a quick wedding planning note I want to get on the record

My biggest lobbying effort during wedding planning was to have our invitation envelopes preface the female guest's name with "The Lovely"

so for example:

Mr. Spencer King and the lovely Mrs. Devin King
123 Main St.
Gainsville, FL 12034

I fought for that.

I lost. But I fought.


My second biggest lobbying effort was to play Also Sprach Zarathustra when Cindy and I walked into the reception.

I even used a "They're referring to Zarathustra, and that's part of my religion."

But I lost that one too.

(I love the drummer's last shot at :51, and the conductor at 1:00. [The drummer does it against at 1:13])


But I did win some lobbying efforts. Our first dance was to Michael Bolton, I said I loved you but I lied.

voting

I expected early voting lines last weekend to be shorter because the Obama hysteria had passed, but instead of our usual 15 minute wait, we waited over two hours.

My favorite thing to do while waiting in line to vote is catching people on the way out and asking, "So who'd you vote for?" But that got old quick, and since we were in a library I grabbed a book.

As an adult I find that I enjoy answering standardized test questions, so I grabbed an SAT prep book. I flipped open to a random section and started doing practice questions with Cindy. The questions would give us a sentence and we'd have to fill in blanks with the appropriate words. Most of the questions were easy for us because we're older and have had more exposure to the language, but I don't understand how a vocabulary test is an indicator of a high school student's ability to succeed in college. If a kid goes to a shitty high school or can't afford to take an SAT prep class, they're going to be disadvantaged. And I'm not saying there's an objective way to do this, and maybe the kids who have taken the time to memorize vocab words will do better in college, but maybe the questions more like the LSAT and can't be as easily prepared for.

Anyway, we finally got to the front of the line and when I saw the ballot, I realized why the line was so long.

In addition to the various races we had to vote on (including probably 50+ judicial retentions), we also had to vote on four other questions. The first was a proposed amendment to the Illinois Constitution. I got a pamphlet in the mail about it a couple of weeks earlier, so I knew I was going to vote in favor of the amendment. But if I hadn't, here's what was written on the ballot.

Explanation of Amendment

Upon approval by the voters, the proposed amendment, which takes effect on January 9, 2013, adds a new section to the General Provisions Article of the Illinois Constitution. The new section would require a three-fifths majority vote of each chamber of the General Assembly, or the governing body of a unit of local government, school district, or pension or retirement system, in order to increase a benefit under any public pension or retirement system. At the general election to be held on November 6, 2012, you will be called upon to decide whether the proposed amendment should become part of the Illinois Constitution.  

If you believe the Illinois Constitution should be amended to require a three fifths majority vote in order to increase a benefit under any public pension or retirement system, you should vote “YES” on the question. If you believe the Illinois Constitution should not be amended to require a three-fifths majority vote in order to increase a benefit under any public pension or retirement system, you should vote “NO” on the question. Three-fifths of those voting on the question or a majority of those voting in the election must vote ÝES” in order for the amendment to become effective on January 9, 2013. 

Fairly straight forward, except it didn't define the current voting requirement to increase benefits (the pamphlet I got in the mail said it was simple majority, and maybe most people make that assumption.)  Either way, I didn't have an issue with this question


The next page had one binding referendum question and two "local opinion" questions. The binding referendum question, was this:

"Shall the City of Chicago have the authority to arrange for the supply of electricity for its residential and small commercial retail customers who have not opted out of such program?" 

I had no idea what was meant by "authority to arrange for the supply of electricity." So I left it blank.


The third question on the ballot was this:

"Should the State of Illinois provide funding for the normal cost of pensions for Chicago teachers in the same manner as the State pays for the normal cost of teacher pensions in every other school district in the state which will free up local funding that can be invested in the classroom?" 

It certainly seems like the person who wrote the question wants me to answer Yes. This was a Chicago specific ballot question, so why would any Chicago resident not want the state to provide funding for the normal cost of pensions for Chicago teachers if it does so in every other school district in the state, especially when the surplus funds would be invested in the classroom? I didn't understand why I was being asked such a ridiculously pointed question, so again, I left it blank.


Fourth question:

"Shall the U.S. Congress pass a bill, to be duly ratified by three-fourths of the states, adopting an amendment to the U.S. Constitution, empowering the federal government and the states to regulate and limit political contributions from corporations?" 

This sounds like polling on whether Congress would have public support to amend the Constitution to overrule the Citizen's United decision. (I voted Yes.)


Happy voting.

Here's a cool feature on the Washington Post website if you're bored and wanted be disgusted by the amount of money that goes into negative campaigning.

How to pay off our national debt

If I log onto an online sports-book like sportsinteraction.com and put $20 on the following parlay:

- Saudi Arabia to win the 2013 Men's Handball World Championship
- Bjorn Haneveer to win the 2013 World Snooker Championship
- South Alabama University to beat University of Louisiana Monroe in football today
- Yusaf Mack to beat Karl Froch in next month's IBF Super Middleweight championship bout
- Universidad SC to beat Deportivo Malacateco in tomorrow's Guatemalan soccer league match
- Gloria Bistrita to beat Steaua Bucuresti in tomorrow's Romanian soccer league match
- Jamie Caven to win the 2013 PDC (Darts) World Championship

My $20 bet will pay out $135,291,500,744,400

Our national debt is less than $17,000,000,000,000

So that means we'll have at least $117,000,000,000,000 left over to finance the rigging of these events.

I guarantee I could rig the World Championship of Darts with a trillion dollars. And if I tell Karl Froch I'll give him a billion dollars to lay down in his fight next month, he'd be the happiest man in the world because not only would he be a billionaire, but wouldn't have to box anymore.

