Monday, January 31, 2011

what I do for a living

It’s kind of embarrassing to tell people what I do for a living, so I’ve come up with something new to say. Here’s an example of how the conversation typically goes:

Person:  Cyrus, what do you do for a living?

Me:  I’m starting my own business.

Person:  What kind of business?

Me:  It’s gonna be a website.

Person: What kind of website?

Me:  Well. Basically, the idea is that users will come to my website and type in whatever they’d like to find on the internet. Then my site will run an algorithm that searches the entire web for that particular subject matter and provide the user with organized results.

Person:  …

Me:  And I’ll make money by selling ads related to people’s search results.

Person:  Kind of like Google?

Me:  Yeah,

Person:  …

Me:  A lot like Google.

Person:  …

Me:  Google’s gonna be an obstacle.

Person:  …

Me:  Google’s definitely going to be an obstacle.

Person:  …

Me:  We’ve just gotta get more traffic than them. That’s the thing. We’ve just gotta get more people using our site than Google.

Person:  …

Me:  And I’ve gotta find someone who can write the algorithm and do all of the technical stuff so our site can run the searches better than Google.

Person:  …

Me:  And then all I’ve gotta do is sell the ad space.

Person:  Have you had any setbacks?

Me:  Yeah. You know, you’d wouldn’t believe it, but it’s been surprisingly hard to raise the million I need to get the site running.

Person:  Oh, really?

Me:  Yeah, I’m as shocked as you are.

Person:  So what’s your URL gonna be?

Me:  It’s going to be www.searchtheworldwibewebsonlineforfree.net

Person:  “webs”?

Me:  Yeah, someone already had “searchtheworldwidewebonlineforfree.net”

Person:  And I can assume “.com” was taken?

Me:  Oh yeah. The guy who owns the www.searchtheworldwidewebsonlineforfree.com was asking for 10 grand.

Person:  …

Me:  I offered him 5, but he told me to go fuck myself.

Person:  …

Me:  So what type of work do you do? Are you interested in making an investment?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Emanuel is Allowed on the Ballot

I agree with today's Supreme Court decision on residency. It is nearly impossible to argue that our residency requirement was intended to keep a candidate like Rahm Emanuel off the ballot. (here's my 1,500 analysis from yesterday)

However, I take issue with the tone of the majority opinion as well as that of most op-ed’s I’ve read on the matter. According to the Supreme Court majority, the Appellate court “tossed out 150 years of settled residency law”, and “what it means to be a resident for election purposes was clearly established long ago, and Illinois law has been consistent on the matter since at least the 19th Century.”

These statements are false.

The Illinois statute at the center of this controversy lists two requirements for a candidate’s eligibility to run for office: 1) the candidate must be a “qualified elector of the municipality” (meaning he is allowed to vote in the municipality) and 2) the candidate must have “resided in the municipality at least one year next preceding the election” (this is the section in dispute)

The meaning of “resides in” – that was affirmed today – is that residency requires, 1) physical presence, and 2) an intent to remain in that place as a permanent home. Once residency is established, the test it no longer physical presence but rather abandonment. The presumption is that residency continues, and the burden of proof shifts to the contesting party to show that residency has been abandoned. (Meaning Rahm Emanuel had established residency in Chicago prior to leaving for DC, and anyone contesting his eligibility is required to prove he had no intention of returning to Chicago – that he had “abandoned” his residency.)

However, if this interpretation of the residency requirement “was clearly established long ago, and Illinois law has been consistent on the matter since at least the 19th Century” then the Supreme Court should also take issue with our State Legislature.

In 2007, Senator Dave Luechtfield introduced an exception to the residency requirement. The exception – which was approved unanimously – provided that a person is exempt from the one-year requirement if his/her residency is interrupted by active duty in the military.

When presenting the bill to the General Assembly, Senator Luechtfield said, “A situation occurred in my district where an individual was in Iraq… he came back, wanted to run for municipal office, but did not meet the one year residency requirement. This would simply allow them to come back to the same district, same ward, and run as if they had been there.”

