Nobody's Safe

Part I

Tonight, President Bush is going to address the nation and explain why we should send more troops to Iraq. Just as a refresher, here are a few facts we’ve all heard before:

- On September 11, 2001, suicide bombers hailing mostly from Saudi Arabia and trained in Afghanistan, attacked the U.S., killing ~3,000 innocent civilians.

- Since then, the US has bombed and sent ~20,000 troops to Afghanistan, resulting in 10,000–50,000 Afghani casualties (depending on your source)

- The US has also, and sent ~150,000 troops to Iraq, resulting in ~600,000 deaths (source)

A majority of the country believes that invasion of Iraq was a mistake, however, simply because a majority of the population believes a certain way, doesn't it true. So allow me to once again state some fairly well known facts:

1. Not one of the 9/11 hijackers came from Iraq
2. Iraq has never attacked the US
3. Prior to 9/11, Iraq had no ties to Al Qaeda
4. There is no evidence that Iraq has ever had any nuclear weapons
   

At first glance, one may think that these facts all support the argument against the invasion of Iraq. But stop…. lets think about this together. Which argument do they really support?

Name a country whose people would go back in time five years and trade places with Iraq?
(limit your answer to first and second world countries)

I can't think of any.

But in retrospect, what could Iraq have done to prevent the US invasion?

I can think of two things:
1) Either stop the 9/11 attacks from happening in the first place, or,
2) Fully cooperate with the US and all of its demands after 9/11.

(If the US wanted Saddam Hussein to give up power and hold elections, he should have listened. If the US wanted UN inspectors to go through Saddam Hussein’s mother’s underwear drawer to look for WMD’s, they should have been given full access)

I think what our administration has done is simple; we’ve told the world that if you want to attack the US, go ahead. But by responding to the attack with an invasion of Iraq, we’re letting the world know that if we get attacked,,,, nobody’s safe.

NOBODY.

We’ll go after those who attacked us. Sure... there’s no question about that. But once we've killed enough people in that country to satisfy our thirst for blood; we’re gonna take the names of every other country in the geographic region of our attackers, we're gonna put those names into a hat, and we're gonna randomly pick one unlucky name. And the country that gets picked will get invaded as well. And just to make sure we’ve got the world’s attention, we will focus the bulk of our army on that country.

This sends a simple message to the world: Police you Neighbors.

Because if you don't police your neighbors, we just might find you liable as our attacker.

It's an alternative strategy, I’ll admit. But a lot of people will tell you that its better to be feared than loved. (Japan seems to like us now.) As of now, this is simply the “unspoken” strategy in Republican circles, but come election time, it's going to be the gospel.

Part II

Hypothetically, lets say Hezbollah decides that now is a good time to launch a terrorist attack on US soil. I can just imagine the conversation between Syrian President Bashar as-Assad, and Hezbollah Leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah. (for convenience, I’ll refer to them as “Syria” and “Hezbollah”)

Syria – Listen, Hassan, I know about the little attack you’re planning on the US, and I’m telling you right now, don’t do it.

Hezbollah – What attack, what are you talking about? I don’t know anything...

Syria – (interrupting) Don’t. Ok. Please don’t feed me that bullshit right now, ok. We know. We know everything. Ever since that Iraq invasion we’ve upped our intelligence presence in Beirut because we don’t want you guys trying anything crazy.

Hezbollah – So what are you saying we should do?

Syria – All I’m saying, is that if you wanna attack Israel, go ahead and attack Israel. If you want to commit the lives of the next 10 generations of your people to almost certain death for a piece of land the size of New Jersey, that you’ll probably never even get,,, if you think that’s a good idea, well, that’s none of my business. You attack them all you want. They’ll fire rockets back at you, you’ll beg for mercy, they’ll stop their attacks, and then you’ll declare victory and start up all of this nonsense again… I don’t give a shit. Ok? Some guys prefer to get fucked in the asshole, but that's none of my business.

Hezbollah - ...

Syria - My point is, if you want to attack Israel, if that's what keeps you in power, go ahead and do it, we’re not going to stop you. That’s none of my business. But when you attack America, you make it my business.

