this is pretty cool

(skip through the first 30 seconds of still frames to get to the video)

shins

Cindy and I saw the Shins in back in January when Chicago was in the midst of some extremely cold weather -- it was to the point where when the temperature got into the high single digits, we considered it a break from the cold. (this was around the same time that Dirk was posting about taking naps on the beach in Miami)

Waiting in a long like when the air temperature is 20 degrees sucks. But waiting in a long line when the air temperature is -2, is a truly unique experience. When it’s 20 degrees, people are cold and uncomfortable, but they can go about their business. They can talk, laugh, etc. But when its -2, the only thing people can do is actively be cold. People can put themselves into different positions, cover up as much exposed skin as possible, shiver, curse about how cold it is, try to see how quickly the line is moving and talk about why it should be moving faster, and gawk at the people who decided to go without a jacket (which on this night were almost none.) Pretty much everyone in line that night was frantic.

In the midst of this bedlam, I came up with a technique to lessen the suffering: first accept that you are freezing, then, imagine the pain you’d feel if for some reason you were about to be thrown into the lake and then yanked out and put back in like. Cindy didn’t seem to buy into it, but as I sat there and thought about how bad it would feel to be thrown into the lake at that moment, it made me appreciate that I was dry. And for a very short period of time, I forgot about how cold I actually was. Give it a try sometime. It won’t take away the pain, but it’ll ease it. (for a couple of seconds)

When we got to the door we saw two white women in their 50’s walk in and try to bypass the line. I heard them say, “Our sons are in the Shins, we’re Shins moms.” The doorman wasn’t having any of it. How is he supposed to know that they weren’t just two 55 year old Shins fans trying to get in without a ticket? I respected him for the skepticism. (Although, I kind of thought these women were telling the truth.)

After seeing the fake Shins moms, we met the man who should have been the highest paid Congress theater employee of the night: the outside doorman. The outside doorman's job was to make sure the line remained single file, and tell people to have their tickets and ID’s ready when they got inside. But the hardest part of his job was to be outside the entire time he did it. This guy was probably 5’7, 250 lbs, and bundled up so heavily that he looked like a ball. We could have tipped him over on his side and rolled him down the street.

A couple of minutes later -- while getting both ass cheeks pinched by the pat-down guy -- I wondered if the theater payed he outside doorman extra by hiring a couple of gay pat-down guys and paying them less. Why not?

Actually -- for the theater to save money -- why not do that every night?

If I was a pat-down guy, and was given the choice, I’d certainly chose to pat down women over men. A lot of guys would probably do the job for a free ticket and a six pack. (or for free I guess)

We all know that men aren’t allowed to pat down women. But why not let gay men pat-down men? I can’t tell if the guy who rubs his hand over my pass while searching for weapons is straight or gay, so why not let a gay guy have his fun? Let the cost savings trickle down to my ticket price.

No harm, no foul.

The Congress theater has open seating, which has its advantages and disadvantages. One of the biggest disadvantages became evident while walking back to the car when Cindy said to me, “My calf muscles are sore.” (from standing on her toes, and jumping up to see.) This made me think that it would be pretty cool to assign viewing spots on the theater floor based on height. The theater could not only do this for the convenience of it for short people, but also for how cool it would be for the band to look out at and see the entire crowd standing in height order.

Even more serious than that however, is that I was standing by a group of people who felt it necessary to dance during the show. It’s not that I am bothered by the dancing of people who want to dance. (I actually like to see that, in some ways that's what the music is meant for.) What bothers me is that a lot of guys out there don’t want to dance, but feel compelled to dance because their friends are. (not to say that’s never been me) (not to say that I remember it ever being me, but it's very possible) There’s nothing more awkward than looking away from the stage for a second and accidentally seeing one of these guys dancing. (And early in the show, there were a lot of them)

It’s difficult to explain what they are doing. They’re kind of bobbing up and down, trying to stay on beat, relaxing all of the muscles in their neck so that their heads roll around a little, but their arms are still held fairly tightly against their bodies (or in their pockets.) It seemed like 75% of guys dancing at the Shins concert were doing this kind of dance.

