on Tiger Woods:

If you haven’t read the recent news on Tiger Woods, here’s a quick update:

Tiger Woods suffered minor injuries after crashing his SUV into a fire hydrant outside his house at 2:25 on Friday morning. The accident happened at such a low speed that the airbags did not deploy, but nonetheless Woods’ wife broke the back windows with a golf club so he could safely exit the vehicle.

This raised questions about the cause of the collision and why the windows were broken, because if the impact wasn’t enough to deploy his airbags, it probably didn't cause enough damage to prevent him from opening the front door (and almost certainly not enough to prevent him from opening the back door.)

Rumors circulated that Woods had been caught cheating on his wife and was fleeing the house as she smashed the windows of his SUV with a golf club.

A few days after the accident, a woman told the press that she had been having an affair with Woods and had voicemails and text messages to prove it. And since then, women in the nightclub and sex industries have been coming out of the woodwork with similar claims. (p.inc.*2)

On nearly every news website you can find a rant by some columnist claiming that this incident will tarnish Tiger Woods’ image. But the truth is, although many images will be tarnished, Tiger’s image will be just fine.

There is no doubt that Woods will lose some of his endorsement deals. But for every endorsement he loses, he will gain another.

He might lose Gatorade, but he’ll be perfect for a hip new brand of Vodka.

He might lose Accenture, but I imagine there will be a bidding war for him between Trojan and Durex condoms.

He may no longer be the spokesman for the Gillette Mach 3 razor, but it sounds like he’ll be the perfect pitchman for the Gillette Venus woman’s razor.

So although Tiger’s image may change, it won’t necessarily get any worse.

The first image that will actually be tarnished is that of Tiger Woods’ wife.

First of all, lets remember that we’re talking about Tiger Woods. The highest paid, and arguably highest profile athlete on the planet! (with respect to maybe Michael Jordan and Sachin Tendulkar.)

Isn’t his wife overreacting? Did she really need to attack him and cause a car accident that transformed Tiger’s infidelity from a private domestic quarrel into front page national news?

Was she truly surprised to learn that he’d slept with another woman or two? Or hundred?

If she wanted to marry a man who would have been completely faithful, she shouldn’t have married Tiger Woods. She should have married a Tiger Woods fan.

She should have gone to a local sports bar or country club and taken her pick. She should have found a nice middle class man who would have been satisfied coming home to her every night.

She probably shouldn’t have married a young, good looking, extremely competitive and unimaginably wealthy celebrity athlete who spends his nights hanging out in dance clubs with Michael Jordan.

Do you know why men who don’t cheat on their wives, don’t cheat on their wives?

Because for the average faithful man, the opportunity to cheat will only present itself once every few years, and when it does, the man has had plenty of time to see it coming and think about it and know how much it will hurt his wife and know that he can just as easily go home and masturbate and rid himself of the urge and feel great about the fact that he didn’t cheat on his wife.

But for Tiger Woods – he’s probably only met one or two women in the last few years who wouldn’t fuck him. (on the spot.)

(and of those two women who said no, one of them probably only said no because it had to be “on the spot”, she would have gladly stepped into a bedroom or an alley with him)

Every single day of his life, Tiger Woods probably meets at least 10 women who would not only fuck him, but would break their all of their sexual rules for him. They’d probably ask him to do things that they wouldn’t let their last boyfriend – or current boyfriend – do.

How could Tiger Woods not cheat on his wife?

Every man in a relationship has had a moment of weakness or sadness or anger, a moment when he will consider being unfaithful.

But do you know what the average man does when he feels that way? Nothing.

Maybe he’ll watch a little porn, or maybe he’ll go to a bar and get drunk. Maybe he’ll even get drunk and call that woman at the office who always flirts with him, and she’ll think he is creepy for getting drunk and calling him, and their friendship will never be the same.

But you know what Tiger Woods does when he has a moment when he considers being unfaithful? He opens his eyes.

He opens his eyes and sees 10 women eager to fuck him. (and keep it to themselves)

Of course that motherfucker fucks.

Martin Luther King fucked. Gandhi fucked. Thomas Jefferson fucked. JFK fucked. Obama fucks.

Michael Jordan fucked a girl in the back seat of his SUV in the parking lot of a golf course in broad daylight, without a condom.*

Bill Clinton got his dick sucked in the OVAL OFFICE!

(And I’d be willing to bet that he’s far from the only President to have ejaculated in the Oval Office.)

(I’d be willing to bet that more Presidents have ejaculated in the Oval Office than haven’t.)

These are the most ambitious, powerful, competitive alpha men in the world.

If anything, Tiger’s wife should be thankful that he doesn’t have a bunch single moms knocking on his door demanding paternity tests and child support payments.

Tiger’s wife should talk to John Edwards’ wife or Jesse Jackson’s wife what that’s like.

(*I heard a second hand account of the Jordan story)

After Tiger’s wife, the next image to be tarnished will be that of the woman who’s been telling the media about her affair with Woods.

Her days of exchanging text messages and getting fucked by celebrities in Vegas bathrooms are over.

Even regular guys are going to think twice before getting involved with her. What if she gets into a fight with her next boyfriend? Who’s to say she’s not going to tell everyone about all of his sexual irregularities and inadequacies? Or just post all of his private messages on the internet?

Is some guy going to want to take her to his company Christmas party while a bunch of his friends are huddling in the corner saying stuff like, “There’s that woman who fucked Tiger Woods and told everyone about it.”

And then when he introduces her to his friends, they’ll say, “Hey, aren’t you that woman who fucked Tiger Woods and told everyone about it?”

Which leads me to the third reputation that will be tarnished – and this is the reputation that will be MOST tarnished: the reputation of Tiger Woods’ people.

It is safe to assume that Tiger Woods has an army of lawyers, publicists, managers and bodyguards. So why not spend an extra $100,000 a year and hire someone to manage his extramarital affairs?

A guy like Tiger Woods shouldn’t be exchanging text messages with women like this:

A guy like Tiger Woods shouldn’t be leaving voicemails for women who pose for pictures like this, with douche-bags like this:

There has to be an intermediary!

Do you know why we don’t hear stories about Bill Gates having extramarital affairs? Because there is a man on Microsoft’s payroll whose only job is to screen and handle all communications to and from any woman with whom Bill Gates will even consider copulating.

And in Tiger Woods’ situation, he won’t even have to pay the person’s salary. Nike will gladly tell its shareholders that they’ve invested $150,000/year in someone to manage Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs.

(There’s a serious argument for a breach of fiduciary duty lawsuit if it can be shown that someone on Nike’s board knew about this.)

And it’s one thing if a celebrity doesn’t have a manager of extramarital affairs because he is in the midst of a single and longstanding affair with a woman he trusts. (like John Edwards who happened to get caught by someone with a camera (and eventually because he impregnated the woman))

But Tiger Woods was just out there recklessly banging nightclub hostess and reality TV stars. It was downright irresponsible for him to be taking the chances he was taking given how incredibly low his standards had been set, and yet still not to have a competent employee managing his affairs. Tiger Woods should do nothing less than have someone on payroll as a bodyguard who handles all interactions with his mistresses short of a few minutes of flirting and the actual fucking.

(although there is an argument to be made that the affairs manager should also fuck the potential mistress before Woods to make sure that Tiger isn’t in for any unpleasant surprises)

Not all men are faithful, but some are. Some men will gladly sacrifice the thrill of sexual conquest in exchange for the joys of having a monogamous life partner. However, if you’re a woman looking for those types of men, perhaps Nike commercials aren’t the best place to start.