The only part of this plan that might be challenging is collecting the $135 trillion from the sports book. But lets worry about that later. Maybe our creditors will accept IOU's from the sports-book.

My favorite book-on-public-transportation story

Johnnie O once saw a man on the L reading John Adams --- something anyone who rides public transportation everyday has probably seen multiple times. But as Johnnie O got off the train, he noticed that the man had put a John Adams book cover over a Harry Potter book.

I get a kick out of imagining that guy's personality. Plus I don't understand the shame in reading Harry Potter. It's probably the 2nd most popular series I've seen on public transportation, behind The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

I've only been self-conscious about my book selection once. I read The Devil Wears Prada, the Hunger Games trilogy, and Ric Flair's autobiography on public transportation and didn't think anything of them. But if I had to come up with a top five self-concsious reads on a CTA bus/train, they'd be these:

5. The Prize (Daniel Yergin)

- This is a 900+ page hardcover about the history of oil. For the most part I didn't think anything of it, but once in a while I could imagine it looking a bit pretentious to be standing on a crowded train and pulling that thing out of my bag and taking notes in the margins. (Very good book, but I won't give it a strong recommendation because of its length. That being said, I think the length is necessary because it emphasizes oil's impact on the economy.)

4. The Breast (Phillip Roth)

- I suppose the title is enough, but anyone who knows this book probably knows it's bad and is wondering why I'm reading it. (I bought it because I thought it was funny to walk into used bookstores and loudly ask, "Do you have The Breast by Phillip Roth?) (Plus I had read the other two Kepesh books, so I was curious.) (And it was pretty bad. I definitely do not recommend it.)

3. The Dying Animal (Phillip Roth)

- Great book, but one morning I was standing shoulder-to-shoulder with a woman on the train while reading a foreplay scene with an act that --- how do I want to put this? --- you've probably never seen done in porn.

2. Capitalism and Freedom (Milton Friedman)

- Most people who ride public transportation in Chicago probably don't agree with Friedman (despite that few names are more closely related to the city), and I feel like anyone who's willing to pick this thing up today is probably familiar with his ideas and is looking to hammer them in some more, so it almost looks like I'm trying to make a point by reading it. But I haven't read an econ book in a while, plus Friedman's prose is underrated: 

"However attractive anarchy may be as a philosophy, it is not feasible in a world of imperfect men."

But I didn't feel self conscious about any of those four. There has only been one book that I occasionally made efforts to keep concealed on the train:

1. Women (Charles Bukowski)

First: the title.

Second (and foremost): the cover art.

Third: if anyone happened to be reading over my shoulder (which I often do to others) they were probably treated to a scene where a drunken Chinaski "mounts" a woman but is unable to orgasm, so he passes out, wakes up the next morning, pukes, shits, and then remounts and does the deed to completion and then sees her out. (That being said, it's a great book.)

on Twitter

I rarely Tweet, but enjoy following. (my username is cyrusi.) A nice thing about twitter is that it doesn't hurt to follow someone who doesn't tweet. I follow 23 people, but only a handful actually tweet.

Check out my new book, "The Loneliest Job in the World: A Masturbatory History of the White House." 

(me on twitter)

(Much of the following may be extremely obvious, but I'm late getting on Twitter, so I apologize.)

Tweeting is an exercise in efficiency in two ways:

1) Tweets are limited to 140 characters
2) Clogging up someone's twitter with superfluous tweets will make them stop following you (at least it will make me stop following you)

Not enough kids say, "When I grow up, I wanna be chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff." 

(me on twitter)

The ideal tweeter for me is @abdoss00. He's a friend with overlapping interests and a responsible tweeter. He seems to care about his followers.

So who is this Tony Montana character people constantly say I remind them of? 

(me on twitter)

@vmh is similar, but tweets far less frequently and his can be a bit more nuanced. (five score updates on a high school football game, and then nothing for two weeks.)

The worst kind of tweeter is @SalmanRushdie. I thought he'd be fun to follow, but instead of writing great sentences, his tweets are 98% self promotion. (After one of the recent mass shootings, he spat out 20+ tweets on gun control, but other than that he's pretty worthless.) In Rushdie's defense, he is the established celebrity who uses Twitter as a platform to tell his die hard fans where they can see more of him (and to frequently pat himself on the back.) He's just not interested in using twitter as a platform for his art, and I respect that.

95% of convention speeches are based on the assumption that swing voters are clueless about the limits of presidential power. 

(me on twitter)

But then there are other people who are trying to gain celebrity through twitter, so they stick to writing original tweets and can be fun to follow. Like @GaryJanetti. I think he's a TV writer, but he takes on a kind of assholish persona that's pretty hilarious.

I think I'm finally going to make the switch from gmail to hotmail. 

(me on twitter)

@mikepolkjr is hilarious, but rarely tweets.  @rickygervais is funny (surprise, surprise), but might overload your twitter page. In the last four hours he's tweeted 18 times.

Check out my op-ed in the Wall St. Journal, "Sperm is life: The case for criminalizing male masturbation." 

(me on twitter)

Every 20 tweets or so I'll get a sponsored tweet from some company promoting their product, but they put an orange checkbox under the tweet so it's clear that it's sponsored and I don't have to waste my time reading it. (so it makes me wonder how they'll make money.)

I'm excited about the new Scottish restaurant that opened a few blocks from my apartment: "McDonald's"

(what I'm about to tweet)

ok

I took this picture on Friday.

I'm still not immune to this.

...

I stopped for lunch in a small town north of Crawfordsville Indiana last Friday and came upon this.

