plate to third base is much shorter than the throw from home plate to second base, and since being on third base with two outs is not much of an upgrade over being at second base with two outs, stealing third base with two outs is something that almost never happens.

But Cruz knew he had messed up by admiring his shot, so on Price's very first pitch to the next batter, Cruz took off to steal third!

Cruz is a player known more for his power than his speed, but not being one to abide by conventional wisdom, he attempted to atone for his showboating by trying to steal third base with two outs in a tie game of the deciding game of a playoff series against the best team in baseball!


"Oh my God, what an idiot!!" I shouted as he took off for third.

I imagined the wrath that Cruz -- who had only stolen third base 12 times in his entire six year career, and probably never with two outs -- would face as he went back to the dugout to get his glove after being thrown out to end the inning and wiping out his team's chance to take the lead in the final game of the series.

Johnnie O said what Texas manager Ron Washington was likely thinking, "Oh nooooo!"

"He's either dumb, or he's crazy!"I shouted.


Not only did Cruz's steal attempt surprise me and Johnnie O, but it also surprised the Rays. Pitcher David Price barely even looked back to hold Cruz at second base before going into a full windup and throwing a slow breaking ball -- both of which are more susceptible to a stolen base. And catcher Kelly Shoppach didn't seem ready to make a throw, because the throw he made to catch Cruz at third was off target.

As third baseman Evan Longoria jumped to try and catch the errant throw from Shoppach, Cruz slid in underneath him and safely into third base.

And when the ball went flying over Longoria's head and into left field, Cruz got up and ran in to score the go-ahead run!


Looking back, I think maybe Cruz is smarter than I initially gave him credit. Maybe he trotted to second on purpose because he wanted to catch the Rays off guard by trying to steal third and forcing a bad throw that would allow him to score the go-ahead run. If he had hustled to third like he was supposed to on his long fly ball, then he would have had to rely on the next batter to drive him in. Instead, Nelson Cruz -- the pride of Monte Cristi -- took matters into his own hands.

Nelson Cruz, I salute you!!

Here's the highlight.


And for all of my female fans who didn't care much for this baseball post, here's a picture of Nelson Cruz naked:

(Well, he's naked, but you can't see anything more than the top of his buttcrack. So I apologize to women and gay men (and straight men) who were hoping to see his penis or his asshole.)

Picture of the Day (and probably a bunch of other bullshit)

I walked outside last Saturday morning with Cindy and said, "You know what? I may not have the best hair in the city, but I have the most important hair in the city."

She wasn't sure how to respond, so I gave her my phone and told her to take a picture of my hair. Here's the picture she took.

(That aura always follows my hair)

...

Chicago made a push for the 2016 Olympic games last year, but ended up losing out to Rio Di Janeiro. Although it seemed kind of obvious, no one really explained what it takes to be selected to host the Olympic games, so I checked out the Frequently Asked Questions section of the Olympic Games website and took a look for myself.

Here's what I found on the site:


How are the host cities of the Olympic Games chosen?

After a detailed evaluation of the candidate cities, the International Olympic Committee awards the right to organize the Olympic Games to the city that offers the largest bribe.


...


We take clothes for granted. Big time.

Imagine if you were dropped off on a desert island naked. How long do you think it would be before you were wearing a pair of pants?

...


I was fighting to stay awake at work this afternoon (which is pretty much what I do every afternoon) and I thought to myself, "Man, if there is a God, then that motherfucker's really got sick sense of humor. He really does."

...


He really fucking does, man.

...


Speaking of God, I went to a wedding in a Catholic church a few weeks ago. The church was huge and spectacularly ornate, and some of its art was very unique for a Catholic church.

This was the front of the church. You can see the priest on the left. 

And this was the mural on the domed ceiling

And here was some stained glass

And here was even more stained glass.

And this was one of the many murals of Jesus

Picture of the Day

I saw a few pieces I liked at an art gallery this weekend, which led me to this question:

(I'll get to the question)

This was one of the paintings I liked (it was huge, five feet by three feet):

I once got fixated on a close-up picture of a gorilla at the Old Town Art Fair a couple of years ago because it looked like the gorilla had a lot on his mind. And this seagull painting kind of captured the same thing.

