I just got a job as Rahm Emanuel's deputy political advisor!

When asked by a local reporter, mayoral candidate Rahm Emanuel would not commit to sending his children to Chicago Public Schools if elected mayor.

"I'm going to make that decision with Amy as a parent," Emanuel said. "And I know very well, having met people throughout the city -- I'm not saying what I'm going to do. But it's a decision I'm going to make with my wife and my family. And that's how I'll make that decision. I think the people of the City of Chicago will appreciate that."

He rambled in that manner for almost a full minute. His inability to answer -- or even gracefully dodge -- the question was nothing short of embarrassing. And even more troubling was that it raised concerns about whether he could handle similar questions if elected mayor.

The Emanuels have 3 children, Zach, Ilana, and Leah, who are all school-age.

Opponent Gery Chico, who served as President of the Chicago School Board, attempted to take advantage of Emanuel's gaffe by pointing out that he personally attended CPS and that his kids did as well.

"There is something to be said for leading by example and having a personal stake in the system you seek to reform," Chico said. "I would never tell a parent what decision to make for their own child, but personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking parents of more than 400,000 public school students to do something I wouldn't do myself."

I first heard this story on Chicago public radio, and later saw that it was picked up by the local papers and TV stations.

What a terrible blunder by Emanuel. By answering the question the way he did, he opened the door for Chico make a self righteous comment and look good to undecided voters.

After reading this story, I contacted Rahm Emanuel's campaign manager Scott Fairchild and told him that I can do a better job of prepping Rahm for difficult questions. After taking a look at my resume, Fairchild immediately called me into his office for an interview.

After a long interview with Fairchild, I met with Emanuel, and when our conversation ended, Emanuel stood up and extended his hand. As we shook, he said, "Cyrus, I'd like you to be my deputy political advisor."

I gladly accepted the offer.

My first order of business was for Rahm to make up for his public schools gaffe. I immediately arranged a press conference and paid a reporter $5 to ask Rahm whether he planned on sending his kids to a Chicago public school.

After Rahm had fielded a few questions, my reporter stood up and asked, "Mr. Emanuel, if you are elected Mayor, do you plan on sending your kids to Chicago public schools?"

Rahm smiled and looked down at him and said, "That's a good question, and I think it's a question that needs to be addressed because Gery Chico is insinuating that I am unfit to be Mayor because I send my children to private school."

Then Rahm looked up into the cameras and said, "Gery, one of the reasons I'm taking this job is because I want to fix Chicago's public schools. Right now, Chicago public schools are in terrible shape, and they've been this way for a long time -- I know it, you know it, and everyone in this great city knows it. One of my primary goals as Mayor will be to improve the quality of Chicago public schools -- improve them to a point where a man of my financial stature would consider sending his children to a Chicago public school. Because frankly, as things stand today, guys like me aren't sending their kids to Chicago public schools."

"And here's a question for you Gery: since when has the Mayor of a city been required to live like its poorest citizens? What's next? Do you want me to move into public housing projects? Should I fire my driver and start taking buses to work with the heathens? Should I start shopping at Aldi? Should I make my wife get a job cleaning houses?"

"Gery, I don't see why a leader needs to have a personal stake in the system he seeks to reform. I'd like to improve Chicago's homeless shelters; does that mean I have to live in one? President Obama supports the war in Afghanistan, but do you think he's going to make Malia join an Army infantry platoon after she graduates from high school?"

"And let me tell you something Gery, the irony is that I shouldn't expect a guy like you to understand any of this -- or any of the other complex issues facing our city -- because after all, you're a product of these shitty public schools. They haven't prepared you for the rigors of an intellectual life. And you haven't had enough success in your 25 years in the private sector to afford to send your children to private schools. Whereas I went to a good public school on the North Shore, and earned enough money in two years of private sector work to send my children to private school."

