reaction

I cannot imagine the force that drives a man to walk into a lecture hall full of students and shoot them indiscriminately. I guess it's most frightening to know that there is a perfectly logical explanation.

This post is for any potential shooter out there. If you're down in the dumps, depressed, past the point of no return and thinking about shooting up a school, here are a few alternatives to consider:

1) Pick a bottleneck point on a busy expressway in the city nearest you and wait for the evening commute. Park your car lengthwise across the lanes, throw your keys into woods, and shoot yourself in the head. You won’t kill any innocent people, but you’ll certainly inconvenience a lot of them. And that’s something to be proud of, isn’t it? People will probably miss flights, dinner reservations, meetings, sexual rendezvous, etc.

2) Buy a Super Bowl ticket. Wait in your seat until immediately after the opening kickoff, then run out to the 50 yard line and cut your throat. That way, no one else gets hurt and you still get your exposure.

3) Kill your parents. Fuck it, if you’re gonna kill someone, it might as well it be the ones who brought you into this world. If you shoot up a school, your parents will probably wish they were dead anyway. So if you’re planning to kill, you might as well kill them and save them the heartache.

4) You’ve already got guns, so invest $20 in a ski mask and go rob a bank. Worst case scenario, you get killed in a shootout trying to escape. Best case, you make it into Mexico and the $100k helps you figure shit out.

5) Get as many credit cards as you can, take as many cash advances on those credit cards as you can and go to Vegas. Spend 70% of your money on drugs. Heroin, Meth, Crack, Peyote, Acid, and the hardest prescription stuff. Take the remaining 30% to the strip clubs, and have some fucking fun for once in your life. It’s probably a lot more fun to die of a heart attack while sniffing cocaine off a stripper’s ass than whatever bullshit you have in mind.

6) Get yourself on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange and slit your wrists. Disrupt the markets for a couple hours, piss off the right people.

7) Fuck it, join Al Qaeda. At least you’ll have some purpose in your life

8) Kill yourself in an interesting way. See how much the body can take. Put yourself in an oven and turn it up to 350. Or put yourself in a microwave. Or a washer, then a dryer. Cut off your dick, see how much it hurts. Then cut off your testicles and compare to find out which one is worse. Go to a zoo, strip naked, jump into a tiger exhibit and see how long you can hold your own with them. Pick a fight with an ultimate fighter, or just make serious moves on his girlfriend in a nightclub,,, and when he comes at you, pull out a knife.

9) There’s a big wave off the coast of Maui (Peahi) called Jaws. It is the biggest wave in surfing, yet no one has ever died surfing it. (that is because to get to the wave, a surfer must be towed to the outer reef by a jetski) Take a few surfing lessons, pay someone to tow you out there during a big set, and get yourself killed riding a 50 foot wave. You’ll be a surfing legend.

10) Come out of the closet. It's 2008, seriously, nobody cares! It's cooler to be gay than to not be gay. (in some states)

11) Start a website and ask all other potential school shooters to sign up. Take all of the shooters, go to a paintball field and fight it out,, with live ammunition. Last man standing wins. And the winner gets to kill himself.

12) Go skydiving and don’t release your parachute. Have someone videotape it and put it on youtube.

13) Start getting into Viagra. (Scrap the whole suicide plan and just start getting into Viagra.)

to the families and friends of the victims, my prayers are with you.