New Year

My New Year's resolution is to post on my blog at least once a week.

baby steps

our next president (according to a sportsbook)

My sportsbook takes action on politics from time to time. For example, I made money betting on the 2005 Papal Conclave, and afterwards, experienced the worst case of "should have bet more" bettors remorse of my life.

A handful of candidates remained when I placed my bet. Just days before the announcement, CNN ran a story confidently predicting that Ratzinger would be named. They cited several unnamed sources close to the conclave. I thought to myself, "CNN is a credible source, and they sound extremely confident about this,,, I might as well take Ratzinger while my book is still offering the action."

Just before betting my entire account balance on Ratzinger, a thought crossed my mind, "What if the sportsbooks are leaking that information to CNN get the action on Ratzinger??? Maybe I'll just make a conservative bet."

STUPID! As if bookies are out there leaking information to CNN about the Papal Conclave!!! And CNN either trusts the information enough to put it on the air, or are themselves on the payroll!

So in my mind, of all the interest in the Papal Conclave, no group wielded as much power with mainstream media as the sportsbook lobby! I must have assumed that the action on the Pope was reaching Super Bowl proportions.

So anyway, you can log onto the website right now and bet on who you think will win the 2008 Presidential election. Here are the current odds:

Hillary Clinton - 1-2
Rudolph Giuliani - 4.5-1
Barack Obama - 5.5-1
Mitt Romney - 8-1
Ron Paul - 12-1
Mike Huckabee - 18-1
Al Gore - 20-1
John Edwards - 22-1
Fred Thompson - 25-1
John McCain - 33-1
Bill Richardson - 100-1

Obviously the first thing that jumps out is the amount by which Hillary Clinton is favored. I don't know much about politics, but I do know that if I go to a racetrack and see 11 healthy horses waiting at the starting gate, and one of them is only paying fifty cents on the dollar, somebody thinks they know something.

Is smart money taking Obama at 5.5-1?

Is serious money taking Huckabee at 18-1? (it was 25-1 last week)

Last week, I took Huckabee to win the Republican nomination at 8-1, since then the odds have moved to 4-1.

And Giuliani is the Republican favorite? Are you kidding me? "America's Mayor"? Giuliani's claim to fame is being the mayor of New York on 9/11. Was he was pulling people out of the wreckage?

This guy is a senior adviser on Giuliani's foreign policy team.

And how about Ron Paul getting some serious respect at 12-1? He's getting better odds than John Edwards.

And as for Romney, I don't know anything about the Mormon faith other that the fact that when I went to Vegas for a national training session in 2002, the guys I met from our Salt Lake City office all had three things in common, 1) They were under the age of 25, 2) They were Mormon, and 3) Not one of them had less than two children, (they were also very nice, and didn't drink, so I guess that makes five)

Someone's gotta represent the Grand Old Party next year... why not Huckabee? That guy is an American's American.

this kind of stuff isn't for everyone

I was about to get into the shower yesterday when I realized that my fingernails were getting a bit long. I was already naked at that point, so I had a decision to make. I could...

1) Stand in the bathroom naked and cut my fingernails
2) Put my underwear back on, sit down, and cut my fingernails
3) Sit on the toilet naked and cut my fingernails

I went with option #3. Sitting on the toilet is by no means uncomfortable, and I'm not one of those guys who likes to hang out naked, so I figured it'd be nice to sit around naked for a few minutes. A little dry naked time would probably be therapeutic for me. After sitting on the toilet for a minute or so, I felt something happening, next thing I knew I felt a piece of shit coming down the pipe, and just like that the turd dropped cleanly into the toilet.

What a pleasant surprise that was!

Normally, I only take dumps when I know I have go. So generally speaking, within the first five seconds after my asscheeks have touched the toilet seat, you can bet your last dollar that there will be at least one turd in the water. So imagine my surprise when this piece of shit decided to nonchalantly make its way out of my asshole without warning.

I didn't even realize it, but in my excitement, I had stopped clipping my fingernails to ponder what had just happened. I resumed the nail clipping and next thing I knew, I felt another turd making its way through the anal canal. Another two pieces came out!

This had just gone from lounging on a toilet seat naked, to a surprise little turd, to a full-fledged dump!

This has pretty much changed my way of thinking about life.

Is this how other people shit? Do they just pick a time, decide to sit down for however long it takes and wait for shit to come out? Do any of you shit this way?

This is mind blowing!


**I wasn't even going to post this entry, but what's funnier than all of this, is that I went on Wikipedia to double check whether it is indeed the "anal canal" that leads to the asshole. Under the Wikipedia entry for "Anus", there is actually a PICTURE of a male AND female asshole. Not a diagram, a photograph! The man's asshole is all hairy, you can see his taint (or as many of you may call it, the "conch") and the bottom part of his scrotum. The woman's is kind of nasty, it looks like her pussy lips are actually going right up to - and perhaps into - her asshole.

flight

Are the terrorists winning? (see Hansen’s comment to my last post)

I flew out to San Jose a couple of weekends ago. To give myself enough time to get through the security checkpoints, I left my apartment three hours before takeoff. I guess I could have spent some of that time working. Since I'm paid hourly, that wasted time actually cost me money, but for those who have real jobs, that wasted time also means lost productivity.

No matter how often I stand in the security line at O’Hare, it never ceases to entertain. Watching a grown man standing amid the chaos of a busy airport in his socks, hurrying to put his belt back on in front of hundreds of people, while other shoeless/belt-less travelers wait to pass through the metal detector behind him is about all it takes to keep me entertained.

As I waited in line, I watched a mother with three small kids approach the metal detector. Her two boys appeared to be twins - five years old at most. The third, a daughter, was young enough to be carried by her mother. As the mother struggled to remove her shoes and hold the baby at the same time, her twins eagerly waited to pass through the metal detector. They were waiting because the security guard in charge of their line was helping the guard in the next line determine what item on the middle-aged barefoot business woman to our left was setting off the metal detector. Unable to resolve the problem, he instructed the other guard to call for help, and returned to our line. When he returned, the twins immediately ran through the metal detector together.

“WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!!” shouted the security guard. He extended his arms out to both sides, grabbed the two boys, and made them walk back to their mother. “One at a time guys, One at a time!”

I’m certainly not about to say anything remotely profound here, but, if the terrorists decide to attack us again THEY’RE NOT GOING TO USE THE EXACT SAME METHOD THEY USED LAST TIME!!!

How much money are we putting into airport security?

Maybe these terrorists are smarter than we give them credit for.

Imagine the opportunity cost of the time spent in airport security lines. Or the cost of all the items that have been confiscated in these lines. Or the cost of my evachute.