It took a bit of restraint on my part not to go up to one particular guy in front of me, put one hand on his shoulder and the other on his chest, squeeze lightly, and say to him, “It’s ok, it’s ok, you don’t have to.” Smile, shake my head a little bit, nod a little bit, look into his eyes and say, “It’s ok, you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Just relax and enjoy the music, my brother.”

The Shins did something I’ve never seen before. After they finished their set and left the stage, the fans started cheering for an encore. After a couple of minutes, the lead singer walked back out onto the stage and the crowd erupted. Then he turned on the microphone and said, “Hey guys, seriously, we’re done. Sorry. If you wanna hear more, we’ve got three albums. Thanks for coming out.”

Then he walked off the stage. The lights came on, and the confused crowd went home.

Just kidding. But in all seriousness,, The “rock concert encore” is an archaic concept. Rod Stewart’s encore was Maggie Mae. I went to a Duran Duran show six years ago, and after being called out for an encore, they decided to perform Rio and The Reflex. I went to a Prince show and his encore was Purple Rain. PURPLE FUCKING RAIN!! As if we convinced him to come out and play Purple Rain because he hadn’t planned on it.

Message to all musicians today: Stop patronizing your fans!

Don’t come out for an encore and do a flawless rendition of your biggest hit.

I’m not saying that the Shins did that, actually their encore performance of Pressed in a Book was one of the best parts of their show. I would just like to see an actual impromptu encore. A song where the band comes out and has no idea what they’re about to play. Maybe they ask the fans what they’d like to hear.

I’d like to see fans band together and get a band to perform a true encore.

After the show, Cindy wanted to get a Shins t-shirt, so I went to get it for her. The Shins charge $20 for t-shirts. When I saw Prince a few years ago, his t-shirts were $50. Fifty U.S. dollars for a t-shirt. I asked an older man and woman working the Morrissey t-shirt stand why some artists charge so much for their t-shirts. Their response: “Because they can.”

They told me they once worked a Streisand show where t-shirts were $60.

It really makes you appreciate the level of dedication a fan has to Price when you see him walking around sporting Musicology Tour t-shirt.

I approached the souvenir stand and noticed that the line was completely unorganized -- the exact opposite of the line the outside doorman had managed earlier. This was an unorganized mob of people crowded behind three long tables. I waited patiently behind a guy in the front, and as soon as he paid for his shirt and left, I took his spot in front of the table. The girl who took his money immediately saw me, and at that point I could have placed my order and got a shirt. However, I felt bad because the girls on both sides of me had been waiting longer than me, so I deferred, and let them buy their t-shirts. I waited patiently at the table until everyone who had been waiting before me bought their t-shirts, and an entirely new group of buyers surrounded me. Then I held out my $20 bill, and expected to be rewarded for my patience. However, the new customers all squeezed their way into the line, stole the cashier’s attention, took their shirts and left, without even giving me an afterthought.

Finally, after two full generations of customers had passed me up, I said to the person trying to push me out of my spot, “Maybe you shouldn't bother going after this spot because I’ve been here the longest and I can’t seem to get the cashier’s attention.”

The female cashier overheard that remark and walked over to me and said, in disgust, “You’re not the only person trying to get a shirt, other people have been waiting here longer than you. Why don’t you just wait your turn!”

Everyone was looking at me like I was the asshole.

It was funny because it was loud, and there were a bunch of people around, so I wasn’t in a position where I could reason with her. All I could do was laugh and say "I'm sorry."

A few minutes later, she came around and asked me what t-shirt I wanted. I pointed it out and told her my size. When she handed to me, I didn’t check the size. But as I was walking away, I decided to check just to make sure that she wasn’t still holding a grudge against me and purposefully gave me the wrong one. The wrong size could mean another 15 minutes in the crowd trying to exchange my shirt. Lucky for her, she gave me the right size, because if she hadn't,,, I would have gone back there and patiently waited for her attention and then politely explain to her that she had given me the wrong size.

this has nothing to do with politics

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army

If I went to the local Army recruiting office and signed up today… How long would it be until I am standing on Iraqi soil?

Would my trip to the recruiting office be like this?

Me – Hi I’d like to sign up for the Army.

Recruiter - Ok, what size shoe do you wear?