"You know what? I've had enough of politicians constantly pandering to the middle class and saying that they want to 'preserve' our middle class. I'm sick and tired of hearing about 'middle class this' and 'middle class that.' What about the upper class? What about our forgotten upper class? Our founding father's weren't middle class, and neither am I. And that's why I plan on lifting the citizens of this great city into America's upper class!"

The room full of reporters broke into a wild applause and standing ovation.

"Thank you, thank you." Emanuel said with his arms extended in the air and flashing peace signs.

...

This morning I received a call from Gery Chico's campaign manager, the conversation went like this:

Me -- Hello?

Caller -- Name your price.

Me -- What?

Caller -- You heard me.

Me -- Who is this?

Caller -- You know who this is.

Fiber One Update

If anyone is looking for some Fiber One bars -- I've got seven that I'm looking to get rid of.


I ate one on Monday morning, and my stomach felt uncomfortable almost immediately.

I wouldn't call what I had "diarrhea", but I certainly wouldn't call it regular. And I can't remember the last time I had so much gas and stomach discomfort.

It didn't help that I was at work -- where I share an office-space the size of a walk-in closet with two people. There were definitely times when I had to stop a conversation mid-sentence and quickly go to the bathroom. There were also times when I had to stop a conversation mid-sentence and quickly leave the room just to fart.

(I used the voice recorder on my phone to record some of my farts if anyone is interested.)

(And as far as taste was concerned: I couldn't tell the difference between the two brands.)

(And if anyone is looking for more info on the effects of Fiber One bars, please read Millis' comment on the post below.)

So I think the Fiber experiment is over.

Marketing is extremely sophisticated.

I can't even imagine the ingenious -- and borderline-diabolical -- methods that companies employ to sell their products. But I came across something this weekend that took marketing to a new level.

I care about shitting, and I care about people who care about shitting, so Thursday night I found myself listening carefully as a friend raved about the magic of Fiber One bars. He strongly recommended them and claimed they've made his dumps bigger and harder than ever. 

So when Cindy and I went to the grocery Sunday night, my primary objective was to find a box of Fiber One bars. At first, I wasn't even sure where to find them. My initial instinct was to check the cereal and granola bar aisle, but given the way my friend described the bar's effects, I thought it was just as likely I'd find them in the Pharmacy aisle with the medicine.

My first instinct turned out to be right. I found the Fiber One bars next to the granola bars. They came in a variety of flavors, so picked up a box of oats and peanut butter flavored bars and began reading:

"35% of Daily Value of Fiber" (I was hoping for 100%, or maybe 200%, or anything that would be big increase from whatever I was already getting so I could expect -- or fear -- dramatic results. I wanted shits so hard and massive that I'd be afraid of shattering a toilet every time I sat down on one.)

Next I looked at Nutrition Facts on the side of the box:

"Dietary Fiber - 9g" (Nine grams didn't sound like much, so I checked the nutritional value of the granola bars I normally buy and saw that they only had two or three grams each.)

Ingredients included: High Maltose Corn Syrup, Glycerin, Tricalcium Phosphate, Partially Defatted Peanut Flour, Mixed Tocopherols. (I expected to see a bunch of weird ingredients, so I wasn't surprised by that, however I was surprised by what was written under the ingredients:)

"Contains Peanut, Milk, Soy; May Contain Almond, Sunflower and Wheat Ingredients." (May Contain? They don't know? How is that possible? Why not just say that it does contain Almond, Sunflower and Wheat Ingredients so that customers aren't scared off by seeing that manufacturers aren't even sure what's in the bar??)

Regardless, I was buying the bars. I just had to decide on a flavor. Most of the flavors had some sort of chocolate, and I didn't like the idea of chocolate in the morning, so I just stuck with Oats and Peanut Butter. 

As I took one last look to make sure I hadn't missed any flavors, I noticed a section of bars made by a different company called "Fiber Plus." These were Fiber One's competition; the boxes for the two bars looked almost identical.

Both were the same size. 

Both contained five bars. 

Both prominently displayed the word Fiber.