How do we decide who wins and loses a war? I was talking to this German guy a few months ago – he was born/raised in Germany but moved to the US for his job. I asked him about World War II. How do the Germans teach it? What happened in WWII? The first thing he said was,

“The Soviets lost over 20 million people in that war!”

He’s right, kills don’t lie.

quick idea

here's a quick idea, and I may have mentioned this on here before. With the whole "green" movement going on and the push to conserve energy, how about taxing people who put up Christmas lights?

review

We took my mom to see Tony n' Tina's Wedding this weekend. Some of her co-workers said it was entertaining, and it has been running for 13 years, so we assumed that it would be a good show.

It was terrible. I couldn't believe how bad it was. It boggled my mind that it has been running for 13 years! Has anyone else seen it?

a step

This is telling. King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia is funding his own research university. His $10 billion endowment will be one of the largest in the world.

That's kind of interesting, pretty much a public acknowledgment from the King that it will take more than oil and religion for his family to remain in power.

Most of the strict Islamic law observed throughout Saudi Arabia - separating men and women by partition in classrooms; now allowing women to drive; and prohibiting of research in genetics, stem cells and evolution - will not be enforced on the campus. However, two rules will remain: no drinking and no Israelis.

question

I've been applying for jobs lately, but haven't been getting many responses. Could it have something to do with my e-mail address? Do employers judge applications based on the e-mail address?

Should I change mine?

Right now my e-mail address is, IranMan69@aol.com

Should I get rid of the "Iran" because of the whole Axis of Evil thing?

Great Moments In Presidential Speeches Compilation

wow

this is amazing

another op-ed

I've been saying this for 7 years now.

I don't understand people's desire to eat lunch outside in the Chicago loop. Don't get me wrong, I I enjoy the smell of car, truck, and CTA bus exhaust as much as the next guy, but sometimes I try to avoid it while eating. And as much as I like hungry homeless men asking me for change as they watch me eat an oversized burrito, I feel guilty telling them that I don't have any. And I really don't have any change, I can't remember the last time I paid for lunch with cash.

Maybe the next product to be created should be a credit card reader for the homeless. There have been plenty of times when I was more than willing to give a small amount of change to a homeless man, but I simply didn't have any. Perhaps if they had a credit card reader, I could just swipe my card, authorize the transaction for $.50 and move on.

Ok, so back to my original point,



This is a scene that is all to common in the loop. It is still cold outside, yet people have begun to sit in the courtyard outside this office building to eat lunch. Is that grass growing from the ground? I took that picture in April, and look at how green the grass is! It is so artificial that I'm actually worried about exposing my food to it. And by the time June rolls around, you can't find a seat out there.

If you look directly to the left of that courtyard, you'll see this:


And I don't see any tables or chairs.

The people responsible climate control are giving us the middle finger in their graves. Lets show them some respect.

finally....

I remember walking into my gym for the first time and asking whether they offered month to month memberships. I had only planned on staying in Naperville for a couple of months, so I didn't want to sign a long term contract. That was in August.

of 2006.

I finally signed a lease today. Cindy and I will be moving into our apartment in less than two weeks!

op-ed

I called Cindy over to the computer to read this op-ed. But she said "no." She has had to read a lot at work lately, so she didn't want to read anything on her all too rare evening off.

I enjoyed this op-ed because the author didn't pull any punches (he did the opposite, he really laid it all out there), so I offered to read some of the more memorable parts to her out loud.

That heightened her curiosity a bit, so she walked over and read the headline, "The Ugly Side of the G.O.P."

She immediately asked, "The ugly side? Is there another side?"

I wasn't planning on posting the link, but that comment left me no choice. Plus, there's a great line in there about Clarence Thomas. Seriously, where they find that guy?? George Bush senior will die a happy man for that one. Did someone pay off Thomas' family? Or threaten to kill his family? Did some Texas billionaire put $50 million in an offshore account for Clarence so that he'd be a constitutional originalist on the Court?

their conversation probably went like this:

Texas Billionaire - Clarence, listen to me, I'll put $10 million in a Swiss bank account in your name, and dag gummit all you've gotta do is be an originalist on that Court.

Clarence - Man, I can't do that. I couldn't write some of that stuff if I tried

Texas Billionaire - You won't have to. Every August, I'll call and tell you exactly who to hire as your law clerk. They'll do all of the writing for you.

Clarence - Come on man, I'm black, everyone's gonna know that I'm not really against affirmative action. Everyone's gonna know I'm being paid off. No one's gonna believe that I'm in favor of loosening search and seizure restrictions on police officers. I'm Black!! How am I going to look at my family in the eye after writing an opinion saying that it should be ok for a Police Officer to perform a full cavity search on a black man who looked at him funny? That'll sound real convincing, 'Honey, if we can't trust our local police, who can we trust?'

Texas Billionaire - I'll make it $50 million if you say yes right now

Clarence - Yes.

Texas Billionaire - ...

Clarence - Yes sir?

Texas Billionaire - That's my boy. Now do you want me to put your wife's name on that account?

Clarence - Let's not

-----------
Also, isn't it surprising that people in the U.S. are complaining about Columbia University allowing Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak?

Just because he suppresses free speech in his country, doesn't mean we should do the same in ours

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Connors just wrote me a funny e-mail just now, here it is in it's entirety, "you know what i just realized and what is really funny - the same people that are bitching about obama not being experienced/knowledgable enough about things like foreign policy to be president, elected george bush, twice."

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The funny thing is that I used to consider voting Republican because of their economics. I was completely on the middle of the fence. I considered voting Republican in 2000 until I watched what I thought was a Saturday Night Live spoof of a Republican party debate that turned out to be their ACTUAL debate.

I don't think the Republican party stands for conservative economics anymore. They might define conservative as eliminating progressive taxes, and cutting funding for social programs. But they're certainly not investing our money conservatively. Here's the $1.2 trillion article again. We could have bought a hybrid car for every family in America with that money.

It's a fun little exercise to imagine $1.2 trillion, and think of ways in which it could have been used to benefit society.

And what is that $1.2 trillion investment going to pay us in the long run? A nation full of people who hate the U.S.? Hopefully I can keep taking my shoes off before getting on a plane. Maybe in a few years, after the millions of Iraqi refugees have been trained and indoctrinated by Al Qaeda, we'll just have to strip completely naked before getting on a plane, get fully cavity searched, and remain naked until we reach our destination.

-----------------

For those of you who don’t know Connors, he is a die hard Green Bay Packer fan. He likes the Packers more than anyone I know likes any sports team. More than Darayus likes the Phillies, more than Sticky likes the Knicks, more than Spencer likes the Gators, more than Jake likes the Sox, even more than Hambone likes the Pacers. (note, I didn’t include any Notre Dame football fans, they are brainwashed in an entirely different way, so you can’t really include them in a discussion of rational people.) Connors is a Packer fan to the point that I used to think it was ridiculous to be that much of a fan of any sports team.

