doctors' office

(In a hospital bedroom. The patient is just waking up from surgery. The doctor walks in and grabs the patient’s file from the door.)

Doctor – Ah, you’re finally up. How are you feeling?

Patient – (still groggy, takes a deep breath) I don’t know, I feel kind of strange.

Doctor – Well, a little soreness is typical after a vasectomy. It’ll probably be a little tender for a couple of days. But don’t worry. Dr. Johnson is the best. You’ll be back to work on Monday.

Patient – You know what? I actually don’t feel sore at all, but I feel really strange.

Doctor – (Sits down and takes a look at the patient’s file) Ohhh.

Patient – What is it?

Doctor – (still reading the file) Oh God.

Patient – …

Doctor – (puts the file down.) Oh my dear God.

Patient – What is it??

Doctor –  (takes a deep breath) Someone… (he stutters)… someone must have accidentally checked the wrong box on your chart. And, and instead of getting a vasectomy… you were castrated.

Patient – WHAT THE FUCK??

Doctor – Listen, there aren’t words in the English language that can express my regret for the mix-up…

Patient – CASTRATED??? IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK FUCKING JOKE?? (he begins to weep)

Doctor – Listen, I know a great assisted suicide clinic. These guys do good work, trust me, you won’t feel a thing.

…

(At the assisted suicide clinic. The patient sits in front of a desk and talks to a doctor.)

Doctor – (He speaks slowly, and in an extremely gentle voice) We know that this is the toughest decision you’ll ever make. And I want you to know that it’s our goal to make this entire process as easy and painless for you and your family as we possibly can.

Patient – (silently nods his head)

Doctor – I know you’ve read all of our materials, but I’m going to go over the procedure one more time, just to make sure that you’re comfortable with everything.

Patient – (silently nods his head)

Doctor – First our anesthesiologist is will inject you with a sleeping agent called antamine, this will slowly put you into a very deep sleep.

Patient – (silently nods his head)

Doctor – Then he will inject a numbing agent into your torso, and then into each of your limbs in order to numb your entire body.

Patient – (silently nods his head)

Doctor – And then once we’ve got everything completely numb, we’ll chop your head off.