1/20

To make a long story short (and then inevitably long again) I registered for unemployment on Friday. Shortly after, the local news reported that unemployment in Illinois had just reached 5%.

One of the requirements of being on unemployment is that I continue to search for a job. The State even requires us to sign up for a job search website it sponsors called Illinois Skills Match. (“us”)

That’s cool, I can certainly use all of the help I can get, so I signed up. After logging on to Skills Match, I saw that they ask for quite a bit of information: the schools I’ve attended, degrees I’ve received, employment history, and ALL of the skills I have (hence the title “skills match” I guess.) After filling out the information, I can click on the “My Jobs” link to view a list of jobs that match my profile information.

I entered all of my skills, plus the amount of time I have been proficient in each. I finally finished and eagerly clicked on the “My Jobs” link. The result was a table listing four jobs. I was happy to see four,,,, it only takes one…

Here are the four jobs that were listed for me:

Physician – Internal Medicine; Chicago, IL; Salary - $100,000-140,000
Research Economist; Mexico City, Mexico; Salary and Benefits Competitive
Chair of Department of Economics; Chengdu, China; Salary RMB 400,000-500,000 (~$60k)
Assistant/Associate/Full Professor; Lahore, Pakistan; Salary $50,000-70,000

I clicked on the Physician job first. They’re looking for a fucking surgeon. If they were looking for a pediatrician, maybe I could bullshit my way through a couple of days before people caught on.

“So I see you have _______ (insert symptoms,) ok. I’m going to prescribe some penicillin. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids, and get some rest. If the symptoms don’t go away in a week, come back next ______ (insert my day off.)”

maybe I shouldn't assume that I'd go in there and get the job

I went to the theater the other night, and in the middle of the show, an elderly man had a heart attack. His wife started screaming, “Is there a doctor in the house?”

I quickly ran over to her and replied, “I am a doctor, of jurisprudence. Do you want me to take a look at him?”

She told me to go fuck myself.

I replied, “I’m sorry, but you’re the one who asked if there was a doctor in the house. Maybe you needed me to draw up a will, or sue the theater. Or maybe we can get ambitious and sue the filmmakers.”

I skipped over the Mexico City job. I'm not ready to live there.

“Chair of Department of Economics.” CHAIR!!! I got an A in honors Macroeconomics in college. And a B+ in honors Micro. (should have had an A, but I wrote my final paper on the wrong subject. It was still a good paper, but the professor gave me a 40% because it was on the wrong topic.) I approached the professor after class and said, “Yes, I know that this paper was on the wrong topic. I’m not disagreeing with you on that. But it’s a good paper. Does it not demonstrate my aptitude?”

He replied, “Yes, but it is on the wrong topic, you have to be able to follow directions. I could have given you a Zero.”

I then replied, “Oh, I’m sorry, there must be a mistake on my schedule, because for Tuesdays and Thursdays from 11-12:15 it says that I am enrolled in ‘Econ 261H’, not ‘Following Directions 101.’” And I walked out.

Now that I think about it, I probably could have got the A had I taken that argument seriously.

Regardless, can I put that on my resume and become the next Chair of the Department of Economics the University of Chengdu?

And finally, I guess if I had to go to Pakistan, Lahore would definitely be my first choice of cities. But I’m only 28, some adventure wouldn’t hurt me, maybe I’d say “fuck it” and hole up in Islamabad for a couple of years before settling in Lahore.