every story paints a picture

I never thought I’d write the following words… I went to a Rod Stewart concert on Saturday night, and I liked it. (Julia, I never turn down requests)

My mom constantly reminds me that if Rod Stewart or Eric Clapton ever come to Chicago, she wants to be in attendance. So when the world’s best living crooner announced a Chicago date on his tour, my brother and I got her four tickets.

The show was at the United Center (capacity ~20,000.) I had no idea that Rod Stewart could fill 20,000 seats, especially when 300 level seats were going for ~$70 a pop. But other than a half dozen sections in the 300 level that were curtained off, the place was pretty much packed. (Darayus and I think those sections were curtained off so people could sneak back there and have sex during the slower songs)

When we got there, the venue was swarming with people. It’s always interesting for me to look around and see the faces in the crowd. As soon as I looked at my brother and uttered the words, “there are going to be some different walks of life here,” I turned and spotted a middle aged man, about 5’8, 250lb, with a long pony tail, thick handlebar mustache, wearing a skin tight stretch tee shirt, showing several tattoos and piercings, with calf-high red white and black boots, and a knee length kilt.

Immediately I turned 90 degrees to my right and noticed another middle aged man, 5’8, 140lb, balding, neatly dressed, and drinking red wine out of a clear plastic cup.

After seeing those two within seconds of eachother, it wouldn’t have surprised me to see them join hands and walk into the show together.

The over/under on Rod Stewart original songs I’d recognize started out at 6.5, but it quickly moved to 9.5. I still took the over. Panic set in early because I didn’t recognize either of the first two songs. So when Rod took off his jacket to start the third song, I proposed to go double or nothing that Rod would take off his shirt at some point during the show.

I was surprised when my mom and sister quickly tried to talk me out of it. They were almost certain that his shirt was going to stay on.

How old is too old to take off your shirt? Women were still screaming, a bra had already been thrown onto the stage. And if he was posing for pictures like this,

why can’t he do the same today? He may be a bit older, but the songs haven’t changed. The game ain’t changed.

Mick Jagger still performs in wife beaters and cut off t-shirts. And any red blooded Rod Stewart fan will tell you that there’s no question about which one is sexier today, or in the respective primes. Rod probably used to perform half of his set shirtless in the early 80’s.

When you think about Mick Jagger, you think about a lot of things. But when you think about Rod Stewart, you pretty much only think about sex, and sweat. That’s what he’s all about.

Girls don’t even care about the actual appearance of a man’s body. (See the “Super Bowl Sunday” post) Women would be turned on by the fact that Rod is so sexual, he can’t help but take his shirt off in front of 15,000 women (and 5,000 men.) It’s all about that erotic energy he brings for the ladies in the audience. He’s still getting laid after the show isn’t he?

Rod’s band was made up of himself, three female backup singers, and ten people playing various instruments. The only minorities on stage were the three black backup singers. I’ve noticed that a lot of bands use black backup singers. Are black women just better singers than white women?

Whenever someone buys a concert ticket, Ticketmaster should ask them if they plan on drinking during the show. If the answer is “no”, then they shouldn’t get an aisle seat.

Every time I had to get beer, or go to the bathroom, I’d have to squeeze past ten or fifteen people through an extremely cramped space in order to get to the aisle. I tried different routes hoping to bother different people every time. But there’s only so much I could do. Aisle seats should be reserved for people who plan on drinking. I’m serious about that. Write your congressman.

Darayus held Stewart in extremely, yet understandably high regard. Here are a couple of examples:

The saxophone player was a slim woman with long blonde hair, and a skirt that wasn’t much longer than a bathing suit bottom. Since we were in a huge arena, not may people could get a good look at her face. So I asked my brother,

Me - Do you think that a year ago today, that saxophone player’s agent said to her, “If you can drop 45 lbs, grow your hair long, and dye it blonde, I’ll get you out of this coffee shop and onto a stage with Rod Stewart.” ?

Darayus - No way, he probably said to her, “Listen, if you can lose one and a half, maybe even two pounds in the right places, I just might be able to get you an audition for the Rod Stewart tour next year.”

Then there was this exchange:

Darayus - How many of the women on that stage has Rod been with

Me – ooh, that’s a good question, I’d guess maybe two, maybe even three, definitely the saxophone player, maybe the violin player..