Hezbollah – So you,,,

Syria – (interrupting) Do I look like I'm done talking? Did I give you any goddamn indication that I was finished talking?

Hezbollah - no...

Syria - (interrupting) Then shut up and listen. Ok, seriously, shut the fuck up, for two minutes, and listen to what I'm about to say to you. Ok, I’m not smiling right now.

Hezbollah - ...

Syria - Don’t attack the US. Ok? Are we clear on that? Do. Not. Attack. The. United. States. Of. America.

Hezbollah – but we...

Syria – (interrupting) If speak out of turn again, I swear to God or Allah or whoever the fuck it is you pretend to believe in... I swear to him right now that I’ll do it to you myself. With my bare hands if I have to. Are you listening to me? Don’t say a word, just nod if you’re listening.

Hezbollah – (nods)

Syria – Have you been watching the news lately? Don’t answer that. Al Qaeda attacked the US from Afghanistan, with a bunch of Saudis. And you know what the US did? They destroyed Kabul. Then they captured as many of the Taliban fighters as they could find, took them to an island, and tortured them. And the truth is, I’ve got no problems with that. If that’s all they would have done, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. Are you with me so far?

Hezbollah – (nods)

Syria – But after the Americans were done with Afghanistan, they attacked Iraq. First, they bombarded them with artillery. Then, they put 150,000 men on the ground. Did you hear me? I don't think you did because I don't see you shivering.

Hezbollah - (shrugs)

Syria - Becausee I just said that they put one hundred and fifty fucking thousand men on the ground,,, IN IRAQ! Do you know what that means?

Hezbollah – (shrugs)

Syria – It means that if you attack the US, and they ask for my help finding you,,, I’m going to do whatever it takes to help them. If that means giving them your head on a platter, literally, I’ll do it. I'll give'em your mother's head if that's what it takes. I don’t want 150,000 American soldiers in my country because I didn’t fully cooperate. I don’t want my country’s infrastructure set back to the stone age because the U.S. wants to make an example out of me. I’ve already told them everything I know about this plan of yours right now. And I’m going to continue to tell them everything I find out.

Hezbollah – (nods)

Syria – (almost whispering now) Let me tell you something, I met George Bush one time. And I’ll tell you what,,, he’s the smartest, coldest motherfucker in this game. He puts on that dumb cowboy act for his followers, but man, you get that motherfucker behind closed doors and the southern accent disappears and he is all business. You wanna hear the craziest thing?

Hezbollah – (hesitates, and nods)

Syria – (still whispering) I spent an afternoon with Bush once, and the entire time... the whole fucking time I was with him... (takes a deep breath and looks around the room.) Let me tell you something about George Bush: that afternoon when I was with him,,, he was hard the whole time. And he didn’t do a thing to hide it.

Hezbollah – (confused)

Syria - He just followed it around the room. And let me ask you something,, You think those Abu Ghraib pictures were “leaked” to the media?

Hezbollah – (shrugs)

Syria - Shit, Bush gave those pictures to the press, and said, “Make sure these pictures are shown all over the world.” You remember those Iraqi’s in the pictures at Abu Ghraib? The ones who were climbing all over each other naked and sucking each other’s dicks? Those poor Muslims probably had as much to do with the 9/11 attacks as Muhammad Ali. You still following me? We’ve all seen how far Al Qaeda is willing to go, now Bush is showing us how far America is willing to go; and it's pretty fucking far. Ok? Bin Laden tried his best, the guy did all he could. He created Al Qaeda, a non state actor, how do you retaliate against a non-state actor? Blah blah blah. But Bush trumped him, Bush said, “If you want to break the rules,,, well, in case anyone forgot, we write the fucking rules.”

Hezbollah – (nods)

Syria – Now get the fuck out of here. (then turns to his assistants) And someone get this motherfucker a goddamn toothbrush before he leaves. I mean, fuck, he's running around representing a goddamn political party and he's got teeth that look like they were taken out of a fucking caveman!