harmony

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2/20

I got an e-mail today from Illinois Skills match. Remember this post?

The e-mail informed me that my account had been inactive for a month, so I should log in again and look for jobs. I logged in, and immediately saw a message for me on the front page, in big red letters.

NEW JOB SINCE YOUR LAST LOGIN, CLICK HERE!

Ok, I'll give it one more chance, who knows, maybe they found something for me. Here's the new job:

Job Title: Assistant Professor of New Testament
Location: Chicago, IL
Hours per Week: 36-40
Salary Range: $50,000-$70,000
Education Necessary: PhD
Additional Information: Ph.D in New Testament with dissertation in Pauline Studies required. Prior experience must include performing research in New Testament and Pauline studies specializing in diversity, difference and power relations; assisting in teaching a graduate level class in the New Testament; serving in a leadership role in a local congregation.

Is this a joke? I'm serious. Is someone playing a joke on me? Is someone going to walk through my front door and point out the hidden cameras?

The New Testament? I honestly don't even know what the New Testament is. If someone put a gun to my head, I'd guess that it was the second edition of the Bible. (wikipedia says that it's the second half of the Christian Bible, so I guess i'd be in trouble, but maybe I could argue)


I interviewed for a job with a personal injury lawyer yesterday. He is looking for someone with more experience than I have, but for some reason he called me in anyway. I waited in the lobby for 10 minutes after arriving at his office. When he came out to greet me, the first thing he said was, "What's the good word?"

Can someone please tell me how I am supposed to respond that?

(Cindy thinks it might have some religious undertones.)

Am I supposed to say a word? One word describing my current state of mind?

After he asked me that, I thought about saying, "Ok, you know what, thanks, but no thanks." And walking out.

But I didn't. I just picked up my coat and bag, and thought to myself, "How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that?" After an awkward silence, looked down at my bag and said, "It's good to be here."

"What's the good word?" Should I have responded, "I don't know, what is the good word?"

Why doesn't he just ask me a real question, like, "What side does your cock hang?" And I could have just looked him dead in the eye and said, "slightly to the left."

The interview seemed like a waste. He was looking for someone with experience in a certain type of law. I don't have it. And he was really hung up on that.

It's not like my resume is deceptive, I even said in my e-mail to him that I didn't have any experience, but I am a relatively quick learner. I don't understand what he was thinking when he called me in for the interview. Was he thinking that maybe I did have experience in that type of law, but simply forgot to put it on my resume... the resume I sent him,, for that particular job? And I was just kidding about not having any experience in my e-mail?

So either I don't have experience, or I'm an idiot with experience?


Cindy and I went to the Field Museum this weekend. It's kind of crazy because several exhibits are decades old, so some of the taxidermied animals on display have since become endangered (not sure if "taxidermied" is a word.) There is a display with several stuffed Polar Bears and their cubs. Next to them, there's a sign explaining that these animals weren't extinct when they were killed.

Anyway, seeing the animal exhibit gave me an idea for a reality show. Battle of the Animals.

What if you took one of a bunch of different animals, put them on a small island, and had them duke it out to see who survives? (mild, "winter in San Diego" type climate) Who wins that battle? Lion? Elephant? Rhino? Grizzly Bear? Tiger? Crocodile? Hippo? Maybe a Monkey goes out there and figures things out? Is there a Wolf out there who can hold his own with the big boys? A poisonous snake?

I think my money goes on the Rhino.

I guess it's not a real idea for a "show." It's not like it's going to get made and put on TV for kids to watch (although that is funny to think about.) But it's a discussion topic. Is it even that? the more I think about it, the more I think the Rhino would just go out there and steamroll everyone.

That Rhino could probably take out a man in a small car.

Anyone wanna set the odds in that battle? (I'm talking to you Dirk)

reaction

I cannot imagine the force that drives a man to walk into a lecture hall full of students and shoot them indiscriminately. I guess it's most frightening to know that there is a perfectly logical explanation.

This post is for any potential shooter out there. If you're down in the dumps, depressed, past the point of no return and thinking about shooting up a school, here are a few alternatives to consider:

1) Pick a bottleneck point on a busy expressway in the city nearest you and wait for the evening commute. Park your car lengthwise across the lanes, throw your keys into woods, and shoot yourself in the head. You won’t kill any innocent people, but you’ll certainly inconvenience a lot of them. And that’s something to be proud of, isn’t it? People will probably miss flights, dinner reservations, meetings, sexual rendezvous, etc.

2) Buy a Super Bowl ticket. Wait in your seat until immediately after the opening kickoff, then run out to the 50 yard line and cut your throat. That way, no one else gets hurt and you still get your exposure.

3) Kill your parents. Fuck it, if you’re gonna kill someone, it might as well it be the ones who brought you into this world. If you shoot up a school, your parents will probably wish they were dead anyway. So if you’re planning to kill, you might as well kill them and save them the heartache.

4) You’ve already got guns, so invest $20 in a ski mask and go rob a bank. Worst case scenario, you get killed in a shootout trying to escape. Best case, you make it into Mexico and the $100k helps you figure shit out.

5) Get as many credit cards as you can, take as many cash advances on those credit cards as you can and go to Vegas. Spend 70% of your money on drugs. Heroin, Meth, Crack, Peyote, Acid, and the hardest prescription stuff. Take the remaining 30% to the strip clubs, and have some fucking fun for once in your life. It’s probably a lot more fun to die of a heart attack while sniffing cocaine off a stripper’s ass than whatever bullshit you have in mind.

6) Get yourself on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange and slit your wrists. Disrupt the markets for a couple hours, piss off the right people.

7) Fuck it, join Al Qaeda. At least you’ll have some purpose in your life

8) Kill yourself in an interesting way. See how much the body can take. Put yourself in an oven and turn it up to 350. Or put yourself in a microwave. Or a washer, then a dryer. Cut off your dick, see how much it hurts. Then cut off your testicles and compare to find out which one is worse. Go to a zoo, strip naked, jump into a tiger exhibit and see how long you can hold your own with them. Pick a fight with an ultimate fighter, or just make serious moves on his girlfriend in a nightclub,,, and when he comes at you, pull out a knife.

9) There’s a big wave off the coast of Maui (Peahi) called Jaws. It is the biggest wave in surfing, yet no one has ever died surfing it. (that is because to get to the wave, a surfer must be towed to the outer reef by a jetski) Take a few surfing lessons, pay someone to tow you out there during a big set, and get yourself killed riding a 50 foot wave. You’ll be a surfing legend.

10) Come out of the closet. It's 2008, seriously, nobody cares! It's cooler to be gay than to not be gay. (in some states)

11) Start a website and ask all other potential school shooters to sign up. Take all of the shooters, go to a paintball field and fight it out,, with live ammunition. Last man standing wins. And the winner gets to kill himself.

12) Go skydiving and don’t release your parachute. Have someone videotape it and put it on youtube.

13) Start getting into Viagra. (Scrap the whole suicide plan and just start getting into Viagra.)

to the families and friends of the victims, my prayers are with you.

this thursday night

Are any of you going to hit the bars this Thursday?

probably the best night of the year for singles

real quick

Heated Seats: feel good on my back, not so good on my testicles.