I got an e-mail today from Illinois Skills match. Remember this post?
The e-mail informed me that my account had been inactive for a month, so I should log in again and look for jobs. I logged in, and immediately saw a message for me on the front page, in big red letters.
NEW JOB SINCE YOUR LAST LOGIN, CLICK HERE!
Ok, I'll give it one more chance, who knows, maybe they found something for me. Here's the new job:
Job Title: Assistant Professor of New Testament
Location: Chicago, IL
Hours per Week: 36-40
Salary Range: $50,000-$70,000
Education Necessary: PhD
Additional Information: Ph.D in New Testament with dissertation in Pauline Studies required. Prior experience must include performing research in New Testament and Pauline studies specializing in diversity, difference and power relations; assisting in teaching a graduate level class in the New Testament; serving in a leadership role in a local congregation.
Is this a joke? I'm serious. Is someone playing a joke on me? Is someone going to walk through my front door and point out the hidden cameras?
The New Testament? I honestly don't even know what the New Testament is. If someone put a gun to my head, I'd guess that it was the second edition of the Bible. (wikipedia says that it's the second half of the Christian Bible, so I guess i'd be in trouble, but maybe I could argue)
I interviewed for a job with a personal injury lawyer yesterday. He is looking for someone with more experience than I have, but for some reason he called me in anyway. I waited in the lobby for 10 minutes after arriving at his office. When he came out to greet me, the first thing he said was, "What's the good word?"
Can someone please tell me how I am supposed to respond that?
(Cindy thinks it might have some religious undertones.)
Am I supposed to say a word? One word describing my current state of mind?
After he asked me that, I thought about saying, "Ok, you know what, thanks, but no thanks." And walking out.
But I didn't. I just picked up my coat and bag, and thought to myself, "How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that?" After an awkward silence, looked down at my bag and said, "It's good to be here."
"What's the good word?" Should I have responded, "I don't know, what is the good word?"
Why doesn't he just ask me a real question, like, "What side does your cock hang?" And I could have just looked him dead in the eye and said, "slightly to the left."
The interview seemed like a waste. He was looking for someone with experience in a certain type of law. I don't have it. And he was really hung up on that.
It's not like my resume is deceptive, I even said in my e-mail to him that I didn't have any experience, but I am a relatively quick learner. I don't understand what he was thinking when he called me in for the interview. Was he thinking that maybe I did have experience in that type of law, but simply forgot to put it on my resume... the resume I sent him,, for that particular job? And I was just kidding about not having any experience in my e-mail?
So either I don't have experience, or I'm an idiot with experience?
Cindy and I went to the Field Museum this weekend. It's kind of crazy because several exhibits are decades old, so some of the taxidermied animals on display have since become endangered (not sure if "taxidermied" is a word.) There is a display with several stuffed Polar Bears and their cubs. Next to them, there's a sign explaining that these animals weren't extinct when they were killed.
Anyway, seeing the animal exhibit gave me an idea for a reality show. Battle of the Animals.
What if you took one of a bunch of different animals, put them on a small island, and had them duke it out to see who survives? (mild, "winter in San Diego" type climate) Who wins that battle? Lion? Elephant? Rhino? Grizzly Bear? Tiger? Crocodile? Hippo? Maybe a Monkey goes out there and figures things out? Is there a Wolf out there who can hold his own with the big boys? A poisonous snake?
I think my money goes on the Rhino.
I guess it's not a real idea for a "show." It's not like it's going to get made and put on TV for kids to watch (although that is funny to think about.) But it's a discussion topic. Is it even that? the more I think about it, the more I think the Rhino would just go out there and steamroll everyone.
That Rhino could probably take out a man in a small car.
Anyone wanna set the odds in that battle? (I'm talking to you Dirk)
19 comments:
Hippo wins. They are huge, man. And fast, and aquatic, and they have gigantic mouths and enormous teeth, and are extremely territorial and aggressive.
There was a show like this once on the Discovery channel I think. Where they would build machine models of different animals and perform tests and hypothesize how the fight would turn out, and then they would do a computer animation of the fight.
Crocodile v. Polar Bear
Tiger v. Bear
Sabertooth Tiger v. Ancient Monster Sloth
etc, etc.
It was a pretty awesome show.
my money is on a fire breathing dragon...rhino stands no chance. If you don't think dragons exist, call any chinese restaraunt and order a dish called 'dragon phoenix', they bring you a meat dish......
d
i think a first round monkey vs. snake would be the most interesting matchup. winner meeting the winner of the elephant/grizzly bear match in round 2.
yeah, i like the rhino. i mean its basically a goddamn dinosaur, right?
as for the good word -
you should have stopped, looked around, set down your briefcase, leaned over to his ear, and quietly said "pussy" with a smile on your face.
mPconnors
This has nothing to do with animals fighting, but since the fantasy football board is down, I had to post this update somewhere. This is for Connors and Laydon
http://www.startribune.com/local/15801317.html
Hippos have big mouths, but Rhino's have those huge horns.