If Illinois law establishing residency was as well settled as the Supreme Court presumes it to have been, then why on Earth would our legislature add an exception to it that is completely redundant?

Under no circumstances would military servicemen who left the state temporarily while on active duty, be accused of abandoning their residency according to our 150 year old “clearly established” law. So why would Senator Luechtfield and his brethren feel the need to add an exception for them?

Perhaps because the law wasn’t so clearly established.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Explaining the Technicalities of the Rahm Emanuel Appellate Court Majority Opinion in under 1,500 words


Disclaimer – This post will only focus on the details of the majority’s statutory interpretation. I am ignoring case law because the two sides disagree vehemently on it (the majority found it contradictory and not controlling, the dissent found the opposite.) The newspaper articles I read on the decision only explained its general conclusions, but I wanted to see how the court came to its conclusion, so I read the opinion. This post summarizes the guts of that opinion. (Not everyone will consider this pleasure reading)

Disclaimer 2 – I have no opinion on who should be Chicago’s next mayor.

Disclaimer 3 – The sections in italics are my own tangents and were not discussed in the opinion


Background –

Rahm Emanuel was born in Chicago and lived in the city for most of his adult life, he also represented the Illinois “fightin” Fifth District – which includes the north side of Chicago – in the U.S. House of Representatives. In January of 2009, Emanuel moved to Washington D.C. to serve as White House Chief of Staff and rented out his newly vacated Chicago home to a third party (but left many belongings in the basement.) In October of 2010 Emanuel resigned as Chief of Staff and moved back to Chicago to run for Mayor. He is currently polling at 44% (double that of his nearest opponent.)

Emanuel’s candidacy was challenged on the grounds that he is not a Chicago resident. The relevant statute is Illinois Municipal Code section 5/3.1-10-5, which states the following:

“A person is not eligible for an elective municipal office unless that person is a qualified elector of the municipality and has resided in the municipality at least one year next preceding the election…” (emphasis added)

Emanuel’s supporters essentially argue, “Of course he’s a resident. He was born and raised in Chicago, owns a home in Chicago, pays taxes in Chicago, intended to return to Chicago, and he only left Chicago temporarily to serve our country.”

Emanuel’s opponents’ response is, “We don’t disagree with what you say, but the law says he’s not eligible to run for mayor because he didn’t live in Chicago during the year preceding the election. And the law is the law.”

Emanuel’s opponents first argued their case to the Chicago Board of Elections and lost. They then argued to a Cook County Circuit Court and lost again. Finally, they argued to the Illinois Court of Appeals and won. So as of this writing, Emanuel is not allowed on the mayoral ballot because he violates the requirements of the Illinois Municipal Code. (Emanuel appealed to the Illinois Supreme Court – which is expected to rule on the case soon.)


The Majority’s Analysis –

The Illinois Municipal Code lists two requirements for a candidate’s eligibility: 1) the candidate must be a “qualified elector of the municipality” (meaning he is allowed to vote in the municipality) and 2) the candidate must have “resided in the municipality at least one year next preceding the election” (this is the section in dispute)

The requirements to be a “qualified elector” are listed in a separate election law statute, and are as follows: the person must 1) have resided in the election district for the 30 days preceding the election, 2) be a US citizen, and 3) and be 18 or older.

There is an exception to the 30-day residency requirement in the election law statute stating that (I’ll paraphrase) “No elector shall be deemed to have lost his/her residence in any election district in this State by reason of his/her absence on business of the United States.” (emphasis added)

Emanuel’s service as White House Chief of Staff qualifies as “business of the United States.” Therefore, the majority recognizes that he meets the requirements of being a “qualified elector.”

However, the second part of the Municipal Code states that in addition to being a qualified elector, the candidate must have “resided in the municipality at least one year next preceding the election.” And as we know, Emanuel did not live in Chicago during the preceding year.