It's hard to tell from the picture, but in the reflection you can see a man with his wife and two daughters eating ice cream. They seem normal, except the dad has a gun clipped to his belt.

(He's the one leaning forward. If you look under the stop sign and you can see the handle of the gun)

...

The one ingredient conspicuously missing from this Domino's Pizza garlic sauce:

Garlic.

...

Bone used to work for this campaign, but after seeing this ad, I'm pretty sure he's thrilled to no longer be associated with it.

...

On Lance Armstrong:

Why don't we just make all athletes take steroids to level the playing field?

This is a good article somewhat related to that subject. (The first six paragraphs pretty much describe what happened to me in 4th grade.)

...

It's Sunday afternoon, it's raining outside, what shall I do??

Serious Question

If Olympic medals are awarded in swimming for freestyle, backstroke, butterfly and breast stroke; then why not also award medals in running for sprinting, back-pedaling, side shuffling and hopping?

Serious question.

A New Style

You may have noticed that I've taken an especially long hiatus. Let me assure you it was for good reason. After blogging for over five years, I've spent the last month doing some very serious introspection, the result of which is that I want to take this blog in a new direction.

For the foreseeable future I am going to focus on writing more serious and poignant vignettes, stories that are understated and rife with subtext. Pieces that examine our lives and seek clues to the mysteries of the human condition.

The following is my first, I spent the last month working on it. I hope it means as much to you as it does to me.

...

Cindy and I went to dinner Friday night and were were seated next to a couple on their first date. After being together for almost nine years and sharing thousands of meals, it was fascinating to hear a conversation between a couple eating their first meal together in the hopes it will result in more.

He works for a bank and loves hockey. She works in advertising and recently moved into a new apartment. She doesn't know anything about hockey, but asks him questions about it anyway. You can learn a lot about a person by their approach their hobbies. Did he play in college? No, he went to a school without a formal hockey program because he wanted to focus on his education. Does he go to games often? No, he's from St. Louis and only goes when the Blues are in town. Does he play in a league now? Yes, roller hockey on Wednesday nights on North Avenue beach. He invites her to come watch his game this week. She smiles and accepts.


Cindy looks at me and asks, "Remember when we didn't know these kinds of things about each other?"


Not only does Cindy know what sports I like, she can usually name a player on my current fantasy baseball team. And not only do I know about Cindy's job, but I can speak at length about her office politics.

Their waiter arrives and asks if they'd like to start with drinks. The man picks up the wine list and begins scanning. The woman tells the waiter she's glad he's picking because she doesn't know anything about wine. After surveying the list for 30 seconds, he orders a Cab.


The waiter compliments his choice and leaves.


I check the wine list to see the price of his bottle. It was $120, one of the most expensive Cabs on the list.

The girl asks him if he he has any siblings. He has a younger sister. She has a younger brother. They relish knowing that they both have a lone younger sibling of the opposite sex.

The waiter comes back and asks if they're ready to order. They've been so busy with their conversation that they haven't had an opportunity to examine the menu. The woman picks up her menu and quickly begins scanning. The man---without ever picking up his menu---says, "I'll have the biggest bone-in ribeye you've got, served as rare as you're legally allowed to serve it."

The waiter nods and begins to turn to the woman, but before she can speak, the man says, "And she'll have the garden salad, dressing on the side."

She looks up from the menu surprised. 

He continues, "In fact, bring the side of dressing to me so I can regulate the amount."

He nudges the waiter and says, "We gotta keep that fucking weight off her ass, if you know what I mean."

The waiter looks surprised, but nods his head. And then the man says, "And only one wine glass. I imagine I'll be too annihilated to drive home after the second bottle of wine."

The End

I am not an English/grammar snob, but people really need to stop using the idiom, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

I suppose it means you can't keep possession of your cake and also eat it. But who wants to hold on to a cake? If people can't come up with a better way to illustrate mutually exclusivity, then they're probably the type of people who would want to have a cake, but not eat it.

What do they plan on doing with the cake?

Hearing that bothers me almost as much as Cindy gets bothered when people misuse the word "literally"

...

I'm guessing the movie John Carter is bad because it's a Disney movie with a $250,000,000 budget, yet the only two positive reviews cited in the banner ad I just saw for the DVD were from "Ain't It Cool News" and "moviefanatic.com"

...

Here's some of the better stuff I read this week:

This is a great article in Sports Illustrated following the careers of a few pitchers during the steroid era.

Good one about George Hotz -- the guy who first hacked into a PS3 -- and the struggle between the 'control of information and freedom of information.'

Short but cool story about an aging poet.

This is from 2008, and I didn't expect to read more than a couple of paragraphs, but it's actually an entertaining portrait of Carla Bruni and Nicolas Sarkozy and an unexpected peek into European culture.

Anything about Adderal frightens me on multiple levels, this is another example.

...

I overheard a guy on the bus saying this on the phone:

"You've never met a man until you've watched him have sex."

Seemed a bit much.

I feel like watching a man get a lap-dance would be enough.

...

I think restaurants are going overboard with the way they show off how "local" they are. When I look at a menu I want to read as little as possible. So when we went to Province a couple of weeks ago and had to read the name of every fucking farm their locally sourced ingredients came from, I found myself thinking, "I really don't care where these snap peas grew, I just want to know what's in the dish."

Just put one line at the top of the menu saying you use local ingredients, and I'll trust that you do.

And in case you're wondering whether they're a certified green building by the U.S. Green Building Council, they had this certificate hanging in the men's bathroom.