(When I was 4, I started cheering for the Redskins because red was my favorite color. I’d get sad whenever they lost. I remained a fan until I became a teenager. But I’m 28 years old now, and I don’t give a shit about the Redskins.)

One night Connors told me what he’d give up for another Packers Super Bowl. It sounded so outrageous to me that I said to him, “Come on man, you’re going too far now. Stop and think about what you’re saying.”

He explained the statement, and today I am a Packer fan. (not to the extent that he is, but a fan nonetheless)

Connors if you remember the conversation, post it here. If not, then you’ll have to wait until you run for office in the UP for me to repeat it. People who feel that way about a place, and its people, should serve in their government. Too bad it’s not so easy to find them.

uh oh

I have just experienced the result of intelligent life on Earth. The pinnacle of all mankind. The culmination of our collective knowledge.

The X-Box 360, online.

I don't even know where to begin.

oops

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

anniversary

It's been over a month since I've posted on this blog. That sucks because I really like writing on this this thing. And I know what I'm going to write right now, and it's nothing new. But I don't care, I just want to post something.

I watched some of General Petraeus' testimony today. My favorite exchange was when Petraeus mentioned how a US presence in Iraq is critical to stopping Al Qaeda. A congressman then immediately asked, "But isn't it true that Al Qaeda didn't even exist in Iraq until 2005?"

Petraeus responded, "I will not comment on when Al Qaeda formed in Iraq, but the fact is they are there now."

I guess he's right. We can't exactly invest half a trillion tax dollars into destroying a country that never attacked us, and then leave after we've stirred the pot enough to create a nation full of people who disagree on everything except for their hatred of the United States.

Half a trillion dollars is a lot of money. I remember reading this article estimating the war would cost $1.2 trillion. That's a lot of money.

I've got nothing to say

I just feel like posting......... but I really have nothing to say

I got a Hi-C fruit punch, and on the label it said, "contains 0% juice." So I don't get it, what does it contain?

and am I going to remember to have a good day because someone tells me to as they're saying good-bye? The girl working at Cosi today said "have a good day" to me after she gave me my lunch, it seems to be the standard goodbye. That one has bothered me ever since I was 16 and worked at a bank. At the bank, all of the tellers would say, "have a good day." or "have a good weekend." I never said it. I'd just say "thank you." I'm not even sure if I'd want them to have a good day. I'm 16 years old, working in a fucking bank. I'm probably having a shitty day, why should I wish them well? "Can I get you anything else today? No? ok, thank you, and be glad that you're not me right now."

For some reason I was thinking about "Pulp Fiction" today, it's kind of funny to think about the role that Quentin Tarantino gave himself in that movie. Did he write that for himself?

(from the baseball board)

I average 3.5 Chipotle burritos a week.

Anyone eat more Chipotle than that? I found this Chipotle by my office that hardly ever has a line. This is a bigger deal that you'd think because the average wait time for lunch at a Chipotle in the loop is probably 20 minutes. I've waited in lines that stretched to the outside of a Chipotle on winter days, so not having to wait so long to get a burrito actually feels better than waiting for a half hour and getting the burrito for free.

I'd tell you where my line-free Chipotle is, but I don't want word of it to spread.

I'm actually considering going to other nearby Chipotles, approaching people in the 30 minute lines, and saying, "listen, if you give me $40, I'll tell you where there is a Chipotle nearby with no line." "But you have to promise not to tell anyone else."

Can I make that my intellectual property? Can the location of that Chipotle become my intellectual property?

So what if other people can find it, I discovered it first, so it is my intellectual property. The first person to discover it should be entitled to the spoils.

If you don't let me make money for finding that Chipotle, then what is going to be my incentive to look for other Chipotles? I wouldn't have walked east that fateful night I wasn't motivated by the potential windfall.

fyi

This may be the most obvious thing in the world, but it's funny to think about how much your job affects your life. It's even funnier because most of my friends dislike their jobs (except for Hansen and Juice; but Juice's job, although technically considered a "job", does not require him to do anything that most people would consider "work")

My ipod has become extremely important to me. I'd say that I value it more than most people. I can't remember a time in my life when I listened to so much music. Maybe college, but even then I was in class for 15 hours a week.

My ipod has become so important to me that if I went to work and realized I had left it at home, I'd buy a new one before going to the office.

Who knows, maybe I wouldn't buy a new one. If I could come to my senses, maybe I'd just buy some headphones and get an internet radio subscription or something. But I'd do something.

A few nights ago, I went to bed without knowing for sure that my ipod was in my bag and ready to go for the next day. After about two minutes of laying in bed, I actually had to open my eyes, get out of bed, turn on the lights, and check my bag just to make sure it was in there,, charged and ready to go.

I couldn't sleep.

I could not fall asleep without being 100% certain that my ipod was in my bag.

To make sure I'm clear on one thing here: I knew that the Ipod was probably in my bag. I'd say I was more than 95% certain it was in my bag.

And even if it wasn't in my bag, worst case it was on my desk. The absolute worst case scenario would have been that the ipod was plugged into my computer, which I was going to use the next morning to check the weather. So it's not like I wouldn't have seen it and remembered to take it.

So basically, when I climbed into bed that night, the probability of forgetting my ipod the next day was probably less than the probability of my train derailing on the way to work, or me forgetting to get dressed in the morning and going to work naked.

But to me, the consequences of forgetting the ipod were worse.

-----------------

I actually started writing that a couple of weeks ago and then fell asleep before I could post it. This program autosaves whatever I write, so I found it today. Since that day I've started surfing the internet a lot more at work. I used limit my internet use to news and e-mail to maintain some level of productivity, but that has since changed. Nowadays I'll look at anything but porn. Yesterday we somehow got on the topic of caning. Remember how that American got caned in Singapore for stealing and vandalizing?

If you've ever wondered what caning does to a man's ass, here you go:

Before

(I like how they're processing him bare-assed)

During

(Look at the stance on that guy! He's got that form down. This isn't some run of the mill cop, taking blind swings at a man's ass. This is a trained professional, taught specifically how to swing that cane in order to inflict the maximum amount of damage on a human ass)

After

(He probably can't sit, or shit for weeks after that)

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It was hot in Chicago earlier this week. No matter how many times I see it, I never get tired of laughing at men walking around the city sweating out their suits in 95 degree heat. What am I missing here?

Why do grown men feel the need to wear a wool jacket when it's 95 degrees out? I know why, but that doesn't make it any less ridiculous. Then, to compensate for the fact that you have to wear a suit, the air conditioning in my building is turned up so high that I have to wear a jacket at my desk. No joke. I sit there at my desk wearing a light jacket every day. If I want to go out and get lunch, I take off my jacket and go.

