In the news

I was at the Vatican today and heard the Pope say that the big bang was caused by God.

I raised my hand and asked, "Pope, how did God cause the big bang?"

The Pope calmly replied, "What do you think happens when God ejaculates?"

"Good point, Pope. So what about Mary?"

"She was just gazing at the sky one night and caught a shooting star in her haha."

"Haha?"

"What? Would you rather I said c*nt?"

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Also, John Edwards has reportedly proposed to his former mistress -- and current baby's mother -- Rielle Hunter.

This is a complete departure from the public relations strategy he originally employed when news of his love-child with Hunter first broke. Many believe this new direction was suggested by his new PR firm,

As many will recall, when news of his love-child first broke, Edwards took the advice of his former PR firm and calmly told reporters, "Yes, Rielle Hunter is the mother of my child. However, I just want you to know that I never kissed her. I never actually kissed her."

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Also, a 27-year-old Plainfield high school teacher has been charged with aggravated sexual abuse for having sex with a 16-year-old male student. The charge is punishable by three to seven years in prison.

So here's the question that every Will County resident is asking: How many of my hard earned tax dollars are going to be wasted on this case?

If there was some kind of quid pro quo -- "have sex with me or else I'll give you an F" -- type of thing going on, then we should prosecute the 27-year-old. But that's just not possible in this case! Maybe this isn't clear to the Will County Prosecutor, but,

A MAN'S DICK DOESN'T GET HARD LEST HE WANTS TO FUCK!

This was a 16-year-old high school student! Of course he wanted to fuck that teacher! Are you nuts? It was probably the best moment of his miserable teenage life. There's a 50/50 chance he tells his grandkids about this. And the 50% that he doesn't tell his grandkids is only on the chance that he doesn't have grandkids, or the grandkids are all girls. (He's probably not bragging to granddaughters about banging his high school gym teacher in the back seat of his car. Probably not.)

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Also, kind of unrelated to the "news" theme of this post: I was sick on Tuesday, so I didn't eat anything during the day, and at night I ate what sick people are always told to eat: chicken noodle soup. It wasn't bad.

And then on Wednesday I had chicken noodle soup for lunch and dinner. Again, it wasn't bad.

And so this begs the obvious question: Why don't people just eat chicken noodle soup for every meal?

(ok, maybe that's not an "obvious" question)

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If you enjoyed this post, please thank my agent. He called me this afternoon and suggested something along these lines.