(The food at this place was really good, by the way.)

random

That's me reading at Storylab last Wednesday (taken by fellow reader Monte)

Someone broke into our apartment the day before and stole a bunch of stuff -- including my computer. I lost a lot of files, including the revised version of the story I planned on reading. I was kind of bummed because I spent Tuesday night dealing with the police and the insurance company and changing internet passwords, so I didn't get a chance to work on the story.

The next day I searched my e-mail and found an old version and printed it and marked it up on the L ride home to prepare for the reading. I was still kind of drained and wasn't as excited about the reading as I should have been, but when I got up and started reading and heard people's reactions, it was cool. All of their energy just kind of went into me and woke me up and I ended up having a great time. (although it's funny saying that and then looking at that picture and seeing the look on the girl's face to my left.)

So for anyone who saw me at Storylab last Wednesday, thank you!!

...

There's nothing I can say to properly preface the link I'm about to share, but if you have a few minutes, click on this and learn about Braco and his magical gaze. And if you're still curious, check out some of the Braco videos on youtube.

I could spend all day writing about this, it's overwhelming.

We live in a strange, strange world.

a fucked up world.

You know, we sit here and try to make sense of it all and try to do all this positive shit and set all these goals and have these ambitions and try to live a good life and do all the right things. And then someone like Braco comes along and just makes you think, "You know, maybe we're just a fart in the fucking wind."

Maybe it's all just bullshit. And in a way that realization is kind of soothing.

It kind of puts your worries in perspective. You think about all of the bullshit stress in your life, and you see a fucking guy like Braco flying around the world and taking money to stare at groups of people and you say to yourself, "What the fuck am I so worried about? This is all just a weird little ride that I might as well enjoy."

(Wow, the crazy thing is, maybe this is the actual effect Braco is meant to have on people and I'm actually getting it! Holy shit, I think you've just witnessed me actually being moved by Braco.)

...

I bought a new Macbook to replace my old one. It's pretty much identical to the old one except that the keys light up. I can understand having the option of turning that on if I'm typing in the dark, but I don't understand why that feature is turned on from the start.

Do any Mac owners leave the keys lit up all the time??

...

You know how British men sometimes refer to younger women as, "Love."

It's kind of creepy, but I kind of like it.

"Come here, love."

...

I also had to buy a new version of Microsoft Word. The one new feature worth mentioning is "Focus View." This basically takes everything off my screen except for the document and a few essential toolbox items (it gets rid of the dashboard at the bottom with the internet browsing icon.) I just tried it for the first time and I think might be kind of effective, but it's pathetic that I don't have the self control to just not surf the web.

...

I enjoy whiskey/scotch from time to time, but am far from being any kind of connoisseur. That being said, I had a memorably good whiskey on Saturday night. Here's a link to it on Binny's website in case you're interested.

Without a doubt it was the most I've ever enjoyed a glass of whiskey.

...

Knowing I have an SLR camera, my friend Aaron asked for a camera recommendation this morning. I don't know why I find this so funny, but I wanted to send him this link and tell him my photographer friends recommended it as a basic starter kit.

"My eleven year old niece likes taking pictures, so I got her this set."

or maybe, "This kit will probably last you a year or two until you decide what you like shooting and are ready for an upgrade."

ok, probably not nearly as funny as I think it is.

...

There are five units in our building, and two washers and two dryers. And there's a girl who occasionally leaves her stuff in the dryer for days. I don't mind this, because she's told me it's ok to take her stuff out and put it on top of the dryer if I need to use it -- and I've done that before.

But today the stuff she left in the dryer was pretty much just a load of underwear, and I felt a little weird handling it. I just kept picturing her walking into the laundry room and seeing me with two handfuls of her panties.

It kind of reminded me of this scene from the Soprano's. (After finding that on youtube, I just spent the last hour watching at Soprano's scenes. I've probably said this before, but that show is underrated.)

...

I've written at length about daytime TV before, and just caught myself watching Dr. Phil. Two questions:

1) Is it real?

if so,

2) Where do they find these people?

For example, this guy,

Looks normal enough, but, 

He says he likes acting like a baby. They showed a clip of him wearing baby clothes and diapers and sleeping in a crib and crying like a baby and making noises like a baby and sucking on a pacifier. 

And there's more. 

He has a girlfriend.

She's been dating him for six years, and is basically forced to treat him like a baby all the time.

What must their initial courtship have been like?

They show a clip of him crying while she feeds him with a bottle. 

Dr. Phil pleads with her to leave him.

Just absolutely begs her.

She tentatively agrees to leave him.

But there's more. 

The people at Dr. Phil have found a man who actually wants to take care of Brett and treat him like a baby. The bring the guy out.

 He has a slight southern twang and has a masters in theology.

Phil asks, "So you studied in the seminary?"

"Yes, that's correct." 

And then there's one more thing,

He's a daddy to another adult baby!


I don't understand why anyone would want to do the things these three people are doing, but I respect their fearlessness for being on national television talking about it.

Maybe they were inspired by Braco's magical gaze.

makeup and wherever it may lead

I don't know what women look for in make-up, but I've been noticing make-up ads lately and I don't think they're as effective as they can be.

For example, here's a makeup ad:

Here's another one:

I don't understand.

Maybe the makeup is working, or maybe these women would look just as good without makeup. How am I supposed to know?

If makeup manufacturers really want to consumers to see what their products can do, shouldn't they use before and after pictures?

Wouldn't it make more sense to show the product in action?

...

(I started reviewing Fifty Shades of Grey, but I think it deserves its own post. Stay tuned.)

...

Here's a clip from an interview with former CIA Director Jose Rodriguez who admits that the CIA tortured terrorism suspects after 9/11 and defends the practice as being effective.