-------

I'm tired, I worked 65 hours this week (a new record for me as an "attorney") It feels like more than 65 hours because I went to two Cubs games. But it doesn't feel like as much as it should because the guy I share an office with works 80 hours every week.

Does anyone reading this like their job? (besides Hansen or Juice)
What are we supposed to do about it?

READ THE TEXT BEFORE WATCHING THE CLIP

A co-worker had tickets to the same music festival as me this past weekend, so it got us talking about music. I learned that music is something that he is very knowledgeable and very passionate about.

He seemed to have a fairly diverse range of likes, but it was clear that he has more obscure tastes me. Not necessarily different tastes (since we were going to the same show) but for example, conversations about bands he liked often sounded like this;

Me – who else do want to see this weekend?
Him – Ok, so you know Bob Stevens?
Me – No,
Him – oh, ok, well, it’s his son’s band

He seemed to know about every live music venue in Chicago, including the little bar across the street from my old apartment. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he told me about some of the best basements for hearing live music in the city.

He had also heard of every record store that I could think of. Even small DJ record shops that I used to frequent back when I was into that game. He’s heard of it all. And he understands a lot more about music and sound dynamics than I do (which is not saying much.) When he briefly discussed sound recording with the tech guy who came in to repair our computers (based on the tech guy’s reaction) it certainly sounded like he knew what he was talking about.


There are people who take contract attorney work very seriously, and there are those who don’t. He and I both fall into the latter, so I asked him what he did for a living before getting into this profession.

It turns out that his last job was making a documentary film about a four concert series at the Iridium in NYC, performed by the great Anthony Braxton. His film was made into a DVD that was included in the six disc box set of the live performances. He had been a fan of Braxton for a long time, he’s traveled to see him play, and attended some of his lectures.

Braxton rarely performs in the US, and when he does, he almost never plays four consecutive shows with this type of ensemble. So when my co-worker heard about the four shows, he approached Braxton and suggested the idea of documenting the experience. Braxton agreed.

Since my co-understands the intricacies of Braxton’s music, he suggested that he be the one to film it so that he could convey it’s finer points to the viewer. Braxton agreed to that as well.

My co-worker bought a couple of cameras, went to New York, and filmed the four shows. He took the raw footage from the show and some raw footage from one of Braxton’s lectures. The footage was condensed, edited and made into a documentary.

My curiosity about Braxton was heightened, so I asked where I could listen to some of the music. He said that there was a trailer of his documentary on youtube. This is it.

reason to worry

Clarence Thomas!!

George Bush Sr. is going to die with an ear to ear smile on his face for that one....

interview

I had an interview with the public defender's office on Wednesday. 25 minutes into the interview, my hand slid down near my crotch and I realized that my fly was down.

I wasn't sure what to do. I thought about making a joke by drawing attention to it and then pulling it up. "Hahaha, my fly is down, very funny. I'm going to zip it up now." But what if they hadn't noticed?

I thought about trying to pull it up inconspicuously. But there were two interviewers, and I wasn't sitting behind a table, so one of them would probably notice.

If they had already noticed, the joke would be the best course of action.

After a couple of minutes of brainstorming while pretending to actively listen to the interviewer, there was a knock on the door. A third guy came in to join the interview.

I gave up. I left my fly down for the rest of the interview. After the interview was over I walked out of the building with my fly down. I walked to the car with my fly down, drove home with my fly down, and got some lunch with my fly down. It's not like anyone could see my dick. Is there a school of thought that says that men who wear underwear shouldn't be required to zip up their fly?

Maybe the guys who interviewed me thought that I subscribed to that school of thought, and were impressed.

Someone who doesn't wear underwear should zip up their fly (if they want.) But if you've got underwear on, then fuck it, leave it down. What's the big deal if someone sees your underwear?

I used to work out at the Lakeshore Athletic Club when I lived in Chicago. Most of the members were middle aged men, and during lunchtime hours, the men's locker room turned into a naked lounge. I truly believe that some of the guys would just go in there around 11:30, strip naked, and hang out for an hour or two. The weightroom was practically empty, but that locker room was packed with naked men.

For some reason, that generation is much more comfortable being naked than mine. In the bathroom area of that locker room, I'd see men brushing their teeth naked, shaving naked, drying their hair naked, and most of all, just hanging out and socializing naked. And it was not uncommon for them to have a towel over the shoulder, or sitting on the counter next to them.

One time I was in there washing my face after a workout, fully dressed, when my boss came up to me and struck up a conversation. He was completely naked, with a towel in his hand.

I wasn't uncomfortable because he was naked, (and pale and overweight and hairy) that's understandable. (Chicago is an incredibly out of shape city.) I was uncomfortable because I feared that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from taking a quick glance down at his penis.

I didn't want to see it. It's not that I especially didn't want to see it, but I certainly wasn't interested in actually looking at it. At first I was afraid that for some reason I would glance down at that area, and he would think that I was checking him out.

It's like driving past a car accident. I didn't want to see it, but it's not something I see everyday, so I was probably going to look.

But then I realized that he's standing in front of me naked, (and wet), with a towel in his hand because he wants me to look. That's what it's all about!

He wants me to see it. And he probably wanted to see mine. I should have pulled my pants down and let him see it. Then we could compare, see who's longer. We could have had what Brian Hansen told me is referred to as a "Texas Measurin"

(That's how they settle disputes in east Texas. Rather than fight,,, if there's a dispute between two men and no compromise in sight, someone fetches a ruler (or in some cases a tape measure), the two combatants drop their pants, and the one who's longer wins. End of argument.

It took me a while to realize it, but when my boss approached me in the locker room that day, he wanted me to strip naked. I should have stripped, and then maybe we could have walked over and sat down on the couches, or in the jacuzzi, and hang out as men,.. free, naked, the true kings of the jungle.

Why the fuck should we have to cover ourselves up? We're men! Nobody tells us what to do.

That's the mentality he wanted to see from me. Instead, I gave him some quick one word answers, and got the fuck out of there.

When he approached me naked, I should have complimented him on his cock, and then stripped down and shown him mine. Now that's some real male bonding. You don't know a man until you've seen him naked.

law

When I read about the recent Supreme Court decision in Morse v. Frederick, it made think back to something kind of unrelated…

A few weeks ago Handsome Mike and I made a trip to Florida to visit Hansen and Dirk.