It especially caught my attention because I had once tried to get a similar image of a seagull a couple of years ago (but I couldn't zoom in as far as I liked.)

I'm fascinated by urban birds. They have absolutely no fear of people. A big group of them nest under the bridge at Diversey harbor, and even when huge crowds of people congregate out there, the seagulls just go about their business like nothing is out of the ordinary.

I'd hang this painting up in my apartment, but I imagined it took a very long time to paint and would cost a lot more than I can afford.

I looked at the tag just in case:

I loved the title! It added even more to the painting. But unfortunately, it would take me a long time to make $2,800. And since my job is extremely boring, I'd probably buy that painting and look at it hanging on my wall and think to myself, "Was this painting really worth three weeks off?"

(An unfortunate side effect of having a boring job that pays by the hour is that you think of every potential purchase in terms of how much time off you could take if you didn't buy it.)

So I didn't buy the painting, but I took a picture of it. And I wondered: What if I took my picture of it and printed it out and hung it up in my apartment (along with a picture of the title, and maybe even a small version of my original picture of the seagull on the beach) and then sent the artist a small donation? (very small, like $10)

How would the artist feel about that?

Picture of the Day (and a bunch of other bullshit)

(That last post was pretty good -- I thought about taking a break. But no -- I'm back to provide electric prose to electric prose addicts.)

I'd love to find another blog like mine. Is some guy -- or girl -- sitting around in Birmingham Alabama doing what I'm doing?

Most of my friends' blogs have died unceremonious deaths. I don't have many friends left who blog consistently. It ain't easy.

Nania blogs consistently. She's still in the honeymoon phase with her blog, but she could be different because she knows she's a writer and expressing herself seems to come naturally. (Although I think she prefers writing fiction.)

Dirk is inconsistent, but you'll get the occasional gem like this to sum up a rant about being annoyed by airport security,

I wish I had the time and money to travel by train and ocean liner.

Pretty much sums up exactly what Dirk and I stand for.

And John's movie review blog is updated consistently, but I'm not as into movies as those guys.

Here are a few quick tangents from John's blog (Reel Nerds):

I saw a preview for Catfish over the weekend. It looked interesting, and I was kind of curious to see the outcome of the big cliffhanger they hyped up, but not curious enough to remember that I had been kind of curious about it. (I completely forgot about it.) But then last night I read the Reel Nerds preview of Catfish and got curious about it again, but didn't want to actually sit through the entire movie, so I just googled "Catfish spoiler" and read about what happens.

I also saw a preview for Life As We Know It over the weekend and thought about the men who are going to get dragged to go see it. And I appreciated Cindy for never trying to drag me to stuff like that. (Not to say that I'm immune to stuff like that -- I enjoyed One Fine Day and Knotting Hill (in the comfort of my home)) (And speaking of Hugh Grant, I know this is an extremely old topic, but what the hell was that guy doing trying to buy sex on the street? That's just funny to me. (Seriously, it's making me laugh out loud right now.) Not so much that he'd hire a prostitute, but just that a rich celebrity like Hugh Grant would just roll down the street, pull up next to the sluttiest looking woman he saw and offer her money for a blowjob.) (I'll tell you what: That's on his people. I don't even blame Hugh Grant. It's just like Tiger Woods. That is 100% on his people. If a guy like Hugh Grant wants to purchase fellatio, he should have a manager or a fixer to whom he can make a phone call and be directed to a reliable madame. Unless of course, Hugh Grant is not into the sex act itself as much as he's into the idea of picking up random slutty women on the street and purchasing dick suckings for trivial amounts of money. In that case, I guess it is what it is.)

