real quick quickies

After I paid for my lunch today, the girl at the register asked whether I wanted a receipt. I hesitated because this weekend Cindy read me part of an article saying that the ink on certain receipts can cause cancer. (I took the receipt anyway. (And then I threw it out immediately (which is what I always do with receipts.)))

Afterwards, I e-mailed Cindy to say that I was a bit paranoid about taking a receipt because of what she had read to me. She responded by telling me she had also just read an article saying that sunscreen may cause cancer (which was troubling to her because she likes to go out in the sun and wear sunscreen.)

Then I remembered that this weekend we had checked what kind of plastic our water bottles were made of because the receipt article also said that certain plastic bottles can cause cancer.

And when I thought about all of this, I realized the primary cause of cancer:

Not having cancer.

...

I sit next to a girl at work, and when I got back to my desk this afternoon, she told me that she was feeling full from eating a big salad. I wanted to respond, "Yeah, I'm feeling full too, which is weird because I just took a big heavy dump."

But I didn't say that. Instead, I said, "Yeah, me too."

Probably because once on another project I sat across from a girl while I was on a Subway kick, and she was asking me all of these questions about why I liked Subway, and so I eventually replied, "Because not only does a Subway sandwich taste good going in, but it feels wonderful and clean coming out."

The girls acted all grossed out, and so I told her not to ask questions to which she was not prepared to hear the answers.

So can I talk about my dumps at work with women in scientific detail, or not?

What else are shit aficionados like Millis and I supposed to talk about? We're sportsmen.

Shitting matters.

...

Remember this note from a little while ago:

Juice had the copper pipes stolen from his air conditioner for the second time this year 

This is especially annoying because the thief will only get $75 for the pipes, but it will cost over $500 to repair the air conditioner.

I gave Juice the following advice after the first theft, and I'll say it again now: He should put a note on the air conditioner that says this:

Dear Thief,

Instead of stealing my copper pipes, please bring this note to my front door and I will give you $100 cash.

Well, since then, Juice had a cage put around his air conditioner.

So the following week, there was a ring on Juice's doorbell. And when Juice answered, a man stood there and calmly said, "Just give me $100 cash or I'll kill you. Simple as that. Sorry you had to waste money on that cage. And we can set up direct deposit if you don't want me coming over here every month."

...

Lets play, find the adulterated word on the chalkboard at Potbelly's...