Linebacker

If I was a starting NFL linebacker, I would do two things:

First, during pre-game introductions, I'd want to be brought out on a leash.

Second, when I'm on the sidelines during the game, I’d want the coaching staff to keep me in a cage.

Rocky Balboa

I was drinking with a couple of friends the other night when all of the sudden one of them got very serious and turned to me and said, “Hey. You know what we’ve gotta do Wednesday night? Watch Rocky Balboa.”

In my mind I'd been trying to avoid the subject. But deep down, I knew he was right.

(Warning: This post may give away some of Rocky Balboa. But seriously, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if there’s really anything I can “give away” about this movie)

I’ve never cried to Rocky or anything, but I’ve watched all five (and enjoyed I - VI.) One time I made my mixed doubles tennis partner come to my dorm-room before a match and listen to "Eye of the Tiger" and “There’s No Easy Way Out”, so needless to say, Sly has earned my $8.50.

My expectations, obviously, were low. Not because Sly is almost as old as my dad, but because Sly looks almost as old as my dad. (Sean Connery was ~70 in Entrapment, he was so old that I wouldn’t have been surprised if the ending of the movie was simply Connery’s character dying of old age. But he -- and I hesitate to say this, but he -- pretty much pulled it off. Although he wasn't fist fighting with 25 year olds)

As soon as I stepped into the theater it hit me: not only was this a big crowd, not only was this a big opening night crowd, but this was a big opening night ROCKY crowd! Without a doubt, it was going to be a once in a lifetime scene. People were genuinely excited. People started cheering and clapping when the movie started, and it took some restraint on my part to not stand up and shout, “I’ve been waiting 16 fucking years for this!” I could tell that there were plenty of guys there who wanted to shout something like that themselves, and I regret not doing it because it would have given them the green light to make some more obnoxious noise of their own. (I even suggested it to my friend (Moon), who was busy text messaging during the previews, which was clearly annoying the guy sitting next to us by himself) (I could just picture the conversation that guy had with his wife before leaving for the movie, “Honey, I’m going to go watch Rocky, and wait, before you even say anything… not only do I not care if you don’t want to come, but I’d almost prefer that you didn’t come.”) There was a lot of cheering during the movie, the loudest of which came -- of course -- when “Gonna Fly Now” kicked in as Rocky’s training montage began.

The fight scene had its moments too. Not so much for Stallone’s believability, but more for how much Antonio Tarver (his opponent) made viewers believe he was really surprised by Rocky’s toughness (which almost sold Rocky’s toughness.) However, the fight scene may have been the most edited scene in the history of film. You just can’t show those two standing next to eachother for more than a second or two, it looks too ridiculous.

And I’m not too big of a man to admit that I felt something at the end. I wasn’t crying or anything, but I felt something.

I really wanted the movie to work. I really did. I was constantly trying to make myself believe that heavyweight champ (Mason Dixon, played by Tarver) would agree to fight Rocky. But the writers made this very difficult for a rational person to believe. They opened the film with a scene establishing that although Dixon was the undefeated/undisputed heavyweight champ, he was very unpopular with boxing fans because he hadn’t fought any legitimate opponents. (They didn’t establish this subtly. In the first scene, fans were throwing things at Dixon, and announcers repeated over and over that the fans hated him because hadn’t fought anyone tough) 

So naturally, to gain credibility, he agrees to fight a 60 year old Rocky Balboa.

Fighting Balboa will somehow prove to the fans and critics that he’s not dodging tough opponents?

Dixon’s handlers talk him into taking the fight by saying how much money it’ll make him. That part could have also been believable if not for an earlier scene showing a party Dixon’s lavish mansion with his fleet of luxury cars in the driveway. And while the party was a party going on inside, Dixon -- apparently uninterested in all of the nice things around him -- was shooting hoops outside by himself. On top of that, they had a heartwarming scene where Dixon went back to his original trainer -- in the old neighborhood -- and told him how he wanted to get back to his roots and prove his critics wrong. The trainer even said to him, “the most important type of respect, is self respect.” A few scenes later Dixon was at a press conference talking about fighting a guy who could have dated his grandmother. A guy who’s last professional fight was in the USSR. A guy who might test positive for steroids because he needs them to breathe. 

I really wanted to believe in the plot. I really did! But they made it very difficult. The writing was surprisingly bad.

Another problem I had with this movie was that Dixon didn't come off as a villain. Rocky IV was so great because we hated Ivan Drago. But Dixon didn’t do anything to draw our hatred like Drago. In fact, his character was pretty redeeming.