(I remember getting a kick out of Juice referring to getting his dick sucked as getting "slobbed." Which was short for "slobbering on your knob." That still makes me laugh. I've never thought of the woman as actually slobbering, and I've never referred to my dick as my knob. (I only refer to it as, "my dick" and "my big dick"))

(And sometimes I'll refer to my balls as "the future")

(Just kidding about referring to it as "my big dick", but I kind of wish I wasn't --- not so much about having a big dick, but just referring to it as "my big dick")

(And I'm not kidding about "the future")

But anyway, back towards my original point: The movie reviewers for Reel Nerds are fairly highbrow and proudly pretentious. So it was also funny to think about one of their learned and proudly pretentious film buffs -- in this case Allen Grindley II -- sitting through Life As We Know It.

I love the line Grindley uses to start the third paragraph of his review,

I was somewhat surprised to learn that this film is not as terrible as I expected it to be.

The entire paragraph is great. Here, I'll just give you the whole thing:

I was somewhat surprised to learn that this film is not as terrible as I expected it to be. It has a handful of chuckles and a few really sweet moments. The leads play their part to the best of the story's abilities, and considering I normally can't stand Heigl or Duhamel that is as close to a complement as I'm going to give. The fatal sin that this film is guilty of committing is its absolutely painful predictability. Once the setup has been established the film essentially turns into a massive montage segment where these two use a series of trial and error methods of child rearing techniques that come complete with plenty of the stereotypical poop and puke jokes.

That's just good writing.

...


Riding public transportation everyday gives me sample of what people are reading (and what mobile devices people are using.) (and by "people" I mean, young professionals who live on the north side of Chicago.)

I never ask anyone for an opinion on what they're reading on public transportation because I don't like bothering people during their commute. Yesterday I even fought the urge to interrupt a guy who was starting Blink -- even though I desperately wanted to do him a favor and say, "Listen, I've never said a word to anyone about a book during their commute in my life, but trust me on this: read only Chapters 1 and 6, and then put this book down. Or, don't listen to me and read the whole thing, and then at least you'll know I was being honest with you, and you'll know to trust the next asshole who says something like this to you."

(but I wasn't sure about the chapter numbers)

(and I really liked the thesis in that book, it just seemed like it could have been summed up in a quarter of the space)


My favorite story about reading on public transportation came from Johnnie O, who once saw a guy on the train reading the big John Adams biography. But when Johnnie took a closer look, he noticed that the guy had put the John Adams hardcover jacket over a Harry Potter book.

So that gets me closer to what was supposed to be the point of this post:

Here is a list of the three books I've seen most often read by commuters on Chicago public transportation between Lakeview and the Loop this decade (excluding 2004-2006):

3. Harry Potter -- What was the John Adams guy worried about? From 2002-2003, I don't think I went a single train ride without seeing someone reading Harry Potter. (Although, the #3 ranking is disproportionately high because there are seven Harry Potter books.) (I've never read one.)

And I hate people who recommend Harry Potter to me.

Fuck you. Do I look like the kind of asshole who wants to sit around and read about wizards and dragons and shit?

(Ok, I'm exaggerating. I won't knock Harry Potter until I've tried it.)


2. Eat Pray Love -- This ranking is even more remarkable given that I have never seen a man reading it.


1. The Breast -- Just kidding. But I actually read this, and it's pretty bad. (And that's coming from a guy who likes some of Roth's other stuff (especially the Kepesh series.))


1. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo -- I see this book in someone's hands at least twice a day. At least.

How popular is this book? When I type "the" into the search bar on Amazon.com, the first autofill suggestion is "The Office" and the second is "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"

Cindy has read the first two. I read the first chapter of the first one and liked it, so I'll probably read it at some point.

When we went to Turks and Caicos for our honeymoon, we saw people reading it at the airport, on the plane, on the beach, and even the native girl working the convenient store outside our hotel was reading it.

Cindy was reading the sequel on the beach one day, and guess what the woman in the very next chair was reading?

...

YouTube is a good place to listen to music. I listened to Metal on Metal by Anvil today, and after the video ended, one of the related videos was a cover of the song by a band called Six Feet Under. Even if you don't like the song, just listen to the first 40 seconds of each version.

Anvil's Original Version of Metal on Metal

Six Feet Under's Version of Metal on Metal

...

I like politics, but I hate politics.

I saw at least 15 negative campaign ads during the Bears game Sunday night.

And not one positive ad.


And then I read a few scathing political op-ed's today.