There is an exception – listed in the Illinois Municipal Code itself – which states that a person is exempt from the one year requirement if his/her residency is interrupted by active duty in the military. Emanuel’s service as White House Chief of Staff does not fall under this exception.

Can Emanuel use the “business of the United States” exception to get out of the one year requirement? Probably not.

The “one year” requirement was added to the Illinois Municipal Code to further limit the “qualified elector” requirement. It extends the residency requirement from 30-days to one year, and it narrows the exception from any “business of the United States” to only “active duty military service.”

A look at the legislative intent of the military exception – added in 2007 – shows that when presenting the exception to the General Assembly for a vote, one of its co-sponsors explained, “A situation occurred in my district where an individual was in Iraq… he came back, wanted to run for municipal office, but did not meet the one year residency requirement. This would simply allow them to come back to the same district, same ward, and run as if they had been there.”

This insinuates that the soldier who went to Iraq could not use the “business of the United States” exception in the election law to avoid the “one year” requirement in the Illinois Municipal Code – which is why this Senator felt he needed to carve out a new exception for military personnel.

Does the fact that the Senator didn’t use the “business of the United States” language in his military exception mean he consciously meant to narrow the exception and exclude federal government employees like Emanuel? Or does it mean he simply wanted to add an exception for the military personnel in his district and didn’t give any thought to the “business of the United States” language in the election laws? (i.e. lazy drafting)

Or is it possible that the “business of the United States” in the election law exception was meant to apply to the one year requirement, which is why the municipal code takes the trouble to reference the “qualified elector” rule rather than simply saying the candidate has to be 18 or older and a U.S. Citizen?


To further its point, the majority attempts to determine the legislature’s meaning of the word “resided” as it was used in the Illinois Municipal Code by analyzing its use of the words “resides” and “resident” in the military exception. As you recall: the language of the Illinois Municipal Code was: “has resided in the municipality at least one year next preceding the election.” And the controversy is over what they mean by “resided.”

Does Emanuel’s owning of a home and intent to return suffice as “resided”? Not according to the majority’s reading.

The majority believes that “resident” was used in the exception to describe legal residency, whereas “resides” was used to refer to having a physical presence (especially given the Senator’s explanation.) The exception is broken down into three parts. I’ll paraphrase them, but use the words “reside” and “resident” in context:

1 – If a person is a resident of a municipality prior to active duty, and
2 – if that person resides outside the municipality during active duty, then 
3 – if that person returns to the municipality upon completion of duty, then the time during which the person resides outside the municipality is deemed to be time that the person was a resident of the municipality for purposes of this statute.

If the definition of “resided” in main provision of the Illinois Municipal Code (“has resided in the municipality at least one year”) can be derived from the way that “resides” is used in the military exception, then it means that the candidate must have an actual physical presence in the city for the year prior to his candidacy. (A flaw in this reasoning could be that the exception was drafted by a different legislature long after the original rule was written.)


Another consideration of the majority was the legislative intent of this – or any – “reside in” requirement. The majority cites a 1901 Illinois Supreme Court opinion stating that the “reside in” requirement exists to ensure “that those who represent local units of government shall themselves be component parts of such units.” It further states that the “reside in” requirements “can only be truly served by requiring such representatives to be and remain actual residents of the units which they represent… A mere constructive resident has no better opportunities for knowing the wants and rightful demands of his constituents, than a non-resident, and is as much beyond the wholesome influence of direct contact with them.”

No surprises there. The legislature just wants the representative of a district to actually live there so he/she has a stake in its well-being.


My Conclusion –

There certainly isn’t any doubt that Emanuel is from Chicago, cares about Chicago, and fully intended to return to Chicago upon completion of his service as White House Chief of Staff. So does that mean he should be allowed on the ballot because he complies with the spirit of the law? Would not allowing him on the ballot be nothing more than the strict application of a legal technicality?

It is difficult to argue that the Illinois Municipal Code’s residency requirement was written to keep candidates like Emanuel off the ballot. But for many, it is just as difficult to say that a Court should have the right to expand the interpretation of such a clearly written statute. (Although, that happens every day.)