As Connors asks, is the rhino the closest thing we've got to a dinosaur? they look like it.
Dinosaurs were reptiles, so maybe we've gotta add crocodiles to that discussion.
I guess if fire breathing dragons can fly, they'd be tough.
Another animal I forgot about is the Walrus. I was watching Planet Earth, and they showed a clip of a Polar Bear trying to eat a Walrus, but he couldn't do it. The Walrus' skin was too thick, and before the Polar Bear could penetrate it, the Walrus would stab him with it's tusks. Eventually the Polar Bear died from one of the stab wounds.
Millis - I like the news story, makes it even better that they upheld the conviction on procedural grounds. "He rather convincingly contends that animal means a living creature." A dead deer! That should be the next show on NBC, "How to catch a necrophiliac, who's also into beastiality"
"what's the good word you ask? Pussy. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same."
that shit about the deer is bullshit. find me a victim!! $250 reward if somebody can find me a victim there.
i didn't mean to leave that last post anonymous. i'll gladly say it should be legal to have sex with a dead animal. i'll scream it from the mountaintops.
is it worse than sex with a blow-up doll? millis, is it? (and i don't mean is the sex actually worse, i mean is it morally worse, is there any extra suffering)
michael connors
is there a school of thought that the deer's family will suffer emotional distress caused by the ill treatment of the carcass?
and thank you Connors for writing the funniest shit in the short history of this blog
"find me a victim!!"
I don't know what is better: the fact that Connors so emphatically believes in the right to fuck dead animals that he would "scream it from the mountaintop" or that he and I check Cyrus's blog multiple times a day.
In response to Connor's question, yes. It is morally worse to fuck a dead deer carcass. We all know that there need not be a "victim" to be a crime (i.e., possession of pot). If having a sack of weed and smoking it in the privacy of your own home is a crime, then fucking a dead deer on the side of the road damn well better be.
Liked the shooter post. I'm getting my concealed before the end of March.
As far as the animal fight goes, you'll have to set the rules with a bit more specificity. To make them fight, do you stick them in a pen together until one dies (possibly days later)? Do you hook electric current up to them to get them agitated? Getting a grass eater to continually attack another grass eater is no easy feat. Some animals are naturally meaner, but if both animals are artificially induced to kill, you won't be able to count on meanness to win--e.g. Wolverine killing a 'gator.
King cobra can kill anything it bites. But I don't know how you make a hippo or an elephant attack a King cobra.
BH is right about the Hippo being the meanest killer (of men) on this planet.
If you really want a lizard, get the Kimoto Dragonn out there. Their saliva is filled with deadly bacteria. They are pretty quick movers for short distances.
Crocks are worthless out of the water. Their advantage is the grab and roll at the bottom of the pond.
And if you decide to have a second water bracket or mixed terrain, you can't forget about a full-sized Great White. They are nature's killing machine.
But for every Great White, there is a whale-attacking giant squid with a razor-sharp beak. Eight arms o' super suction power means that the opponent will be hard pressed to shake a well-placed grip.
If there is a water portion, hippo has the best chance of success against the natural water beasts.
The claws of big cats cannot penetrate the tougher hides of adult male elephants. I don't think they could get that throat chomp to crush the breather either.
Big bears are tough, but they don't even have claws as sharp as the big cats. Their natural advantage is mass, but not against the elephant/hippo/rhino. In fact, an adult giraffe is virtually immune to predation because it can kill with a single kick.
Rhino is tough, but one horn vs. the larger male elephant with two tusks and a prehensile nose does not an odds-on favorite make.
Are we saying it is a random bracket? Because crazy things can come out of a randomized bracket. Do the injuries of the victor carry over or is a healthy class representative animal put in each fight?
Remember, just because an animal's jaws could crush a skull/windpipe/backbone, it doesn't mean that animal can get into position to do damage before taking a limiting or lethal injury.
No water-only animals, same animal has to fight up through the bracket without medical attention, and you can artificially cause each to aggressively attack seeding:
1) Elephant. Durability meets power and mass plus dual weapons. Even injured, it could continue on at near maximum lethality. 4-1.
2) King cobra. If it can get one bite and then avoid trampling until the opponent dies, nobody can beat this guy. I put the elephant ahead, because it has the best chance of surviving a couple of direct hits and potentially could use a branch to crush the snake without injury. 10-1.
3) Hippo. Especially if there is a pond to keep the crock competitive. Hippo is fucking mean, and it too might survive one hit from a King.
4) Rhino. Horn, size, meanness. It has the package, just not the max stats across the board. 12-1
5) Polar bear a week before the spring ice melt. Biggest of the bears at maximum weight. Tough haul against the bigger, tough-skinned Africa plant eaters. 17-1. 14-1 if protecting cubs.