If you only read the New York Times, you'd think that the Republican party is nothing more than a handful of billionaires and major corporations who secretly fund political organizations with the sole purpose of indoctrinating uneducated voters in order to decrease taxes and financial regulations so that rich people can preserve their wealth.

And if you only read the Wall Street Journal, you'd think that the Democratic party is nothing more than a handful of organized labor groups who secretly fund political organizations with the sole purpose of indoctrinating uneducated voters in order to raise taxes and disproportionately distribute the nation's wealth to the aforementioned labor groups.

...

Here's a short post on the Economist about a proposed "Taxpayer receipt" that would give everyone an itemized listing of what their federal tax dollars went towards.

I think it's a good idea -- it kind of reminds me of John Kass's idea to make people write a check for their tax payments at the end of the year rather than have taxes automatically deducted from each paycheck.

(I'm definitely not one of those anti-tax lunatics. I agree with the saying "Taxes are what we pay for civilized society", but I think that itemizing the expenses might encourage a little more responsibility)

Speaking of the Economist: I like going on their website once in a while and getting their take things. But it takes a certain kind of person have a subscription and read that thing cover to cover.

...

Ok I'm going to add to the title of this post

lack of control

(taken down to proofread)

real quick quickies

After I paid for my lunch today, the girl at the register asked whether I wanted a receipt. I hesitated because this weekend Cindy read me part of an article saying that the ink on certain receipts can cause cancer. (I took the receipt anyway. (And then I threw it out immediately (which is what I always do with receipts.)))

Afterwards, I e-mailed Cindy to say that I was a bit paranoid about taking a receipt because of what she had read to me. She responded by telling me she had also just read an article saying that sunscreen may cause cancer (which was troubling to her because she likes to go out in the sun and wear sunscreen.)

Then I remembered that this weekend we had checked what kind of plastic our water bottles were made of because the receipt article also said that certain plastic bottles can cause cancer.

And when I thought about all of this, I realized the primary cause of cancer:

Not having cancer.

...

I sit next to a girl at work, and when I got back to my desk this afternoon, she told me that she was feeling full from eating a big salad. I wanted to respond, "Yeah, I'm feeling full too, which is weird because I just took a big heavy dump."

But I didn't say that. Instead, I said, "Yeah, me too."

Probably because once on another project I sat across from a girl while I was on a Subway kick, and she was asking me all of these questions about why I liked Subway, and so I eventually replied, "Because not only does a Subway sandwich taste good going in, but it feels wonderful and clean coming out."

The girls acted all grossed out, and so I told her not to ask questions to which she was not prepared to hear the answers.

So can I talk about my dumps at work with women in scientific detail, or not?

What else are shit aficionados like Millis and I supposed to talk about? We're sportsmen.

Shitting matters.

...

Remember this note from a little while ago:

Juice had the copper pipes stolen from his air conditioner for the second time this year 

This is especially annoying because the thief will only get $75 for the pipes, but it will cost over $500 to repair the air conditioner.

I gave Juice the following advice after the first theft, and I'll say it again now: He should put a note on the air conditioner that says this:

Dear Thief,

Instead of stealing my copper pipes, please bring this note to my front door and I will give you $100 cash.

Well, since then, Juice had a cage put around his air conditioner.

So the following week, there was a ring on Juice's doorbell. And when Juice answered, a man stood there and calmly said, "Just give me $100 cash or I'll kill you. Simple as that. Sorry you had to waste money on that cage. And we can set up direct deposit if you don't want me coming over here every month."

...

Lets play, find the adulterated word on the chalkboard at Potbelly's...

Quickies

I'm not going to waste your time and -- more importantly -- my time with this Park51/Cordoba House "controversy." (Long story short: a man who owns land a couple blocks north of Ground Zero wants to build a Mosque there, and some people vehemently oppose it.)

(Here are arguments in favor and against it if you're interested)

(I support the argument in favor of building it because having the freedom to believe what you want to believe and voice those beliefs is kind of the whole point of America.)

