I can't even imagine the ingenious -- and borderline-diabolical -- methods that companies employ to sell their products. But I came across something this weekend that took marketing to a new level.
I care about shitting, and I care about people who care about shitting, so Thursday night I found myself listening carefully as a friend raved about the magic of Fiber One bars. He strongly recommended them and claimed they've made his dumps bigger and harder than ever.
So when Cindy and I went to the grocery Sunday night, my primary objective was to find a box of Fiber One bars. At first, I wasn't even sure where to find them. My initial instinct was to check the cereal and granola bar aisle, but given the way my friend described the bar's effects, I thought it was just as likely I'd find them in the Pharmacy aisle with the medicine.
My first instinct turned out to be right. I found the Fiber One bars next to the granola bars. They came in a variety of flavors, so picked up a box of oats and peanut butter flavored bars and began reading:
"35% of Daily Value of Fiber" (I was hoping for 100%, or maybe 200%, or anything that would be big increase from whatever I was already getting so I could expect -- or fear -- dramatic results. I wanted shits so hard and massive that I'd be afraid of shattering a toilet every time I sat down on one.)
Next I looked at Nutrition Facts on the side of the box:
"Dietary Fiber - 9g" (Nine grams didn't sound like much, so I checked the nutritional value of the granola bars I normally buy and saw that they only had two or three grams each.)
Ingredients included: High Maltose Corn Syrup, Glycerin, Tricalcium Phosphate, Partially Defatted Peanut Flour, Mixed Tocopherols. (I expected to see a bunch of weird ingredients, so I wasn't surprised by that, however I was surprised by what was written under the ingredients:)
"Contains Peanut, Milk, Soy; May Contain Almond, Sunflower and Wheat Ingredients." (May Contain? They don't know? How is that possible? Why not just say that it does contain Almond, Sunflower and Wheat Ingredients so that customers aren't scared off by seeing that manufacturers aren't even sure what's in the bar??)
Regardless, I was buying the bars. I just had to decide on a flavor. Most of the flavors had some sort of chocolate, and I didn't like the idea of chocolate in the morning, so I just stuck with Oats and Peanut Butter.
As I took one last look to make sure I hadn't missed any flavors, I noticed a section of bars made by a different company called "Fiber Plus." These were Fiber One's competition; the boxes for the two bars looked almost identical.
Both were the same size.
Both contained five bars.
Both prominently displayed the word Fiber.
Both claimed their bar provided 35% of the daily recommended fiber intake.
Both showed pictures of the bars -- in virtually identical poses. And the bars themselves looked almost identical -- down to the gooey strands hanging between the broken pieces.
Which was I supposed to buy?
I noticed that Fiber Plus bars had two extra selling points.
First -- and less effective -- was that Fiber Plus claimed their bars were "Rich in Antioxidants, Vitamin E and Zinc." I don't know what that means -- except that pennies are made out of Zinc -- so it didn't have much affect on me.
But when I read Fiber Plus's most direct and most effective sales technique -- featured prominently on the top right corner of the box -- I felt like I had no choice
"Tastes Better than Fiber One!"
Simple as that.
I bought a box of each.