For those of you who don’t know these guys, Handsome Mike is a lot like me, Hansen is too (except that he is a few years older, and looks even older than he is), and Dirk, well, you know how scientists believe that man evolved from monkeys? If they met Dirk, they’d explore the possibility that some men may have evolved from Grizzly Bears. (I mean that in a good way)

On our last night in Miami, Dirk took us to arguably the dirtiest bar in the city, and immediately left to hang out with his parents. We weren’t upset that he left us. His parents were in town for the night, so naturally he should have spent some time with them. (Although he did say he’d be right back, and then proceeded to turn off his cell phone and not come back. But that’s beside the point.) Instead of staying inside that nauseating bar, we hung outside and did some people watching, which in Miami was particularly entertaining because we got to see some walks of life that guys like us rarely get to see.

3:30 am rolled around, the crowd began to thin, rain began to fall, but still no word from Dirk, so we decided to take a cab back to Dirk’s apartment.

Sitting in Dirk’s lobby was also quite entertaining. Looking at all of the pastel colors and tropical themed art -- it’s funny to think that of all of the buildings in all of the cities in America, Dirk chose to live in this one. (this is a 300-pound, gun owning, cut-off t-shirt to the bar wearing, two pounds of steak eating and still hungry type of mother fucker)

It wasn’t long before we noticed a couple getting out of a cab and entering the building through the back door. And it didn’t take long for the man to become the star of the show.

He could barely stand up -- let alone walk -- and his girlfriend was trying desperately to get him inside. She opened the back door and tried to walk him in, but he abruptly turned around and threw up in the bushes. She waited outside with him for a minute or two before once again trying to make the 50 foot trek to the elevator.

Once he appeared to be as ready as he was going to be, she put his arm over her shoulder and resumed their ill fated walk. They couldn’t have been more than five steps into the building before he began falling forward. She tried as hard as she could to keep him up, but he was just too heavy for her to control. She lost her grip.

He took a couple of steps forward, and then his feet stopped. The problem was that his upper body was still moving forward. Just when it seemed that a collapse was imminent, he made a last ditch effort to keep it together.

He was leaning dangerously far forward, about to fall over, and then as if summoned by an unknown force, his legs started moving and he began to step forward. He was trying to get his legs back under his body to regain his balance. However, the problem with this method was that his upper body didn’t stop falling forward. So essentially he was running into the building, with his legs churning full speed chasing his upper body to prevent the fall. But to those of us watching, the fall was inevitable. Fortunately for him, he slammed into the garbage, draped his arms around the can, fell to his knees, and resumed his vomiting.

His girlfriend, obviously, was not happy. Not only was the task of getting him up to his apartment still looming, but she probably also had to get him cleaned up and into a bed. For all we knew, they could be on their way back to her place (or their place.) And lest we forget that she was probably going to have deal with what was likely to be an epic hangover for him the next day.

Hansen and I tried not to laugh out loud, but it wasn’t easy. We had to laugh. We weren’t laughing because this guy was drunk and completely helpless, or that his unfortunate and relatively sober girlfriend was going to have to take care of him. I’ve been there before, I’m sure a lot of us have. That is no laughing matter.

And it certainly wasn't funny to imagine if he didn’t have a girlfriend and didn’t live in a city so rife with taxi cabs. In a sparsely populated town, a guy like that might have gotten himself behind the wheel of a car! That’s downright scary. We were definitely not laughing at that.

But we were laughing.

We were laughing because there were three men in the lobby. And we were laughing because the man who couldn’t stand up on his own two feet, who couldn’t control his vomiting, and who was likely going to have an considerable headache and feel sick to his stomach for the next day or two, was also the only one who had been taking legal drugs.

this is it

Is this pretty much what every man wants to be? Seriously, is it?

I could only find this one, but in the opening credits for a different season, they had a clip of him dunking a basketball! (it was somewhere between the clip of him loading the gun shirtless and noticing the ass in his face while he gave the private skorkeling lesson.) (before the clip where he speeds off in the Ferarri)

I didn't watch enough of that show when I was a kid. My TV action hero of choice was MacGyver. What an idiot I was.

I wonder if I could have got myself laid in high school if I had watched Magnum PI instead of MacGyver... (probably not)

posting for the sake of posting

It's been too long since I've posted something. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I'm definitely going to sit down tomorrow and post something. But for now,,,

here’s something that I’ve noticed for a long time and have always found amusing. If you go to the New York Times website and scroll about halfway down the page, you’ll see three tabbed lists on the right side of the page.

The first one lists the 10 most e-mailed articles on the website.

The second one lists the 10 most blogged about articles on the website.

And the third one lists the 10 most popular search terms used on the website.

The lists are fairly current. They change every day, I’m not sure how often they reset the count, but the lists change daily. They usually change during the day as well.

The search terms usually relate to some popular current event or issue, for example some of the top 10 search terms at this moment are: immigration, china, google, college, iraq, india, and energy. But no matter what is going on in the world, one particular search term is always at or near the top of the list.

"Sex."

"Sex" once held the top spot for several months in a row. When the Dow first broke $13,000, "Sex" was the number one search term. After the Virginia Tech shooting, "Sex" was the number one search term. And after the first round of Presidential debates, "Sex" still held onto that top spot.

"Immigration" is at the top right now, with "Sex" hanging back in second place. I wonder how long it'll be until "Sex" snatches up that top spot again. (P.Inc.)

opinion

Black Pepper is the most overrated spice on the rack.

There it is. I said it. I'm sure many of you have been thinking that for a long long time, but I've got the stones to throw it out there. (p.inc.)

Fuck Black Pepper.

-----------

After re-reading that post, I realize that I might be starting to lose it a little.

I got a call from another legal temp agency last week. Legal temp work presents an interesting paradox: on one hand, it pays by the hour and it pays fairly well; on the other hand, it makes me feel like an idiot / drain on society / complete waste of a functioning brain. I decided not to call them back.

Since I had originally sent that agency my resume a few months ago, I felt bad not returning her call, so the next day I waited until after business hours and left her a voicemail. The next day she left me a message asking me to come in for an interview. (I've done a few of these "interviews" before. The agency basically wants to meet in person for 5 minutes just to make sure that there isn't anything extremely wrong you. (because applicants are selected for these jobs by resume alone, we never meet the actual client before the work begins))

Her message continued: after asking me to call her back, she said that her next available appointment was on July 26. (in case anyone hasn't been keeping up with the date lately, last week was June 5th)

I called her back today, and she confirmed that she had not misspoke in her message. Her next available appointment is at 10:30 am on Thursday July 26th. Again, let me emphasize that these appointments take minutes, and there are probably at least 20 other agencies like this one in Chicago. I told her to put me down for 1:30 pm on the 26th. Although, I'm afraid that if I'm still doing this type of work in two months, there might actually be something extremely wrong with me.

I've been thinking about becoming a mango farmer. I love mangos.