Some of the torture methods involved were waterboarding, slapping, sleep deprivation, confinement to small spaces with insects, stress positions, and humiliation. Rodriguez argues that the suspects had information critical to national security and weren't going to give it up without being tortured. And not only that, but many of the suspects were so determined that it took prolonged torture to get them to talk.

Ok, I hate to be the one to say this, but I imagine it's what we're all thinking, so here goes:

Wouldn't these methods be more effective if instead of torturing the suspects, we made them watch while we tortured their mothers?

...

What do they call black people in Europe?

I always enjoy listening to Juice rant about the term African American.

"Where the fuck would I go in Africa? I don't know shit about Africa. That's a big ass continent and I don't know anything about anyone on it --- except Nelson Mandela."

It's not like he's rooting for Angola in the Olympics. It's not like he's going out to Ethiopian restaurants. Black people have been here longer than most white people, there's gotta be a better way to describe their race. Maybe the only real Americans are the ones whose ancestors were here before the revolution.

Plus, if we're going to discriminate against people, shouldn't we be discriminating against Irish and Italians?

...

I'm reading at Storylab later this month. It's a show where people read personal stories, I've gone to watch a few times, it's an interesting show. I love watching amateurs telling true stories, I feel like professional/experienced memoirists become a little too skilled in embellishing.

I must admit, I'm tempted to write something extremely boring and read it the night of the show to see how people react.

...

Game of Thrones is a great show. If you haven't watched the first season, don't click on this link, but if you have, this is probably my favorite scene.

...

Here's kind of a funny/serious article about Edward Conrad's new book that might as well be called "In Defense of Income Inequality." It's funny because although he makes some good points ---- he doesn't mischaracterize anything about the need for risk taking and how discovering efficiencies benefits society and how those who invest in the discovery of efficiencies deserve to be disproportionately rewarded (I agree with all of that ) ---- but he also shows how crazy you have to be to want to get out there and compete for those "rewards" these days:

 “God didn’t create the universe so that talented people would be happy. It’s not beautiful. It’s hard work. It’s responsibility and deadlines, working till 11 o’clock at night when you want to watch your baby and be with your wife. It’s not serenity and beauty.”

The funny thing about listening to people who believe they know the one true economic theory is hearing the crazy assumption that holds it all together --- like Conrad's which is essentially, "Look, we all have to be miserable to make it work, but as long as we're ok with that, it'll work."

a long, focused, coherent narrative

(just kidding)

...

I've noticed that one of the questions people seem to ask in the furtherance of making polite conversation at social gatherings these days is, "Do you have any trips planned?"

The next time someone asks me that, my response is going to be, "Why the fuck would I have any trips planned?"

...


Do any of my male readers trim their pubic hair?

I'm not saying I've never done it, I'm just saying I'll never do it again.

And it's not because I've had a bad experience or anything; I just don't understand the purpose of it. There's no functional benefit. (If anything, you can argue that pubic hair provides a cushion.)

And I don't like the argument that it's for aesthetics. If you reach the point where a woman is looking at your pubic hair, then it's probably too late for aesthetics to have much of an impact on the impending proceedings.

...

Am I going to be known as the dumbass who bought Apple at $585/share?

(I'm just setting myself up for failure, and I know it, but here it comes:)

You know what Apple is good at doing?

Making superior products.

Have you ever compared an iPhone to an Android phone?

It's nothing short of funny. You'll actually laugh.

Have you ever compared a Mac to a PC?

In three years of owning a PC I probably spent over 20 hours on the phone with Dell customer service and required at least three in home visits. I've called Apple once in four years, and it was for help on an obscure software issue (software that wouldn't even come standard on a PC)

The only problem with Apple stock is that it's gone up too fast. I'm serious. Take a look under the hood. If anything that stock is undervalued. They don't have a single penny of debt.

I like Netflix too. The first time I tweeted was to advise followers to buy Netflix when it dropped under $70. If I had to chose between having cable or Netflix, I'd take Netflix even if they were the same price. (and Netflix is less than a fifth the price of cable.)

That all being said, I have absolutely no idea what moves stock prices these days.

...


Edvard Munch's masterpiece The Scream will be up for auction in a couple of weeks. It is expected to fetch around $80 million.

What's more surprising to me than a painting like this selling for $80 million is the fact that it has been stolen twice in the last 20 years.

What are you going to do with it if you steal it?

Sell it? Hang it up in the living room?

"Oh, is that a re-print of The Scream?"

"No, it's an original."

"Wait, aren't there only four originals? And aren't three of them in museums? And wasn't the fourth one stolen last month?"

"Yes to all."

...


Wouldn't it be great if your nickname was "The Maestro" ?

...


Trivia Question: What't the most commonly asked rhetorical question in America?


Answer: "Will you marry me?"

...

I'm not a writing snob --- I thoroughly enjoyed The Da Vinci Code despite it's wealth of stylistic deficiencies --- but I recently came across a sentence in Esquire magazine that was so bad I actually copied it into my notes.

Before I paste it below, just know that this sentence wasn't from some 100 word blurb, it comes from a 4,000 word feature that people on Longreads voted as one of their favorite stories of 2011. Ok, here it is:

"But Fred Thomas was also in the grip of something else besides fantasy, and what he was also in the grip of was the government that used its resources to make his fantasy real so that it could stop him from carrying it out."

Are you kidding me? How does that happen? It had to be proofread, right? Was that sentence some kind of inside joke? Did someone lose a bet? How about writing it like this?

But Fred Thomas was in the grip of something besides fantasy, he was in the grip of a government that used its resources to make his fantasy real in order to stop him from carrying it out. 