Me – 9

Recruiter – Ok, just go over to that Humvee in front of the building, and tell Sergeant Michaels that you’re ready to go. He’ll show you how to fire an M-16 before he drives you to the plane. Lets see, its 5:30 now, the base is about 45 minutes away, so with M-16 training, you might hiss the 6:30 flight,, I’ll schedule you for the 7:00 flight to Baghdad just to be safe.

Me - (turn around and walk to the humvee)

Recruiter – Hey, and remember, its “don’t ask, don’t tell” out there

enjoy

if this isn't worth two minutes of your time, I'm afraid to know what is

no spring break,,,,, or spring break?

Behold

When I first heard this song a couple of hours ago, I enjoyed it as I do every song I wake up to these days, but it didn’t take long before I realized that this one was special. Watch the whole thing. Trust me, watch the whole thing.

If you’re at work, turn your volume up.

Listen to the voice on this guy! (I can tell you 50 things to look for in this clip, but if I were to say just one; watch his eyes.)

radio

This morning I woke up to a song called, “the reason for the storm.” (I’m not sure if that’s formal the title of the song, but it was the song’s hook.) It was an informative song. You know how people always ask, “if there’s really a God, then why do we have hurricanes and tornados that kill innocent people?”

The song explained that if God made everything in life perfect, we wouldn’t long for him in the next life.

That’s valid. God’s gotta create the demand for himself, or else what good is his endless supply of bliss?

I was in the car with Cindy when they started talking about Psalm 1, so I switched over to NPR. Chicago public radio is on their fundraising push right now, and it’s annoying. And sometimes instead of just explaining the simple truth behind why they need money, they’ll try to come up with some funny/unique/attention getting reason.

For example, a Nun contributed over the weekend, and the anchor kept repeating, “She’s taken a vow of poverty, yet she still donated.” (he must have said that 10 times in 2 minutes.) “If someone who’s taken a vow of poverty can donate, so can you!” “She’s taken a vow of poverty!”

It didn’t occur to him that the vow of poverty probably explains why she was donating.

I don’t recall taking a vow of poverty.

Then they ran a story about the energy rate tripling in some parts of southern Illinois. After the story, the news anchor said, “Here’s an idea, instead of giving your money to the big energy companies, give it to us.” (he repeated this probably a half dozen times)

Are you kidding me? I can do better than that. Honestly, if I even had a halfway decent voice, I’d apply for the NPR news anchor job. I've made people laugh from sea to motherfucking shining sea.

I thought about contributing. Even though I’m out of work right now, I can spare $50. But then I realized that even if I contribute, I’ll still be treated like everyone else.

I’ll still have to listen to their incessant begging. I’ll have to hear the anchor say something like, “Even if you can’t give a $1,000, which we consider a leadership contribution,, well, I mean,, I guess it’s ok if all you can afford is $10 a month. If that’s all you can afford, well, hey,, I guess we’ll take it.” (which is something I actually heard him say just now on my supermarket run)

What the hell am I doing making supermarket runs in the late afternoon? I've gotta start praying. Hard.

every story paints a picture

I never thought I’d write the following words… I went to a Rod Stewart concert on Saturday night, and I liked it. (Julia, I never turn down requests)

My mom constantly reminds me that if Rod Stewart or Eric Clapton ever come to Chicago, she wants to be in attendance. So when the world’s best living crooner announced a Chicago date on his tour, my brother and I got her four tickets.

The show was at the United Center (capacity ~20,000.) I had no idea that Rod Stewart could fill 20,000 seats, especially when 300 level seats were going for ~$70 a pop. But other than a half dozen sections in the 300 level that were curtained off, the place was pretty much packed. (Darayus and I think those sections were curtained off so people could sneak back there and have sex during the slower songs)

When we got there, the venue was swarming with people. It’s always interesting for me to look around and see the faces in the crowd. As soon as I looked at my brother and uttered the words, “there are going to be some different walks of life here,” I turned and spotted a middle aged man, about 5’8, 250lb, with a long pony tail, thick handlebar mustache, wearing a skin tight stretch tee shirt, showing several tattoos and piercings, with calf-high red white and black boots, and a knee length kilt.

Immediately I turned 90 degrees to my right and noticed another middle aged man, 5’8, 140lb, balding, neatly dressed, and drinking red wine out of a clear plastic cup.