Both claimed their bar provided 35% of the daily recommended fiber intake.

Both showed pictures of the bars -- in virtually identical poses. And the bars themselves looked almost identical -- down to the gooey strands hanging between the broken pieces.

Which was I supposed to buy?

I noticed that Fiber Plus bars had two extra selling points. 

First -- and less effective -- was that Fiber Plus claimed their bars were "Rich in Antioxidants, Vitamin E and Zinc." I don't know what that means -- except that pennies are made out of Zinc -- so it didn't have much affect on me.

But when I read Fiber Plus's most direct and most effective sales technique -- featured prominently on the top right corner of the box -- I felt like I had no choice

"Tastes Better than Fiber One!"

Simple as that.


I bought a box of each.

This is terrible

This is terrible. I shouldn't even post this.

But I've got blogger open and I can't resist.

I just logged onto Facebook because a friend is throwing his wife a surprise birthday party on Saturday and he sent out the invitation through Facebook. (I don't think she knows about my blog, but if she does,, sorry Jaclyn. Surprise!) (And it says a lot about Facebook that my friend would send an invite for an event using Facebook instead of e-mail.) Anyway, he wrote on the invitation that he's having the party at Rockit, so I wanted to ask whether it was at the Rockit in Lakeview or at douche-bag central in River North. But I didn't get that far because when I logged on, I noticed a newsfeed at the top of my screen from my friend Marena that said,  My friend Glenn passed away yesterday :(

The first person commented with,  Sorry to hear Marena :(

Three others commented with,  :(

And I couldn't help but wonder what the reaction would be if someone clicked that they "like" Marena's comment.

My friend Glenn passed away yesterday :(

Cyrus Irani likes this.

(Man, I told you that was terrible.)

Rest in Peace Glenn.

random stuff about TV (and requisite tangents)

One bonus of staying with my parents over Thanksgiving was having access to their cable tv.

I watched an interview with Sarah Palin, and it really made me feel sorry for her. It seems like she's in way over her head. In addition to her obvious deficiencies, remember when her 17 year-old daughter (Bristol) got pregnant out of wedlock during the 2008 campaign?

That couldn't have sat well with Palin's conservative base. And just imagine how her advisors took the news.

Here's a serious question: Upon learning that 17 year-old Bristol Palin was pregnant out of wedlock, what percentage of Sarah Palin's advisors wanted to spin the story by claiming that Bristol's Palin's child had been immaculately conceived?

(25%?)

(40%?)

...

I watched part of a Science Channel program about the Earth's atmosphere, and it made me want to learn about chemistry. I watch Planet Earth all the time and it makes me want to learn about biology.

Maybe high school science classes should be taught with the goal of simply sparking a student's interest in science -- as opposed to going in-depth. (Memorizing the periodic table meant nothing to me.) It didn't seem like we spent enough time learning about how the different fields of science can teach us about the world around us.

Teachers should save the details for college. High school science should be more fun.

...

I saw a bunch of Blockbuster video commercials that went like this: First, customers were told they had to wait 28 days for a table at a restaurant, then other customers were told they had to wait 28 days for a delayed flight, and then the punch-line: "You wouldn't wait 28 days for a table, so why wait 28 days to watch a newly released movie? Blockbuster gets new releases 28 days before Netflix and Redbox. So why wait?"

Are people that impatient?

A Netflix subscriber has access to practically every movie ever made, so they can probably find something to watch during those 28 days. I watched Annie Hall on Netflix for the first time last week (and it came out 33 years ago.) There's plenty of stuff to hold people over for 28 measly days.

I hope Blockbuster can find a better advantage to emphasize.

If you really want to feel like you're being patronized, watch the commercials during a football game. You'd think that all American men want to drive big powerful trucks and drink light beer.

I wonder what marketing works on me.

(How about the two colons in the first sentence of this section?)

...

I'm a snob.

For a man who's accomplished nothing in his life, I'm incredibly arrogant.