I think my sentences are shit. I truly do. From the bottom of my heart, I hate the way I write sentences. I cringe every time I read my writing. But man, reading that sentence made me feel good about my writing.

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Here's a great Beatles' song I'm almost embarrassed to say I heard for the first time on XRT the other night. (I really need to sit down and listen to their entire catalogue.) Here's a cool demo of the evolution of the song. (funny how awful the first version sounds.) There are lots of covers on youtube, but the Black Keys cover was my favorite.

I was going to link to my favorite drum cover of the song, but EMI recently blocked it. Talk about a thankless job. Some poor guy posts a drum cover of a Beatles' song for people to enjoy, and you've gotta be the asshole at the big record company who tells him to go fuck himself.

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What's manlier than a thick mane of pubic hair?

(serious question)

I guess the testicles themselves would be one answer.


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What do you call a man without pubic hair?


A boy.

hunger games (and probably some tangents)

On the Hunger Games:

I thought the books were a more action packed and teenage friendly version of 1984. I enjoyed the first book, but thought the second and third could have been cut down to one. I actually put the third book down for a while and read some other stuff.


My main gripe with the film was that Katniss and Gale looked far too healthy.

Are we supposed to believe this guy is starving to the point where he's risking his life to hunt for squirrels?

The book wants us to believe he's starving because the government limits his supply of food. But if you watch movie you'll probably assume he's starving because he spends all of his money hair care products.

Look at that hair! Longer, but neatly trimmed---not covering his ears, no mess in the back. And could he be any cleaner shaven? I haven't been that clean shaven since I was 10.

And look at how thick he is!!

What kind of fucked up imagination do you need to believe this guy is starving???

He doesn't look like the son of a coal miner. He looks like the son of a coal mine owner.

He looks like the quarterback of the District 12 college football team.

Cindy just told me that he's dating Miley Cyrus. And that makes sense, because he looks like a guy who's dating a movie star.

The book does a great job of hammering home the point that the people of District 12 are on the verge of starvation, but seeing these two actors makes that absolutely impossible to believe. If anything you can make the argument that Katniss could lose a pound or two.


The film also changes the way she gets the Mockingjay pin. In the book it's given to her by a friend, but in the movie it's given to her by a vendor after Katniss inquires about its price --- I find it hard to believe she'd even consider buying jewelry given the desperate financial state depicted so well by the book. (But that's a nit-picky gripe.)

Other than that, I think the movie does the book justice.

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This is kind of an interesting story. Might not be worth reading the entire thing, but it taught me that high stakes blackjack players can actually negotiate the rules of blackjack with a casino to even out the odds.

(And "high stakes" means someone who will play with $500,000.)

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Maybe I'm getting old and soft, but this 60 Minutes segment about a symphony orchestra in the Congo almost got an asshole like me choked up.

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Do people who write smooth jazz write it with the hopes that it gets played in hotel and office lobbies? Are they writing it knowing they're going to sell it to call centers for hold music? Or are they doing it for the love of smooth jazz? Are they out there trying to book gigs playing this stuff? (I'm actually digging this second track) (treat yourself to a listen)

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Some interesting stuff on olive oil in this article, (this is the longer one if you're really interested) Might not be worth your time, but here's some info:

1) Real extra-virgin olive oil is expensive so it is sometimes mixed with inferior vegetable oils and mislabeled as olive oil.

2) To be "extra-virgin" the oil can only be extracted by a press or centrifuge --- no heat, no chemicals. It must also meet 32 chemical requirements, including being less than .8 percent acid. Frauds can often be detected by chemical tests, but when those fail, the oils are subjected to government a sponsored "Olive Oil Tasting Panel." (aka - human beings who believe their palates are superior to chemical testing. Imagine the egos in that room.)

3) The author of the article and other olive oil aficionados enjoy drinking olive oil neat, which reminds me,

4) I know a guy who ran 50 miles a couple of years ago and drank olive oil during the race to get calories.

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Cindy just got home from work and I had the smooth jazz playing and the first thing she said when she walked in was, "Are you trying to seduce me?"

quick thoughts on the healthcare debate

From an op-ed in The Wall St. Journal:

At stake in ObamaCare is whether the High Court will ignore 225 years of constitutional understanding to ratify the federal government's claim that it can force individual Americans to buy an insurance product—to engage in commerce—so it can then regulate all of the health-care market.

From an op-ed in The Atlantic:

But if the Court were to strike down the act it would be a fundamental reversal of generations of judicial deference to federal economic legislation.

Knowing I can read from multiple sources online, wouldn't these publications be smart enough to concede that there are two sides to this argument, and neither of them are evil?

Someone is going to lose. Either it'll be sick people with pre-existing conditions that no insurance company will accept. Or it'll be younger healthier people who don't have full time jobs and don't want to put all of their saving into a comprehensive health insurance plan they won't use for another 20+ years.

The argument that young people will eventually need insurance is a good one, and I'd be 100% on board if I believed my money was being used efficiently and that there'd be some left when I needed it.

The other concern is that if I'm being forced to pay for people's healthcare, then I'm going to want to criminalize cigarettes. I'm going to want a federal mandate on exercise. If some dumbass gets hurt ski jumping or skateboarding, I don't want him covered under any insurance plan that I am legally obligated to subsidize.

If I am forced to pay for people's healthcare, it becomes my interest to keep them healthy.

The Indiana Law Fantasy Baseball League's Premier Gay Erotic Writer

(I am the chairman of the evaluation committee)

more on legalizing dueling (and the tangent to which it will lead)

"To call yourself a free country and then outlaw dueling is preposterous." (Mike Connors, 3/6/2012)

The End.