After seeing those two within seconds of eachother, it wouldn’t have surprised me to see them join hands and walk into the show together.

The over/under on Rod Stewart original songs I’d recognize started out at 6.5, but it quickly moved to 9.5. I still took the over. Panic set in early because I didn’t recognize either of the first two songs. So when Rod took off his jacket to start the third song, I proposed to go double or nothing that Rod would take off his shirt at some point during the show.

I was surprised when my mom and sister quickly tried to talk me out of it. They were almost certain that his shirt was going to stay on.

How old is too old to take off your shirt? Women were still screaming, a bra had already been thrown onto the stage. And if he was posing for pictures like this,

why can’t he do the same today? He may be a bit older, but the songs haven’t changed. The game ain’t changed.

Mick Jagger still performs in wife beaters and cut off t-shirts. And any red blooded Rod Stewart fan will tell you that there’s no question about which one is sexier today, or in the respective primes. Rod probably used to perform half of his set shirtless in the early 80’s.

When you think about Mick Jagger, you think about a lot of things. But when you think about Rod Stewart, you pretty much only think about sex, and sweat. That’s what he’s all about.

Girls don’t even care about the actual appearance of a man’s body. (See the “Super Bowl Sunday” post) Women would be turned on by the fact that Rod is so sexual, he can’t help but take his shirt off in front of 15,000 women (and 5,000 men.) It’s all about that erotic energy he brings for the ladies in the audience. He’s still getting laid after the show isn’t he?

Rod’s band was made up of himself, three female backup singers, and ten people playing various instruments. The only minorities on stage were the three black backup singers. I’ve noticed that a lot of bands use black backup singers. Are black women just better singers than white women?

Whenever someone buys a concert ticket, Ticketmaster should ask them if they plan on drinking during the show. If the answer is “no”, then they shouldn’t get an aisle seat.

Every time I had to get beer, or go to the bathroom, I’d have to squeeze past ten or fifteen people through an extremely cramped space in order to get to the aisle. I tried different routes hoping to bother different people every time. But there’s only so much I could do. Aisle seats should be reserved for people who plan on drinking. I’m serious about that. Write your congressman.

Darayus held Stewart in extremely, yet understandably high regard. Here are a couple of examples:

The saxophone player was a slim woman with long blonde hair, and a skirt that wasn’t much longer than a bathing suit bottom. Since we were in a huge arena, not may people could get a good look at her face. So I asked my brother,

Me - Do you think that a year ago today, that saxophone player’s agent said to her, “If you can drop 45 lbs, grow your hair long, and dye it blonde, I’ll get you out of this coffee shop and onto a stage with Rod Stewart.” ?

Darayus - No way, he probably said to her, “Listen, if you can lose one and a half, maybe even two pounds in the right places, I just might be able to get you an audition for the Rod Stewart tour next year.”

Then there was this exchange:

Darayus - How many of the women on that stage has Rod been with

Me – ooh, that’s a good question, I’d guess maybe two, maybe even three, definitely the saxophone player, maybe the violin player..

Darayus – You didn’t let me finish the question, How many of the women on that stage has Rod been with per anum?

The answer probably isn’t zero.

The more I think about it… people in LA, they’re probably past that now. The answer to Darayus’ question might be “all of them”, “plus one or two of the men.” I’d be willing to bet that on some drug induced night, Rod Stewart has probably had full on sex with a man. Full contact, full everything. Maybe he liked it, maybe he didn’t, but when it comes to sex, guys like Stewart leave their inhibitions behind.

There are drugs out there that can do it. For example, people tell me that if I take Adderall, it’ll make me want to study. I've said this many times, but if there’s drug out there that can make me want to study, then there’s probably a pill out there that can make me want to have sex with a man. And Rod Stewart’s probably taken a few (at a time.)

Is $7.25 too much for a Budweiser draft? Were Darayus and I drinking the most expensive Budweiser drafts in America?

Even more amazing than Rod Stewart’s voice --which was absolutely incredible-- was the man’s hair. Stop and think about your father’s hair. Now realize that he’s probably Rod Stewart’s age, or younger. Does your father’s hair look anything like this?

That’s a full head of thick, and fairly long hair. Does anyone out there not think he's wearing a wig? There’s no way a 62 year old man can have hair like that. He IS wearing a wig.