I'm almost unbelievably arrogant.

It's really pretty funny.

...

My favorite feature on my parent's cable is the ability to rewind and slow down what I just watched.

My second favorite feature is On-Demand.

And it's crazy how you can just record a show and save it on your cable box!

How do people with cable get anything done?

...

I think that the Blockbuster commercial really stuck out for me because I've become borderline obsessed with the Netflix app on my phone. (I watched a few movies on it last week.)

Quick notes on a few documentaries in case you're in the mood for one:

No End in Sight: About the war in Iraq, I recommend it. The thesis is unique in the sense that it doesn't argue that sending troops into Iraq to overthrow Saddam Hussein was terrible idea, rather it shows how poorly every aspect of the invasion was handled.

I'd recommend it over documentaries like War Made Easy and Fahrenheit 911, because it doesn't necessarily portray the administration as unimaginably corrupt and evil, it simply portrays them as being extremely incompetent and stupid (and imaginably corrupt.)

(Why We Fight is also a good war documentary)

South of the Border is short series of interviews with Socialist leaders of South American countries. I don't know how socialist governments actually work -- is the line drawn at land ownership? is Denmark considered socialist? -- but whether you agree with it or not, the film demonstrates that Socialism is a growing movement in South America.

Other docs I highly recommend:

Cocaine Cowboys -- about the role of cocaine in building Miami's economy (interesting economics lesson, plus lots of drug smuggling/war stories)
Tyson -- about Mike Tyson
American Pimp -- about urban pimps
Bigger, Stronger, Faster -- about steroid use in America (but also a cultural commentary)
Deep Water -- about a relatively novice sailor who enters a competition to sail around the world
Food Inc. -- about the perils of industrial agriculture

...

New addition to the blogroll: I just learned that my friend's dad has a blog, and it's pretty good. He's a longtime newsman (I think he's the best newsman in the city, this is his show) and you can tell he's an experienced newsman because his blog entries are very short and well written, and they touch on random topics of interest.

(again about me being a snob: I'M CALLING HIM THE BEST NEWSMAN IN THE CITY, AND THEN IN THE SAME SENTENCE I HAVE THE NERVE TO ASSURE MY READERS THAT HIS POSTS ARE "WELL WRITTEN")

(NO SHIT!! OF COURSE THEY'RE WELL WRITTEN!!)

WHO AM I TO COMMENT ON THE QUALITY OF PHIL PONCE'S WRITING????????

I'd probably get down on my knees and beg him for any kind of job on his show (except for cleaning bathrooms) (but I'd bring him coffee and pick up his dry-cleaning and do that sort of stuff) (shining his shoes and giving him massages is probably around the area where I'd consider drawing the line) and yet here I am, assuring people who can sit through my blog, that this man -- who is nothing less than a Chicago journalism icon -- has blog posts that are "well written"

Man, I might need to check into some kind of arrogance therapy. Is there such a thing arrogance management classes? 

Am I just an asshole?

Is it that simple?

...

Serious suggestion:

A female co-worker (Ena) was going on today about how she wants to take part in a program that uses female volunteers to hold orphaned children. She was very eager to do this.

And at that moment it struck me what women should do if they really want to help out the less fortunate.

If a woman truly wants to help the less fortunate, she should take off her clothes and dance for them.

I know, I know, trust me, I know how that sounds.

But what would bring a bigger smile to a homeless man's face than a woman's bare ass shaking in front of it?

Listen, I know that this idea couldn't be less politically correct, and I know it's probably not going to change the course of these homeless men's lives, but you've gotta admit, it'll probably be something that they'll never forget.

Maybe we can make it a charity that collects money and then hires professional strippers to dance for homeless men (and women).

("Maybe we can make it a charity..."  apparently you're in this with me.)

...

If you're in the mood to read about something fucked up

...

It's getting late and I want to go to sleep, but I really don't want to end this post with that "If you're in the mood to read about something fucked up" section.