If two Americans want to duel, they should be allowed to go to a sanctioned range, take a sobriety test, sign a waiver, pay a fee, and duel. And if we’re willing to tolerate one final act of paternalism, combatants can have the option of dueling with special holsters that lock in pistols until a signal releases them simultaneously.

When a disagreement rises to the level where participants are willing to duel, it is conceivable that one will murder the other if dueling is not an option. And when there’s a murder, who gets stuck paying the bill for the police investigation? And the trial? And the appeal? And how much more of our tax dollars are spent to imprison, feed, and clothe a murderer for the rest of his life? Or execute him?

Execution isn’t the swift, efficient remedy of the past. No more long-drop hangings with a second-hand rope on a judge’s whim the day after the victim’s funeral. The modern capital-punishment appeals process is so exhaustive that a majority percentage of death row inmates probably die of heart disease.

Why not let them duel like gentlemen? Like sportsmen. Because not only will it allow us to reapportion wasted tax dollars, but combatants will pay to use the dueling range, and we can tax that.

Give me one argument against it.

Give me one argument against it other than, "America should no longer be a free country."


Televise the duels.

Who wouldn't watch?

Ok, who that watches football or ultimate fighting wouldn't watch?

Make it interesting. Allow them to choose from a variety of weapons. If they agree to use samurai swords, then so be it.

What's the harm in a little ax fight to the death between consenting adults?

Imagine the spark to local economies. Tourists have been crossing the Atlantic for generations to pile into stadiums and watch sword-wielding men kill unarmed bulls. But where’s the drama in that? We kill thousands of cows every day. Give me a table full of spears and a red blanket and put me on a field with a bull, and we might give spectators an interesting show. But there’s no excitement in watching a highly trained matador methodically kill a bull (unless you enjoy watching large defenseless animals endure slow painful deaths.) But it’s not every day that you can step into an area and watch two human beings put each other to the ultimate test.

And don’t give me that bullshit prisons-create-jobs argument. Show me a prison and I’ll show you an overcrowded prison. No prison guards are going to lose their jobs because of a tiny drop in first-degree murderer inmates. If anything this will be welcomed by employees of the criminal justice system because if they’re unhappy with their current jobs, they can surely find work in the restaurants, bars, hotels, gift shops, gentlemen’s clubs, dueling schools, parking garages, international airports, and other businesses that will open near the dueling range.

Could it drive people to duel who may have otherwise settled their differences amicably? Maybe. Maybe not. But lets save that debate for a time when under-population is a problem on this planet.

If anything, dueling has the potential to spread goodwill. If you lose a loved one to a murder, you’re going to be angry, depressed, and left with a more cynical worldview. But lose that person in a duel and you’ll remember him as either a hero who stood up for his beliefs, or at the very least, someone who ended life on his own terms. And either way you’ll shake the winner’s hand and recognize his integrity.

And again, think of the tax dollars. Not only will dueling raise money for Medicare and Social Security, but every man who dies in a duel is one less person we’ll have to support with Medicare and Social Security.

Everyone wins.

(Almost everyone wins.)

Are we a free country or are we not a free country? It's a simple question.


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Speaking of dueling. If you're a true believer in modern conservative politics, you've gotta hate what the Republicans are doing. They're killing each other.

Has a candidate ever come out of a primary this bloody and gone on to knock off an incumbent? (Clinton took it down pretty easily in '92. He had 80% of the delegates---compared to 15% for Jerry Brown and 5% for Paul Tsongas.)

I even read about a Gingrich attack ad that criticized Romney for voting for Tsongas in '92.

Although I can see Gingrich's point in being pissed about that. Newt was out there in the trenches fighting Democrats with the Contract for America and all that other bullshit, meanwhile Romney was sipping on white wine spritzers in Manhattan and voting for Paul Tsongas. I'd be pissed too.

Gingrich actually shut down the government in the name of conservative politics! People had to go home. Checks weren't getting written. Nights were sleepless. Meanwhile Romney's sitting on the couch with his wife watching Knots Landing and voting for fucking Paul Tsongas!

Now that I think about it, if I was Gingrich, every ad I ran would be the Tsongas ad.

legalize dueling

I have an idea for a game show. You give someone a choice of items: either a new iPad or laptop.

Then they have to use their item while riding the Red Line from Howard to 95th and back. If they can make it though the ride without getting the items stolen, they can keep them. (Same could be played on the Green Line)

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Watch the two-part PBS documentary on Bill Clinton. If you think you might have any interest in Clinton, I highly recommend it.

Cindy missed parts of it, so she'd come back in the room and I'd want to fill her in on what she missed, but it was so efficient that I never had an opportunity to stop paying attention and talk.

Lots of great stories and one-liners. Even the cinematography for some of the interviews is great (loved the shot they had during the interview with Linda Trip's literary agent.)

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Check out this short film / Chipotle commercial if you haven't already seen it.

It's taken a while for me to get behind the concept of free-range livestock. We're still killing them and eating them, do we really have the right to be outraged when they're not given optimal living conditions? Maybe. But I'm still not completely sold on the idea of "lets let these chickens have happy little chicken lives before we chop their heads off and eat them."

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This is a great story about the brawl between the Pacers and Pistons back in 2004 (and here's the video)

To sum it up, every single word of the story furthers the point that this was an extremely crazy, chaotic, violent and frightening scene.

And then there was this quote from the Piston's play by play announcer:

Bill Laimbeer and I were broadcasting the game down by the Pistons bench. Everything happened on the other end of press row. And the reason I wasn't particularly shook up about it is because Bill Laimbeer didn't seem to be particularly bothered by it. He was kind of nonplussed by the whole thing.