Rod’s got a lot of love songs in his arsenal. When he started “Tonight’s the Night”, my mom quickly turned to my brother and said, “Oh my God! Darayus, you were conceived to this!”

(just kidding, but that was probably said to someone in the audience that night)

At the beginning of intermission, the guy sitting in front of us turned around and told us to stop talking during the show. We appreciated his concern, but it wasn’t going to be easy. If he wanted to sit around guys who weren’t going to talk during the show, then he should have bought better seats. If you buy 300 level seats, expect to be around other guys who aren’t big enough fans to pay top dollar for good seats.

My sister thought I was being a bit insensitive. She hinted that maybe he couldn’t afford better seats. My solution to that was simple, if he can’t afford better seats, then he should move to Venezuela. Or Cuba. We’ve got countries for people like that.

(just kidding)

After that, Darayus and I tried to be quiet for the guy. But honestly, he was asking too much. Darayus is basically a less mature, better looking version of me. And I’m the most annoying person I know, so imagine the two of us together. We're not the best pair to be sitting by if you’re asking for silence while there’s a 62 year old man on stage wearing a wig and singing “Do you think I’m Sexy?”

(I’ll admit, we went overboard when I dared Darayus to sing like Rod Stewart for part of a song, and he did. It’s one thing when you’re on the floor of a small venue and want to sing, because it’s loud. But we were in the 300 level of an arena. If I wanted to hit a golf ball to the nearest speaker, I’d probably have to pull out a 6-Iron. The music was fairly loud, but when a guy with a pretty good voice (like Darayus) sings, you can hear him loud and clear. Luckily, he only sang one or two lines.) (Darayus, do you remember what song it was? I’ve been trying so hard to remember, but I can’t)

Ok, last thing. Everyone in Rod Stewart’s band was incredible on his/her instrument. The lead guitar player got to play close to a half dozen long solos. The lights would go down, the spotlight would shine on him, and follow him as he walked around the stage and played. Sometimes Rod would stand next to him and they’d rock out. It was pretty cool.

But when this tour is over, that guitar player goes back to his life as a working musician (and a very good one.) (But he’s apparently not an impressive song writer.) So after the tour, he’ll probably add this to his resume and start looking for another gig. I picture the conversation he’ll have on his next job interview.

Interviewer – Your resume is impressive, I see you’ve done some studio work and a lot of touring.

Guitar Player – Yeah, I’ve been playing for 30 years, so I’m comfortable with both.

Interviewer – And you’ve played with some fairly big names..

Guitar Player – Yeah, I’ve been blessed to play with some extremely talented songwriters.

Interviewer – Wow, and your last tour was with Rod Stewart!

Guitar Player – Yeah, it was a lot of fun, our sets were almost two hours long, we played arenas on every stop. I got to solo at least five times in each set.

Interviewer – So tell me, what was Rod Stewart like?

Guitar Player – I don’t know, I never met him

That’s how fucking big Rod Stewart is.

random questions

What’s Webster’s definition of “best friends”?

The two white guys on an NBA team.

--------------------------------

What’s a worse answer to the question, “What do you do for a living?”

- “I work for Ticketmaster corporate.”

- “I’m in HR/Benefits at Walmart”

- “I work with e-mail mass marketing”

- “I invented the hand-dryer”

Is there any man out there who doesn't think he got a good deal on the engagement ring he just bought?

Are there people out there who go to the dentist and are told that their flossing is just fine?

When Barak Obama campaigns in the south, does he tell people that he’s white?

Do the French look down on Americans because their only impression of Americans is “American Cheese”?

How long until official NFL and NBA statisticians keep track of “arrests”?

Why is there illegibly small fine print in television commercials?

Why are there different winners at the "World Cup of Beer" every year?

In the entire future of the United States, will we ever have a funnier President?

Is there any significance to the fact that beer stains can be easily removed, but coffee stains cannot?

Have you ever met anyone who's voted for the "People's Choice Awards"?

When you’re buying clothes in a retail store, and you get the register and they ask you “did anyone help you with that?” Why would anyone ever say no?

Thats all I've got right now. I'm going to a Rod Stewart concert tonight. I really am.