I think the Supreme Court will overrule the Appellate Court’s decision, but it will be interesting to see how they do it. Will they cite the case law from the lower courts used in the dissent? Or will they simply set the precedent themselves and expand the definition of “resides in”? 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I got pulled over


I got pulled over last night on my way to the grocery store, which was especially annoying because people rarely get pulled over for traffic violations in Chicago. However, I felt a little better when I noticed a female police officer get out of the car and begin walking towards me.

“License and registration?” she asked when she reached my window.

“Sure, one sec.” I replied as I gave her a quick once-over.

I handed her my driver’s license and then slowly began to look in the glove compartment as I thought about how to seduce her into letting me go.

To buy some time, I asked, “Why did you pull me over?”

“You failed to make a complete stop at the stop sign and failed to signal before making a right turn.” She mechanically replied.

“Fair enough.” I said without looking up.

I found the registration and held it up for her. As she reached out to grab it, I quickly pulled it back and said, “How about this. How about instead of giving you my registration,” I looked down at my crotch and then back up at her and said, “I give you a little something else to peek at?”

She paused for a second to consider my proposition, and then asked, “How long?”

“Well, that depends. Sometimes it’s longer than others. I’m guessing it’ll be relatively short right now given the cold weather and the novelty of this situation. But you never know.”

“No, you idiot! I mean, how long do I get to look at it?”

“Oh, right. Of course. Umm, how about three seconds?”

She thought about it for a moment, and then countered, “How about five seconds?”

“Deal.”

I turned on the dome light, and then unbuttoned my pants and pulled down my underwear far enough to take out my penis. I noticed that my penis was especially limp so I pulled out my scrotum to compensate.

“Ok,” I said, “You can look now.”

She stuck her head in the window and looked down at it.

She stood there and stared at it for about five seconds without making any sounds or gestures. Then she nodded her head and handed back my license and said, “Nice doing business with you sir.”

Monday, January 10, 2011

doctors' office

(In a hospital bedroom. The patient is just waking up from surgery. The doctor walks in and grabs the patient’s file from the door.)

Doctor – Ah, you’re finally up. How are you feeling?

Patient – (still groggy, takes a deep breath) I don’t know, I feel kind of strange.

Doctor – Well, a little soreness is typical after a vasectomy. It’ll probably be a little tender for a couple of days. But don’t worry. Dr. Johnson is the best. You’ll be back to work on Monday.

Patient – You know what? I actually don’t feel sore at all, but I feel really strange.

Doctor – (Sits down and takes a look at the patient’s file) Ohhh.

Patient – What is it?

Doctor – (still reading the file) Oh God.

Patient – …

Doctor – (puts the file down.) Oh my dear God.

Patient – What is it??

Doctor –  (takes a deep breath) Someone… (he stutters)… someone must have accidentally checked the wrong box on your chart. And, and instead of getting a vasectomy… you were castrated.

Patient – WHAT THE FUCK??

Doctor – Listen, there aren’t words in the English language that can express my regret for the mix-up…

Patient – CASTRATED??? IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK FUCKING JOKE?? (he begins to weep)

Doctor – Listen, I know a great assisted suicide clinic. These guys do good work, trust me, you won’t feel a thing.


(At the assisted suicide clinic. The patient sits in front of a desk and talks to a doctor.)

Doctor – (He speaks slowly, and in an extremely gentle voice) We know that this is the toughest decision you’ll ever make. And I want you to know that it’s our goal to make this entire process as easy and painless for you and your family as we possibly can.

Patient – (silently nods his head)

Doctor – I know you’ve read all of our materials, but I’m going to go over the procedure one more time, just to make sure that you’re comfortable with everything.

Patient – (silently nods his head)

Doctor – First our anesthesiologist is will inject you with a sleeping agent called antamine, this will slowly put you into a very deep sleep.

Patient – (silently nods his head)

Doctor – Then he will inject a numbing agent into your torso, and then into each of your limbs in order to numb your entire body.