Darayus – You didn’t let me finish the question, How many of the women on that stage has Rod been with per anum?

The answer probably isn’t zero.

The more I think about it… people in LA, they’re probably past that now. The answer to Darayus’ question might be “all of them”, “plus one or two of the men.” I’d be willing to bet that on some drug induced night, Rod Stewart has probably had full on sex with a man. Full contact, full everything. Maybe he liked it, maybe he didn’t, but when it comes to sex, guys like Stewart leave their inhibitions behind.

There are drugs out there that can do it. For example, people tell me that if I take Adderall, it’ll make me want to study. I've said this many times, but if there’s drug out there that can make me want to study, then there’s probably a pill out there that can make me want to have sex with a man. And Rod Stewart’s probably taken a few (at a time.)

Is $7.25 too much for a Budweiser draft? Were Darayus and I drinking the most expensive Budweiser drafts in America?

Even more amazing than Rod Stewart’s voice --which was absolutely incredible-- was the man’s hair. Stop and think about your father’s hair. Now realize that he’s probably Rod Stewart’s age, or younger. Does your father’s hair look anything like this?

That’s a full head of thick, and fairly long hair. Does anyone out there not think he's wearing a wig? There’s no way a 62 year old man can have hair like that. He IS wearing a wig.

Rod’s got a lot of love songs in his arsenal. When he started “Tonight’s the Night”, my mom quickly turned to my brother and said, “Oh my God! Darayus, you were conceived to this!”

(just kidding, but that was probably said to someone in the audience that night)

At the beginning of intermission, the guy sitting in front of us turned around and told us to stop talking during the show. We appreciated his concern, but it wasn’t going to be easy. If he wanted to sit around guys who weren’t going to talk during the show, then he should have bought better seats. If you buy 300 level seats, expect to be around other guys who aren’t big enough fans to pay top dollar for good seats.

My sister thought I was being a bit insensitive. She hinted that maybe he couldn’t afford better seats. My solution to that was simple, if he can’t afford better seats, then he should move to Venezuela. Or Cuba. We’ve got countries for people like that.

(just kidding)

After that, Darayus and I tried to be quiet for the guy. But honestly, he was asking too much. Darayus is basically a less mature, better looking version of me. And I’m the most annoying person I know, so imagine the two of us together. We're not the best pair to be sitting by if you’re asking for silence while there’s a 62 year old man on stage wearing a wig and singing “Do you think I’m Sexy?”

(I’ll admit, we went overboard when I dared Darayus to sing like Rod Stewart for part of a song, and he did. It’s one thing when you’re on the floor of a small venue and want to sing, because it’s loud. But we were in the 300 level of an arena. If I wanted to hit a golf ball to the nearest speaker, I’d probably have to pull out a 6-Iron. The music was fairly loud, but when a guy with a pretty good voice (like Darayus) sings, you can hear him loud and clear. Luckily, he only sang one or two lines.) (Darayus, do you remember what song it was? I’ve been trying so hard to remember, but I can’t)

Ok, last thing. Everyone in Rod Stewart’s band was incredible on his/her instrument. The lead guitar player got to play close to a half dozen long solos. The lights would go down, the spotlight would shine on him, and follow him as he walked around the stage and played. Sometimes Rod would stand next to him and they’d rock out. It was pretty cool.

But when this tour is over, that guitar player goes back to his life as a working musician (and a very good one.) (But he’s apparently not an impressive song writer.) So after the tour, he’ll probably add this to his resume and start looking for another gig. I picture the conversation he’ll have on his next job interview.

Interviewer – Your resume is impressive, I see you’ve done some studio work and a lot of touring.

Guitar Player – Yeah, I’ve been playing for 30 years, so I’m comfortable with both.

Interviewer – And you’ve played with some fairly big names..

Guitar Player – Yeah, I’ve been blessed to play with some extremely talented songwriters.

Interviewer – Wow, and your last tour was with Rod Stewart!

Guitar Player – Yeah, it was a lot of fun, our sets were almost two hours long, we played arenas on every stop. I got to solo at least five times in each set.

Interviewer – So tell me, what was Rod Stewart like?

Guitar Player – I don’t know, I never met him

That’s how fucking big Rod Stewart is.