----------------------------

If you're looking to get into Hollywood, this is a great time to be middle eastern or british. There's gotta be a lot of demand for extras who can play terrorists in movies and TV shows these days. Even those mini documentary shows on history channel could use some Arab looking extras. (this could be my chance to make a few bucks in the acting game)

Or if I was British, I could just pretend to be an asshole and probably land a gig as the next "jerk" judge on some type of talent competition TV show. I saw a little bit of "America's Got Talent" today, and I couldn't believe it. They march all of these young kids out there (I'm talking 8-12 year old kids) and the British judge is a complete asshole to them. Much worse than Simon on American Idol.

For example, this week, a little girl went up and sang the same song as last week's winner. (In my opinion, she had a great voice, but was not a great performer) After the performance was over, the British judge just laid into her, and this girl was probably 8 or 9 years old. He said something like, "Last week's winner had personality, she was cute, she was interesting, and she could sing... you are the opposite of all of those things."

We're talking about a 9 year old girl here! I was embarassed for the network.

-------------------

I'm taking an online CLE course right now. For those of you not familiar with this, it's a way for the state bar association to steal money from attorneys every year. $100 is the extreme discount price for first year attorneys to get a 15 hour lesson in common sense.

"So you're saying that I can't represent the husband AND wife in a divorce? That's a conflict of interest? Gee, I would have never guessed..."

I'm going turn up the volume on the training course right now, and I'm going to tell you exactly what the instructor is talking about at this very moment:

(I'm going to paraphrase what he says in this paragraph) ""If you want pull certain dockets, use Pacer, and if we have any problems with the Pacer system online, the instructor encourages us to use their help desk. Rest assured that they've worked hard to make sure that their helpdesk is actually helpful. He says that many government agency help desks are not helpful, but Pacer has really put in time to make sure that their help desk is in fact helpful. The help desk phone number is ___ ___ _____, then he gave us the first and last names of the three people responsible for setting up the help desk. If you set up an account with Pacer, don't share your username and password with people you don't trust, because it is possible that they could log on using your account and rack up $.08 per page charges.""

I swear, I turned up the volume and paraphrased what the guy said. No bullshit. I didn't listen for 20 minutes and type the dumbest thing, I turned the volume up and started typing.

Oh man, the next speaker is a magistrate. (a magistrate is kind of like a poor man's judge) and he immediately declares that a magistrate performs many of the same functions as a real district court judge. He then lists the functions shared by the two in detail.

Every 12 minutes they give me a two minute window to verify that I'm still in front of my computer and paying attention to the course.

ok, that's enough pointless unentertaining rambling for one night, good night.

remember back when rap was good?

You can't even buy this song on ITunes, what a travesty.

gas

Not a day goes by without a news story on the subject of rising gas prices. A ~200% increase over the last 10 years certainly gives people plenty of reason to complain.

So this made me wonder: Am I the only person in America who thinks we’re getting a bargain on gas? Seriously, we should be thankful for how little we pay for a gallon of gasoline.

Last week I went to a BP and bought gas for $3.59 per gallon. Obviously this is more expensive than ten years ago when I could get a gallon for $.99, but it could be worse.

After my tank was full I went inside, paid $53 for my 15 gallons of gas, and then paid $1.70 for one a liter bottle of Dasani water.

There are 3.785 liters in one gallon. Which means I was paying ~$6.43 per gallon,,, of water!

Are we running out of water? Why is it that I never turn on CNN and catch a special report on how bottled water companies are price gouging? Why don’t I ever open the op-ed page of the Tribune and read a debate on why we should use less water so we’re not as dependent on the companies that provide it?

It's not like water just falls out of the sky or anything!!

-------------------------------------

Also, on the subject of conservation: how much energy would we save if the entire country decided not to put up Christmas lights this year?

I'm on board for that

what if?

I have to take a drug test tomorrow, my first ever.

I've heard that I'll be given a cup to take to the bathroom, and I simply have to return the cup full of pee to the nurse shortly thereafter.

Wouldn't it be funny if instead of returning the cup full of pee, I returned it full of cum?

"here you go"

??

Is there a school of thought that says black people should get white tattoos?

for a quick laugh

I'm still not sure if this is real, but it's worth a look if you're in the market for a fecal matter removal technician (their term, not mine)

cursed?

My allergies were acting up a little this week, so as I was sitting at my desk on Thursday, I let out a nice loud sneeze. Right away came the chorus of, “Bless You” “Bless You” “God Bless You.”

I thanked everyone for their blessings.

A minute later I sneezed again and everyone said "God Bless You" again. I knew I was going to sneeze a few more times that afternoon, so I just wanted to say to everyone, “Those of you who said ‘God Bless You’, thank for saying it. Please do not feel obligated to say it every time I sneeze. Consider your gesture acknowledged and appreciated.”

But then I realized that the gesture was not meant for me.

I have no idea why it is commonplace to ask God to bless those who sneeze. I searched the net and found a bunch of archaic reasons, but nothing that explains why people are still saying it in 2007.

Saying “God Bless You” after I sneeze actually embarrasses me. It brings even more sympathetic attention to me than my loud sneeze already did, and on top of that, it makes me wonder what about sneezing is so bad that others feel the need to ask God to take time out of his day to bless me? Am I cursed?

I don't know about you, but I enjoy a nice powerful sneeze. It’s refreshing.

friday night,

It’s Friday night. Cindy and I were thinking about going out for a few drinks after dinner, but since the terror alert level has been raised to yellow, we've decided to stay in and rent a movie instead. Why take a chance?

I don’t mean to insult anyone, but in case you don't know the precise meaning of a "yellow" threat level: it means that we currently face a “significant risk of terrorist attacks.”

Here is a copy of the entire scale (just in case)

In addition, it is with great pride and patriotism that I announce a new feature on my blog! If you scroll down to the bottom of the page, you will see that I have added a real time terror alert tracker to the website. Now, instead of making that extra internet surfing stop on www.dhs.gov every morning to check the day's terror alert level, you can simply check it when you read my blog in the morning. But please, check it before you read the post.

I miss writing on this thing

I haven't written anything on here for a while, and that's gonna stop. Even if the only thing I write is simply an acknowledgment that I haven't written anything for a while. (and a promise that I will write more, soon)

Today I read an article about Paul Wolfowitz, and it reminded me of these guys forming the naked pyramid in the picture below. But the craziest part to me...


is that they're Iraqis. This happened in Iraq. These guys probably didn't know anyone, who knew anyone in Al Qaeda. They're just Iraqi men.

I'm not a torture guy, and I don't really want to get started on that topic. But it's one thing to look at that picture and think, "well, at least those are the men behind the 9/11 attacks."

It's an entirely different thing to look at those pictures and think, "those guys have probably attacked as many Americans as my unborn child."