Patient – (silently nods his head)

Doctor – And then once we’ve got everything completely numb, we’ll chop your head off.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

In the news

I was at the Vatican today and heard the Pope say that the big bang was caused by God.

I raised my hand and asked, "Pope, how did God cause the big bang?"

The Pope calmly replied, "What do you think happens when God ejaculates?"

"Good point, Pope. So what about Mary?"

"She was just gazing at the sky one night and caught a shooting star in her haha."

"Haha?"

"What? Would you rather I said c*nt?"

...

Also, John Edwards has reportedly proposed to his former mistress -- and current baby's mother -- Rielle Hunter.

This is a complete departure from the public relations strategy he originally employed when news of his love-child with Hunter first broke. Many believe this new direction was suggested by his new PR firm,

As many will recall, when news of his love-child first broke, Edwards took the advice of his former PR firm and calmly told reporters, "Yes, Rielle Hunter is the mother of my child. However, I just want you to know that I never kissed her. I never actually kissed her."

...

Also, a 27-year-old Plainfield high school teacher has been charged with aggravated sexual abuse for having sex with a 16-year-old male student. The charge is punishable by three to seven years in prison.

So here's the question that every Will County resident is asking: How many of my hard earned tax dollars are going to be wasted on this case?

If there was some kind of quid pro quo -- "have sex with me or else I'll give you an F" -- type of thing going on, then we should prosecute the 27-year-old. But that's just not possible in this case! Maybe this isn't clear to the Will County Prosecutor, but,

A MAN'S DICK DOESN'T GET HARD LEST HE WANTS TO FUCK!

This was a 16-year-old high school student! Of course he wanted to fuck that teacher! Are you nuts? It was probably the best moment of his miserable teenage life. There's a 50/50 chance he tells his grandkids about this. And the 50% that he doesn't tell his grandkids is only on the chance that he doesn't have grandkids, or the grandkids are all girls. (He's probably not bragging to granddaughters about banging his high school gym teacher in the back seat of his car. Probably not.)

...

Also, kind of unrelated to the "news" theme of this post: I was sick on Tuesday, so I didn't eat anything during the day, and at night I ate what sick people are always told to eat: chicken noodle soup. It wasn't bad.

And then on Wednesday I had chicken noodle soup for lunch and dinner. Again, it wasn't bad.

And so this begs the obvious question: Why don't people just eat chicken noodle soup for every meal?

(ok, maybe that's not an "obvious" question)

...

If you enjoyed this post, please thank my agent. He called me this afternoon and suggested something along these lines.

Monday, January 03, 2011

New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

I'm not sure if I'm surprised, but this blog is now into its fifth year of life.

My New Year's resolution is to become more ambitious.

And it's already working!! For example, I initially wrote that last line like this:
My new year's resolution is to try to become more ambitious.
But then I thought to myself, "You know what? I am going to be more ambitious!" So I changed the sentence.

I don't know what I'm going to be ambitious about, I guess I'll worry about crossing that bridge when it comes.

...

Blogroll updates:

Reel Nerds -- I'm going start guest contributing on Reel Nerds. I think John does a great job. His movie reviews are as smart, thoughtful and well written as anything on the web, so I was flattered when he asked me to contribute. I didn't take him up at first because I didn't think I had much to add (plus I already don't have enough time to write 5% of the things I want to write.) But I've been watching more documentaries lately, and the Reel Nerds rarely comment on them, so as long as I can watch documentaries on my Netflix app and write reviews from work, I think I can make the occasional contribution. (See, I'm already being ambitious by trying to make more efficient use of my time at work.)

Who W.Y.D. (and Why) -- These contributers want to be anonymous. I think they can improve the format of this blog by posting pictures and allowing readers to vote. And maybe just posting the arguments they disagree on. We'll see...

Maggie's Photo Blog -- Maggie is a great young photographer, and this is her blog. And if you look carefully, you might find me on the blog. (and by "looking carefully" I mean just clicking on the link that I so graciously provided for you.)