And I'll also add that I think it's hypocritical when people use the word "freedom" to demand the right to own guns and not pay taxes, and then forget the meaning of the word when it comes to building a place of worship on private property.

I'd respect their argument if they simply said, "I want to be free to do the things I want to do. And I want you to be free to do the things I want to do."

(I'm serious. I wouldn't agree with it, but I'd respect that argument.)

And it's kind of troubling that we live in a media environment where some of those people -- who are either dumb or dishonest -- can have such a powerful voice.

(and meanwhile I've got two people reading this cock-forsaken blog)


(did anyone else get a laugh out of the "I'm not going to waste your time -- and more importantly -- my time" line at the beginning of this post? I thought it was kind of funny when I wrote it, but then I got a really big laugh out of it when I proofread it.)

...

Businesses have to pay a service charge for accepting credit cards, and so I sympathize with them for wanting customers to pay with cash. However, I prefer paying with a card because I don't like carrying change in my pocket.

So I propose this compromise: businesses should have prices that come out to whole numbers after tax. (or offer combos that come out to whole numbers after tax)

Or, perhaps more realistically: businesses should offer customers half of what the credit card fee would have been as a reward for paying with cash.

...

Here's a link to Nania's blog.

(Nania is Cindy's friend (who I mentioned in the previous post) who quit her job to go back to school at University of Michigan to get her MFA in creative writing. And not only is she getting a full scholarship to go to Michigan, but she's getting a stipend to cover her living expenses! AND, she only has class two days a week!!)

(So they shouldn't call it an MFA program. They should call it what it really is:  heaven.)

(And I'm almost starting to get out of control with the parentheses.)

(Almost.)

But seriously, when Nania becomes a famous novelista, you'll be able to say that you were reading her blog before anyone else had ever heard of her.

(I only used the word "novelista" because this morning Cindy referred to me as a "barista" since I make her coffee. I thought that sounded kind of feminine, but she assured me that "barista" refers to men and women. (I was thinking "barister" or "baristo" sounded more masculine.))

The Case Against High Definition Movies

Most people think I'm crazy when I tell them I prefer watching movies in Standard Definition.

High Definition movies look too real. It makes me feel like I'm on the set watching actors read their lines. There's a certain separation that I've grown accustomed to with Standard Definition, and it's just not there in HD.

Now don't get me wrong, I'd rather watch sports and nature shows in HD. But I think that's because I'd actually want to be at the sporting event -- as close to the action as possible. (And the same is true with the nature shows.)

But I don't want to be on a movie set.

Ok, here's long one

Preface --

I wrote the following story about four months ago, and then kind of forgot about it.

It's long, and the thought of proofreading it was daunting, so I just let it sit in my computer.

But this morning, Cindy's best friend Nania started a blog. Nania is a very smart and thoughtful writer who I admire for giving up a promising career as a speech pathologist in order to pursue her dream of being a fiction writer. (She recently an MFA program at University of Michigan.) Some of you may remember Nania from my wedding -- she was Cindy's maid of honor, and she gave a speech that made me laugh, and then made me cry, and then made me think, "Holy shit! How the hell is Darayus supposed to follow that??"

(And to his credit, he went up there and followed it.)

So anyway, Nania dedicated her first blog post to me! She even said that the writing on this blog inspired her to start blogging. (Needless to say, I was honored.)

(Ok, she didn't cite the "In Defense of Tony Heyward" post I just linked to. But I reread that post today -- and there's some good stuff in there.)

(I'll link to her blog later. For now she only wants the people she told to read it -- until she becomes more comfortable with blogging. And more importantly, her blog probably doesn't have the bandwidth to handle the millions of hits she'll get if I link to her blog.)

Nania's first post was about her first day in an Asian-American Literary and Cultural Studies class (which -- unbeknownst to her -- was a PhD level course, full of PhD level minds.) At one point she wrote about her reasons for taking the class, one of which was this,

I'm also interested in "trans-culturalism"... where people feel they are essentially caught in the middle of two different cultures -- and have experienced how alienating and difficult it is to live in the "in-between."

That is not necessarily what the following story is about, but reading that sentence certainly reminded me of it.

--------

I'll repost this