(posts will be more light-hearted from this point on)

simple etiquette

There’s a simple rule of etiquette that people in my building don’t always follow, here it is:

Do not get on an elevator if you did not see it’s doors open.

Why do so many people have such a hard time following that?

If you are waiting for an elevator, it arrives, and you watch the doors open, you may ride that elevator.

If you are walking towards the elevators and arrive just in time to see the elevator doors open, you may ride that elevator.

However, if you reach the elevators and notice that the doors to one of them is already wide open, then you should allow the doors to close, press the call button, and wait for the next elevator to arrive.

It’s really that simple.

Guns

Cindy and I were talking about gun control on Friday, and neither of us could decide where we stood on the issue.

(She sent me this article, to show me why she thinks the 2^nd Amendment lobby has such a bad name.) According to Ted Nugent, this week’s tragedy in Virginia could have been averted had the students in the classrooms been armed and able to defend themselves. (insert joke here)

Although I sometimes agree with the argument that it’s our God given right to be free and own guns, I don’t think that's an argument that everyone can use. It’s my God given right to distill alcohol and sell it on Sundays, but the State of Indiana doesn't agree with me.

I just don’t want to hear people say that our government should step up the war on drugs, ban abortion, allow domestic wire tapping, give police more discretion in searches and seizures, ban gay marriage, and then say that they’ve got the God given right to own a gun.

(I guess I think that way because I’m not a “good versus evil” guy.)

Anyway, there’s a part of me that thinks if people were walking around with guns all day, there'd probably be an increase in gun related crime. Think of all the bar fights that happen in this country every night. Imagine how many more people would get shot if all of those brawlers happened to be carrying guns.

But I don’t necessarily buy the argument that we should ban guns. Would tighter gun control laws have kept the Virginia shooter from being able to get one? If a man is prepared to kill 32 innocent people, do you think he'd reconsider committing the crime because he's afraid to break gun possession laws? I seem to think that if someone has decided to commit a pre-meditated murder, the fact that they’d have to purchase a gun on a street corner instead of a Walmart probably wouldn’t change their minds about the crime.

What about the fact that some people just like to hunt, or shoot skeet, or target practice. And some people feel safer with a gun in the house.

I guess I could do some research and read a bunch of articles and opinions about gun control, but I worked six days this week, and the last thing I want to do is spend my Sunday morning reading scholarly articles. So I’d like to try something knew. I’d like to hear like to hear your thoughts on gun control since I am having a difficult time organizing my own. How do you guys feel about the issue?

change

I changed jobs last week.

A new office building opened up in Chicago a couple of weeks ago, not too far from where I used to work. It's a beautiful building with a big marble lobby, plants everywhere, and all of the latest technology. So naturally, it charges more rent per square foot than any other building in the city.

I was walking by it on my way to lunch a couple of days ago and noticed that the building management company had posted a "help wanted" sign outside. I went in and asked the man at the front desk what position they were looking to fill. He told me that they were looking for people to work in "security, maintenance, cleaning, and hospitality."

To make a long story short; I'm sure you're all familiar with revolving doors. The revolving doors in this building are divided into fifths. My job is to stand inside one of those fifths, and push the door while people walk in and out of the building so that they don't have to push the door themselves. (some people don't like to push, some people don't like to touch the door at all) I also offer to carry their bags through the door.

It's a good gig. I used to get dizzy after working for a few hours. But now I get dizzy anytime I'm not working.

shocking

This article on was the front page of CNN.com today, it's about how Don Imus referred to Rutgers women's basketball players as "nappy headed ho's", and how he's being taken off the air for it. Shocking stuff.

The most shocking part was learning that people still listen to Don Imus.

screens

I just want to quickly say that I’m a fan of the little TV screens in elevators nowadays. It’s better than nothing.

Yesterday morning the screen showed a survey question, “If you won the lottery today, what would you do?”

The first answer came up:

“I’d quit my job, move to Florida and teach scuba lessons, it’s always been my dream.” (Dan, Chicago)

Why not just quit your job and do it now?

I'm not saying that my answer wouldn't resemble Dan's, but I think I'm going to change my philosophy. Maybe now when I start thinking about what I want to do, I will assume that I've just won the lottery.

(also, if anyone's got any music that they really like, and would like to tell me about, please let me know, I've got a lot of time to listen to music these days)

this is great

There are probably hundreds of billboards in the Chicagoland area that advertise the services of personal injury attorneys. But when it comes to billboards, one firm stands head and shoulders above the rest.

The billboard simply lists the firm's name (Briskman & Briskman), a slogan ("we're on your side" or something like that), their contact information, and this picture from their website. (the big one)

this is pretty cool

(skip through the first 30 seconds of still frames to get to the video)

shins

Cindy and I saw the Shins in back in January when Chicago was in the midst of some extremely cold weather -- it was to the point where when the temperature got into the high single digits, we considered it a break from the cold. (this was around the same time that Dirk was posting about taking naps on the beach in Miami)

Waiting in a long like when the air temperature is 20 degrees sucks. But waiting in a long line when the air temperature is -2, is a truly unique experience. When it’s 20 degrees, people are cold and uncomfortable, but they can go about their business. They can talk, laugh, etc. But when its -2, the only thing people can do is actively be cold. People can put themselves into different positions, cover up as much exposed skin as possible, shiver, curse about how cold it is, try to see how quickly the line is moving and talk about why it should be moving faster, and gawk at the people who decided to go without a jacket (which on this night were almost none.) Pretty much everyone in line that night was frantic.

In the midst of this bedlam, I came up with a technique to lessen the suffering: first accept that you are freezing, then, imagine the pain you’d feel if for some reason you were about to be thrown into the lake and then yanked out and put back in like. Cindy didn’t seem to buy into it, but as I sat there and thought about how bad it would feel to be thrown into the lake at that moment, it made me appreciate that I was dry. And for a very short period of time, I forgot about how cold I actually was. Give it a try sometime. It won’t take away the pain, but it’ll ease it. (for a couple of seconds)

When we got to the door we saw two white women in their 50’s walk in and try to bypass the line. I heard them say, “Our sons are in the Shins, we’re Shins moms.” The doorman wasn’t having any of it. How is he supposed to know that they weren’t just two 55 year old Shins fans trying to get in without a ticket? I respected him for the skepticism. (Although, I kind of thought these women were telling the truth.)

After seeing the fake Shins moms, we met the man who should have been the highest paid Congress theater employee of the night: the outside doorman. The outside doorman's job was to make sure the line remained single file, and tell people to have their tickets and ID’s ready when they got inside. But the hardest part of his job was to be outside the entire time he did it. This guy was probably 5’7, 250 lbs, and bundled up so heavily that he looked like a ball. We could have tipped him over on his side and rolled him down the street.