Then, about halfway through the movie, it hit me: the villain shouldn’t have been Mason Dixon, it should have been Mike Tyson! The real Mike Tyson. Not only would Tyson have been a great villain, but it would have been a lot more believable for Rocky to fight an aging Mike Tyson than the current heavyweight champ.

For about 20 minutes, I sat there thinking I was a genius. But then right before the final fight scene, they actually showed Tyson sitting in the stands, as if to say, “look, for those of you who think we should have used Tyson as the villain; listen, we thought about that too, but trust us, its not going to work. There are forces at play here that you don’t understand.” I understood the message.

There were a couple of long passionate monologues by Rocky that just didn’t seem to fit in with the rough and tough Rocky character. During the second one I actually thought that maybe Sly was using it to show people in Hollywood that he can still act. It was like he was saying, “Listen, I could have been the dad in Meet the Parents, or the president in Independence Day. Just because I’m too old to box, doesn’t mean I’m to old to act.”

I liked the choice of casting an obscure leading lady. Watching Rocky trying to charm Renee Ruso or Susan Sarandon wouldn’t have felt right. But then again, watching Rocky trying to charm anyone is painfully awkward enough. (I like that about Rocky)

In conclusion:

- If you’ve seen the first 5 Rocky movies - you should go watch Rocky Balboa

- If you’ve only seen the first 4 Rocky movies - you should say “fuck it” and go watch Rocky Balboa

- If you’ve never seen any of the Rocky movies, watch I – IV, skip V, and then watch Balboa

Because even with all of the complaining I’ve done here, it's still pretty good. It's still Rocky.

Gym

I was doing some bicep curls today at the gym when this guy came over and told me that my form needed improvement. So I said to him:

Me – Man, I’m the strongest guy in this gym. Show me one asshole in here who's stronger than me.

Him – You’re crazy, I bet you that guy over there is stronger than you. (he points out a guy who’s twice my size, and has so much ink on his arms that you’d think he was serving his 40^th year of a life sentence)

Me – (to the big tattooed man, interrupting him in the middle of a set) Hey man come here for a second!

Big Guy – What the fuck do you want?

Me – I just wanted to let you know that this guy right here thinks you’re an asshole.

A True Test

A true test:

When you can go into a man’s living room for the first time, and turn on his TV without any help.

I’m not talking about a college student’s living room, or a woman’s living room. I’m talking about a man’s living room. An adult male. A man who works for a living.

And I’m not talking about just getting the screen to turn on. I’m talking about getting something to actually play on the screen, getting the sound on, and maybe even getting a video game on.

My dad has nine remote controls! NINE!! And I’ve used them all in the past week. You need them all.

You think I’m kidding?

There are some extras in this picture that are no longer used. (I took the picture a long time ago) But hopefully you get the idea.

Guitar Tab

Last night I was playing guitar with a couple of friends. Our play-list included some Nirvana and Tenacious D. (we played our one original song too) (which by the way is on a CD that can be bought in a store, but probably impossible to find) (I sing lead on that song too) One of my favorite Tenacious D songs is called “Double Team”, but last night I couldn’t figure out how to play it. So I was sitting there playing a few notes, trying find the first one. JP noticed me searching for it, so he said to me, “Its an E minor.”

I strummed an E minor. He was right. Then he said, “next it goes to a C.”

I strummed an E minor, then a C. He was right again. From that point I remembered how the song went, and we played the rest. (just to emphasize, it’s a great song)

Did JP break the law last night?

Websites, that essentially do what JP did for me last night are now being threatened with legal action. The Music Publishers’ Association is accusing guitar tab websites of copyright infringement. The biggest US guitar tab websites have already shut down. (there are still plenty out there)

Tab (short for tablature), is a way for people who can’t read sheet music (like me) to see how a song is played by diagramming the finger positioning on the guitar. Guitar tab websites do two things: 1) allow users to post their interpretation of how a song is played in the form of “guitar tab”, and 2) allow other users to view these tabs. According to Music Publishers, this is the same as stealing copyrighted sheet music.

According to me, the Music Publishers are idiots. Is the bad PR they’re going to get for this actually worth the money they hope to make selling sheet music? Who buys the sheet music for rock songs anyway?

It's one thing if webmasters were making profits from these sites, but they’re just running the sites to be an open forum. They’re showing people how to play a song, just like JP did last night.

Here's an article on it.