They just don't make them like Bill Laimbeer anymore.

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If you like books about politics/economics but don't have time to read the entire books, check out this guy's blog. I haven't read much because I stumbled upon it recently, but his output is impressive.

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If you're in the mood for something long, here's a great story about mass incarceration in America. He touches on a lot of issues that I'm not gonna getting into (although for-profit prisons may be a sign of the apocalypse.) He also argues that the next steps to lowering the prison population in America are decriminalizing marijuana, ending prison sentences for all drug misdemeanors, and giving trial court judges more discretion.

I agree with the first two.

Decriminalization of marijuana is going to face strong opposition from at least four powerful lobbies: alcohol, pharmaceuticals, prisons, and religion. And I don't think those in favor of legalizing marijuana have enough fight in them to stand up to those four, at least not anytime soon.

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Speaking of decriminalization.

Did you hear that they decriminalized murder in Juarez Mexico?

There's also a guy running for governor of Texas who wants to legalize prostitution and dueling.

In a recent speech he said, "There's only two things that matter to every red-blooded Texas man: whores and settling scores."

untitled

I was watching a show about African lions this morning. At one point the scientists crept up behind a lion and began observing. They were all quiet until one of them—with a British accent—enthusiastically said, “Wow. Look at the testicles on that thing.”

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Later in the show, the scientists were trying to get a sample of lion poop to test how efficiently they break down food. One of the scientists was sitting in a jeep when the camera shifts to a lion 50 feet in front of them. The lion squats, takes a dump and walks away. “Incredible! Absolutely majestic. That lion just walked to a spot 50 feet from us, took a dump, and walked away.”

It would be weird to take a dump with people watching. I feel bad for dogs. Sometimes I see dog owners taking their dogs out on the sidewalk and I want to tell them to show some respect and look away while the poor dog suffers the humiliation of defecating in public. You’re already dragging it around the streets of Chicago naked with a leash around its neck, at least have the common decency look away and allow it to cling to its last shred of dignity.

Quick animal poop tidbits: Giraffes are very picky vegetarians and their dumps look like milk duds. Elephants eat pretty much any non-meat item in sight and their dumps look like piles of mud. Lions only eat meat and are known for having the most rancid smelling dumps in the wild.

Lions also have surprisingly small penises. A lion’s intercourse usually only lasts ten seconds, but a male can have sex 40 times a day. I’d imagine this gets annoying for the woman.

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Here’s a well written story about Dharun Ravi, the Rutgers student who used a webcam to spy on his gay roommate and tweeted about it. The roommate eventually killed himself—many argue as a result of Ravi’s bullying—and Ravi is facing up to ten years in prison for aggravated invasion of privacy (aggravated for being a hate crime), evidence tampering and witness tampering.

The author implicitly argues that although Ravi doesn’t deserve any Nobel Peace Prize nominations for his actions, he probably shouldn’t be put in prison either. Regardless of what happens in court, it’s not going to be easy for Ravi to hide from this, which brings up an interesting thought.

If not for this incident, Ravi appeared capable enough to someday earn a living in the tech world. He is an asshole, but we’ve all been assholes at some point, and he’s young enough to outgrow it. But even if he’s found innocent of all charges, he’s still going to be stuck with the stigma of this incident for the rest of his life—especially because a lot of what was initially reported was exaggerated (he didn’t “out” the roommate, he didn’t record anything, and he didn’t have a viewing party.) Whenever he applies for a job and gets googled by a potential employer, they’ll find hundreds of articles about the incident citing court records of his personal e-mails and text messages. And I’d imagine any woman he dates will google him and learn the same stuff. So my question is: will he change his name to get away from this? Will others with easily googeable pasts change their names to make life easier?

(An unexpected effect of this story is getting a glimpse of what college is like with computers and cell phones.)

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Sophomore year of high school I had first period gym, and two seniors used to torment me in the locker room every morning. It was annoying. They didn’t know me and had no apparent reason to bother me other than being physically able. I don’t remember exactly what they did, it wasn’t enough to where I felt compelled to alert any faculty or friends, but I remember they were two big goons and I used to dread going to my gym locker every morning.

Since they were seniors, we were never in the same gym class activity until the classes combined for basketball. I was pretty good at basketball, plus I was small and generally un-athletic, so no one knew I could play.

The teacher split us into teams to play full court games to five; winning team stays on the court. I had the same teacher the year before and he knew I could play, so he liked putting bad players on my teams to force me to be aggressive—and then he’d get a kick out of trash talking everyone on my behalf. So of course, he put both of the goons on my team.

The goons were terrible, but they were competitive and wanted to win. Once in a while they’d grab a rebound or get a steal, but they’d balance out their rare contributions with dumb fouls. On the other hand, I played my best and we ended up staying on the court the entire class. The goons were smiling and having a good time winning.

Back in the locker room after class, not only did they stop bullying me, but they wanted to be my friend.

It was ridiculous. These guys had spent the last month tormenting me, and now, because I helped them win some gym class basketball games, they wanted to be my friend. It was almost more annoying than when they were bullying me because it showed how fucking fickle they were.

The problem with bullies is that they’re dumb.

I wish I had some advice for victims of bullying other than to have sympathy for their bullies. Chances are they’re dumber than you, and much less secure than you, and to make themselves feel better, they take their frustrations out on you. Victims of bullying should take pride in being bullied because the bullies are acknowledging that they think you’re better than them, and they want to bring you down to their level. And that might be all there is to it.

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(I almost fell down in the shower laughing from thinking about the "Look at the testicles on that thing" line.)