Orientation

Last Friday, I had an orientation for a new temp project that started yesterday. I’ve been to several orientations like this before, and this one wasn’t any different. The attorney in charge just went over administrative details and explained what paperwork we needed to fill out over the weekend. After he was finished explaining, he opened the floor to questions. I’ll transcribe the discussion from that point:

STAFF ATTORNEY:  Ok, so the project will start on Monday, and before that, I just need everyone to fill out the tax forms, sign the confidentiality agreement, take the drug test, and fill out the conflict of interest forms. Before I pass everything out, does anyone have questions?

GIRL IN FRONT:  How long is the project expected to last?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  I’m guessing about a month. But you know how these projects are – the case could settle and we could be done in a week. Any other questions?

LONG-HAIRED GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME:  When do we have to take the drug test by?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  Try to get it done over weekend so you can have paperwork in to us by Monday.

GIRL IN THE MIDDLE:  How far back do we need to go on the conflict of interest forms?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  We’d like to know the client and the adverse party on every case you’ve worked on. If there’s anything you can’t remember, or aren’t allowed to disclose, just indicate that on the form. Anything else?

LONG-HAIRED GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME:  Is it going to be a urine test or a hair test?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  I’m sorry, what?

LONG-HAIRED GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME:  The drug test – is it going to be a urine test or hair test?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  Oh. Uh, I’m not sure, I’m guessing it’ll be a urine test. But I don’t know. I didn’t even know they tested hair.

GIRL IN THE FRONT:  What are the required billable hours for the project?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  We require 40 hours a week, and you can work up to 50. Any other questions?

LONG-HAIRED GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME:  About the drug test, do you know what chemicals they’re testing for?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  Uh, I don’t know. I’m guessing they’re testing for anything illegal.

LONG-HAIRED GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME:  Will it count as a positive result if they detect a masking agent in your system?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  Uh, I really don’t know.

LONG-HAIRED GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME:  Well, do you know if the drug testing is going to be through Accu-labs or Bri-Medical Testing?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  Uh, it probably says here on the sheet. (looks at the sheet) Ok, it’s Accu-labs. And it says here that it’s a urine test. Any other questions?

LONG-HAIRED GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME:  Does it say whether they test the temperature of the urine?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  (shakes his head and then looks down at the sheet) Uh, no, I don’t see anything about that here. I’m going to pass this sheet out to everyone in a second so you can take a look at it yourself. Does anyone else have questions?

GIRL IN THE MIDDLE:  Do we get paid time and a half for any hours over 40?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  No, unfortunately we don’t do that. I think firms stopped doing that a long time ago. Anything else?

LONG-HAIRED GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME:  I’m going to be out of town this weekend. Is it ok if I take the drug test next weekend?

STAFF ATTORNEY:  We’ll be done here in a few minutes, so you can just go get it taken care of this afternoon. Any other questions?

LONG-HAIRED GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME:  (takes his phone out of his pocket and talks into it loudly) What is that mom? You’re downstairs waiting to pick me up and take me to the airport now? Ok, we’re almost done here I’ll be down soon. I love you.