A couple of minutes later -- while getting both ass cheeks pinched by the pat-down guy -- I wondered if the theater payed he outside doorman extra by hiring a couple of gay pat-down guys and paying them less. Why not?

Actually -- for the theater to save money -- why not do that every night?

If I was a pat-down guy, and was given the choice, I’d certainly chose to pat down women over men. A lot of guys would probably do the job for a free ticket and a six pack. (or for free I guess)

We all know that men aren’t allowed to pat down women. But why not let gay men pat-down men? I can’t tell if the guy who rubs his hand over my pass while searching for weapons is straight or gay, so why not let a gay guy have his fun? Let the cost savings trickle down to my ticket price.

No harm, no foul.

The Congress theater has open seating, which has its advantages and disadvantages. One of the biggest disadvantages became evident while walking back to the car when Cindy said to me, “My calf muscles are sore.” (from standing on her toes, and jumping up to see.) This made me think that it would be pretty cool to assign viewing spots on the theater floor based on height. The theater could not only do this for the convenience of it for short people, but also for how cool it would be for the band to look out at and see the entire crowd standing in height order.

Even more serious than that however, is that I was standing by a group of people who felt it necessary to dance during the show. It’s not that I am bothered by the dancing of people who want to dance. (I actually like to see that, in some ways that's what the music is meant for.) What bothers me is that a lot of guys out there don’t want to dance, but feel compelled to dance because their friends are. (not to say that’s never been me) (not to say that I remember it ever being me, but it's very possible) There’s nothing more awkward than looking away from the stage for a second and accidentally seeing one of these guys dancing. (And early in the show, there were a lot of them)

It’s difficult to explain what they are doing. They’re kind of bobbing up and down, trying to stay on beat, relaxing all of the muscles in their neck so that their heads roll around a little, but their arms are still held fairly tightly against their bodies (or in their pockets.) It seemed like 75% of guys dancing at the Shins concert were doing this kind of dance.

It took a bit of restraint on my part not to go up to one particular guy in front of me, put one hand on his shoulder and the other on his chest, squeeze lightly, and say to him, “It’s ok, it’s ok, you don’t have to.” Smile, shake my head a little bit, nod a little bit, look into his eyes and say, “It’s ok, you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Just relax and enjoy the music, my brother.”

The Shins did something I’ve never seen before. After they finished their set and left the stage, the fans started cheering for an encore. After a couple of minutes, the lead singer walked back out onto the stage and the crowd erupted. Then he turned on the microphone and said, “Hey guys, seriously, we’re done. Sorry. If you wanna hear more, we’ve got three albums. Thanks for coming out.”

Then he walked off the stage. The lights came on, and the confused crowd went home.

Just kidding. But in all seriousness,, The “rock concert encore” is an archaic concept. Rod Stewart’s encore was Maggie Mae. I went to a Duran Duran show six years ago, and after being called out for an encore, they decided to perform Rio and The Reflex. I went to a Prince show and his encore was Purple Rain. PURPLE FUCKING RAIN!! As if we convinced him to come out and play Purple Rain because he hadn’t planned on it.

Message to all musicians today: Stop patronizing your fans!

Don’t come out for an encore and do a flawless rendition of your biggest hit.

I’m not saying that the Shins did that, actually their encore performance of Pressed in a Book was one of the best parts of their show. I would just like to see an actual impromptu encore. A song where the band comes out and has no idea what they’re about to play. Maybe they ask the fans what they’d like to hear.

I’d like to see fans band together and get a band to perform a true encore.

After the show, Cindy wanted to get a Shins t-shirt, so I went to get it for her. The Shins charge $20 for t-shirts. When I saw Prince a few years ago, his t-shirts were $50. Fifty U.S. dollars for a t-shirt. I asked an older man and woman working the Morrissey t-shirt stand why some artists charge so much for their t-shirts. Their response: “Because they can.”

They told me they once worked a Streisand show where t-shirts were $60.

It really makes you appreciate the level of dedication a fan has to Price when you see him walking around sporting Musicology Tour t-shirt.

I approached the souvenir stand and noticed that the line was completely unorganized -- the exact opposite of the line the outside doorman had managed earlier. This was an unorganized mob of people crowded behind three long tables. I waited patiently behind a guy in the front, and as soon as he paid for his shirt and left, I took his spot in front of the table. The girl who took his money immediately saw me, and at that point I could have placed my order and got a shirt. However, I felt bad because the girls on both sides of me had been waiting longer than me, so I deferred, and let them buy their t-shirts. I waited patiently at the table until everyone who had been waiting before me bought their t-shirts, and an entirely new group of buyers surrounded me. Then I held out my $20 bill, and expected to be rewarded for my patience. However, the new customers all squeezed their way into the line, stole the cashier’s attention, took their shirts and left, without even giving me an afterthought.

Finally, after two full generations of customers had passed me up, I said to the person trying to push me out of my spot, “Maybe you shouldn't bother going after this spot because I’ve been here the longest and I can’t seem to get the cashier’s attention.”

The female cashier overheard that remark and walked over to me and said, in disgust, “You’re not the only person trying to get a shirt, other people have been waiting here longer than you. Why don’t you just wait your turn!”

Everyone was looking at me like I was the asshole.

It was funny because it was loud, and there were a bunch of people around, so I wasn’t in a position where I could reason with her. All I could do was laugh and say "I'm sorry."

A few minutes later, she came around and asked me what t-shirt I wanted. I pointed it out and told her my size. When she handed to me, I didn’t check the size. But as I was walking away, I decided to check just to make sure that she wasn’t still holding a grudge against me and purposefully gave me the wrong one. The wrong size could mean another 15 minutes in the crowd trying to exchange my shirt. Lucky for her, she gave me the right size, because if she hadn't,,, I would have gone back there and patiently waited for her attention and then politely explain to her that she had given me the wrong size.

this has nothing to do with politics

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army

If I went to the local Army recruiting office and signed up today… How long would it be until I am standing on Iraqi soil?

Would my trip to the recruiting office be like this?

Me – Hi I’d like to sign up for the Army.

Recruiter - Ok, what size shoe do you wear?

Me – 9

Recruiter – Ok, just go over to that Humvee in front of the building, and tell Sergeant Michaels that you’re ready to go. He’ll show you how to fire an M-16 before he drives you to the plane. Lets see, its 5:30 now, the base is about 45 minutes away, so with M-16 training, you might hiss the 6:30 flight,, I’ll schedule you for the 7:00 flight to Baghdad just to be safe.

Me - (turn around and walk to the humvee)

Recruiter – Hey, and remember, its “don’t ask, don’t tell” out there