Bonus odds:
Dead animals Connors has potentially had sex with:
Deer, 3-1
Dog--roadkill, 8-1
Dog--family pet, 4-1
Possum, 13-1
Raccoon, 5-1
Cow--hunting accident, 10-1
Cow--post-slaughterhouse, OFF THE BOARD
Tundra Pig--post-car crash, even money
Pike, 25-1
Big Mouth Bass, 33-1
Small Mouth Bass, even money
Gerbil--dead prior to entry, 44-1
Gerbil--died internally, 12-1
DP
loved the comment, exactly what I wanted! Artificial aggression, no medical attention, I like it.
and just when I thought it couldn't get any better:
Big Mouth Bass, 33-1
Small Mouth Bass, even money
The show would be good with a man as well. They're animals.
They definitely wouldn't be the favorite, but would make the show much more interesting to watch.
"Getting a grass eater to continually attack another grass eater is no easy feat."
if you didn't know this was a dirk post before this sentence, you knew after.
"The claws of big cats cannot penetrate the tougher hides of adult male elephants"
what dirk??? you know what a big cat's claw can penetrate? are you cocksucking kidding me? what about adult female elephants, can they puncture those?
"In fact, an adult giraffe is virtually immune to predation because it can kill with a single kick."
good lord.
"Polar bear a week before the spring ice melt. Biggest of the bears at maximum weight."
i guess because they hunt seals in winter and have to make them last through summer? but c'mon dirk, where is this coming from?
millis:
there needs to be a victim for there to be crime, in my opinion. i'm saying both pot and dead animal sex should be legal. just because society something is currently a crime doesn't mean it should be (see sodomy laws in georgia). and all i'm saying is that should be legal.
now some would say allowing this would lead to animals being killed just for the sex. we could then say no killing just for sex. but it raises an interesting idea. we would then be allowing killing just for the sake of killing (for sport) but we wouldn't allow killing if it had an additional benefit, sex with the dead animal. that's like sayin you can kill the animal, but you can't can't kill it if you are then going to eat it. you can either leave it there to rot, or hang it on the wall, but you are sure as shit not going to put that carcass to a good use.
that ties into another weird concept, we can kill an animal and eat its beating heart if we want, rip apart its flesh and cook it and eat, conceivably fill up the carcass with dynamite and blow it up, wear its skin to keep warm, etc., but we can't have a little sex with it? does that really seem right?
I assume that is a Connors rant, but it could also be Von H.
Re: big cats claws vs. elephant/rhino--Would they bounce of harmlessly? probably not, but there is not enough length and the right kind of motion to open up the big animal in a meaningful way. The big cats claws aren't for killing, they are for grasping. They kill and rip apart their prey with the teeth. In the kind of fight we are talking about, the claws might inflict flesh wounds, but not hurt the elephant in a meaningful way. I say an adult male, because they are the largest representative of their species. Female elephants are big, but the males are going to be bigger.
Re: fucking the roadkill--I think, like all "no victim" crimes, the idea is "don't do it where the rest of us can see it". Light that pipe in the privacy of your own house, but don't sit on the park bench and puff on your reefer in front of the kids. Same with fucking the animals (dead or alive). The guy would have been just fine if he had shut the fuck up and not told anybody. So maybe the crime should be "don't let anybody know you're fucking dead animals". Just like prostitution, it wouldn't be illegal if there weren't other societal problems associated with it. And just like prostitution, if you shut the fuck up, nobody is the wiser. Call-in, don't take your shopping-for-hookers act on the street, and the police won't care or care to know.
Does fucking ground beef count? How about a stuffed animal head hanging on the wall of some cabin? What about fucking an uncooked egg? What if you severed a part from an animal, such that the original animal lives on in a maimed state, and you just fucked that severed part of the animal? What if the animal is "brain-dead", but hooked up to a respirator like a coma patient? What if you just jerk off looking at a dead animal?
The law is unclear, and we need Minnesota and Wisconsin to show us the way.
DP
Would fucking a fossil count as dead-animal sex or rock sex?
Where does a velociraptor fit into this? Dirk, care to analyze?
Do you think a dead animal fucker typically fucks dead animals because he can't fuck live ones (but aspires to do so), or do they usually start with live animals and progress to dead ones? I can envision situations where bestiality is more gratifying to the pervert than necro-beastiality (I coined that term, I'm not proud) and vice-versa. Millis probably knows. When I've got an animal fighting question, I go to Dirk, when I've got a deviant sex act question, I go to Millis.
I think a guy who fucks dead animals is one who was bitten or kicked in the balls once too often by his sex partner.
DP
Per Al's req:
If you had just one of the Jurassic Park (the movie, not the actual historical time frame) raptors (actually Deinonychus, not Velociraptor--which was smaller) to put into the animal fighting bracket, It would not make the top 5 seeding.
The mass is only about that of a human. The damage capacity of its teeth/jaw structure is greater than similar sized animals, but the lack of mass means that it can be trampled or overcome in a scrum. I don't know how much king cobra venom it could handle, but assuming its human-esque size, it probably dies just as quickly as we would.
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