Rocky Balboa

I was drinking with a couple of friends the other night when all of the sudden one of them got very serious and turned to me and said, “Hey. You know what we’ve gotta do Wednesday night? Watch Rocky Balboa.”

In my mind I'd been trying to avoid the subject. But deep down, I knew he was right.

(Warning: This post may give away some of Rocky Balboa. But seriously, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if there’s really anything I can “give away” about this movie)

I’ve never cried to Rocky or anything, but I’ve watched all five (and enjoyed I - VI.) One time I made my mixed doubles tennis partner come to my dorm-room before a match and listen to "Eye of the Tiger" and “There’s No Easy Way Out”, so needless to say, Sly has earned my $8.50.

My expectations, obviously, were low. Not because Sly is almost as old as my dad, but because Sly looks almost as old as my dad. (Sean Connery was ~70 in Entrapment, he was so old that I wouldn’t have been surprised if the ending of the movie was simply Connery’s character dying of old age. But he -- and I hesitate to say this, but he -- pretty much pulled it off. Although he wasn't fist fighting with 25 year olds)

As soon as I stepped into the theater it hit me: not only was this a big crowd, not only was this a big opening night crowd, but this was a big opening night ROCKY crowd! Without a doubt, it was going to be a once in a lifetime scene. People were genuinely excited. People started cheering and clapping when the movie started, and it took some restraint on my part to not stand up and shout, “I’ve been waiting 16 fucking years for this!” I could tell that there were plenty of guys there who wanted to shout something like that themselves, and I regret not doing it because it would have given them the green light to make some more obnoxious noise of their own. (I even suggested it to my friend (Moon), who was busy text messaging during the previews, which was clearly annoying the guy sitting next to us by himself) (I could just picture the conversation that guy had with his wife before leaving for the movie, “Honey, I’m going to go watch Rocky, and wait, before you even say anything… not only do I not care if you don’t want to come, but I’d almost prefer that you didn’t come.”) There was a lot of cheering during the movie, the loudest of which came -- of course -- when “Gonna Fly Now” kicked in as Rocky’s training montage began.

The fight scene had its moments too. Not so much for Stallone’s believability, but more for how much Antonio Tarver (his opponent) made viewers believe he was really surprised by Rocky’s toughness (which almost sold Rocky’s toughness.) However, the fight scene may have been the most edited scene in the history of film. You just can’t show those two standing next to eachother for more than a second or two, it looks too ridiculous.

And I’m not too big of a man to admit that I felt something at the end. I wasn’t crying or anything, but I felt something.

I really wanted the movie to work. I really did. I was constantly trying to make myself believe that heavyweight champ (Mason Dixon, played by Tarver) would agree to fight Rocky. But the writers made this very difficult for a rational person to believe. They opened the film with a scene establishing that although Dixon was the undefeated/undisputed heavyweight champ, he was very unpopular with boxing fans because he hadn’t fought any legitimate opponents. (They didn’t establish this subtly. In the first scene, fans were throwing things at Dixon, and announcers repeated over and over that the fans hated him because hadn’t fought anyone tough) 

So naturally, to gain credibility, he agrees to fight a 60 year old Rocky Balboa.

Fighting Balboa will somehow prove to the fans and critics that he’s not dodging tough opponents?

Dixon’s handlers talk him into taking the fight by saying how much money it’ll make him. That part could have also been believable if not for an earlier scene showing a party Dixon’s lavish mansion with his fleet of luxury cars in the driveway. And while the party was a party going on inside, Dixon -- apparently uninterested in all of the nice things around him -- was shooting hoops outside by himself. On top of that, they had a heartwarming scene where Dixon went back to his original trainer -- in the old neighborhood -- and told him how he wanted to get back to his roots and prove his critics wrong. The trainer even said to him, “the most important type of respect, is self respect.” A few scenes later Dixon was at a press conference talking about fighting a guy who could have dated his grandmother. A guy who’s last professional fight was in the USSR. A guy who might test positive for steroids because he needs them to breathe. 

I really wanted to believe in the plot. I really did! But they made it very difficult. The writing was surprisingly bad.

Another problem I had with this movie was that Dixon didn't come off as a villain. Rocky IV was so great because we hated Ivan Drago. But Dixon didn’t do anything to draw our hatred like Drago. In fact, his character was pretty redeeming.

Then, about halfway through the movie, it hit me: the villain shouldn’t have been Mason Dixon, it should have been Mike Tyson! The real Mike Tyson. Not only would Tyson have been a great villain, but it would have been a lot more believable for Rocky to fight an aging Mike Tyson than the current heavyweight champ.

For about 20 minutes, I sat there thinking I was a genius. But then right before the final fight scene, they actually showed Tyson sitting in the stands, as if to say, “look, for those of you who think we should have used Tyson as the villain; listen, we thought about that too, but trust us, its not going to work. There are forces at play here that you don’t understand.” I understood the message.

There were a couple of long passionate monologues by Rocky that just didn’t seem to fit in with the rough and tough Rocky character. During the second one I actually thought that maybe Sly was using it to show people in Hollywood that he can still act. It was like he was saying, “Listen, I could have been the dad in Meet the Parents, or the president in Independence Day. Just because I’m too old to box, doesn’t mean I’m to old to act.”

I liked the choice of casting an obscure leading lady. Watching Rocky trying to charm Renee Ruso or Susan Sarandon wouldn’t have felt right. But then again, watching Rocky trying to charm anyone is painfully awkward enough. (I like that about Rocky)

In conclusion:

- If you’ve seen the first 5 Rocky movies - you should go watch Rocky Balboa

- If you’ve only seen the first 4 Rocky movies - you should say “fuck it” and go watch Rocky Balboa

- If you’ve never seen any of the Rocky movies, watch I – IV, skip V, and then watch Balboa

Because even with all of the complaining I’ve done here, it's still pretty good. It's still Rocky.