just some random bs

The default margins on Microsoft Word are 1.25 inches on each side.

This would have been great in school; back when we would type in 14 point Courier New font and extend the right and left margins to 1.35 inches, and instead of double spacing we’d make it 2.5x spacing, and instead of indenting our paragraphs we’d quintuple space between paragraphs.

Then we’d print out the paper and look at it and laugh and think to ourselves, “The teacher is not blind! This looks like I’m submitting 10 title pages.”

...

A friend recently told me that he saw a couple in the apartment across the street from him having sex. But he said it was weird because the man would spend two minutes setting up each position, but only operate in it for about 45 seconds before moving on to the next one.

We imagined the guy calmly giving orders, “Ok, now put your foot there. And now get your arm down here, ok, good. Now try to lift your head up just a little bit… that’s it... Ok and now just reach out and grab the frame here, ok, and now I’m gonna turn around and slide my leg through here, and ok, we’re ready to go.”

Then he slides in and starts pumping just long enough to create the friction and successfully establish the execution of the position and maybe enjoy it for a few dozen mechanical pumps before moving on to the next complicated set up.

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Kind of a related idea that was floating in my head a few years ago -- You know how men can go into certain massage parlors and get a massage from a woman and then get jerked off at the end? Well, how about a massage parlor where a woman gives you a massage, then blindfolds you and leaves the room, and then a man comes in and jerks you off?

He’s probably better at it.

And you’re not gonna know it’s a man – that’s what the blindfold is for. And I can imagine that word of the high quality handjob will spread quickly through the massage parlor frequenting community.

And I’d be willing to bet that word travels far and fast in the massage parlor frequenting community.

Maybe farther and faster than word spreads in any other community on Earth.

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My dad’s friend from college got out of the draft for Vietnam by telling the drafting officer, “Listen, sir, you’re gonna have a difficult time getting me out on a battlefield. And it’s gonna be a whole hell of a lot more difficult if you give me a gun.”

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Wouldn’t it be funny if after all this, we find out that radical Islam was right.

We die, and the afterlife starts and we are face to face with Allah who sends us down to burn in hell for eternity. But before he sends us down, we’re able to catch a glimpse of those suicide bombers up in heaven lounging around drinking wine with a bunch of pulchritudinous women at 72-1 ratios.

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Cindy and I made potato salad last weekend, and I’ll say this for people who haven’t thought much about what goes into it: it’s a shocking amount of mayonnaise and sour cream.

I’ll make it again, but I’m going to stray from the recipe.

There was probably more mayo in those three pounds of potato salad than every “non-potato salad” meal I have eaten combined in the last ten years. (and I’ve had my fair fucking share of deviled eggs, mind you)

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I’ve realized that I am a snob in some respects when it comes to restaurants, but am the anti-snob in others. Or maybe not, I don’t know.

Snob

(in a diner)

Me – (looking at the waitress and pointing at the menu) How freshly squeezed is your orange juice?

Anti-Snob

(in a fancy steakhouse)

Waiter – In mineral water we have San Pellegrino, and in flat water we have Evian and Chicago tap.

Me – Um, I guess I’ll have the Chicago tap.

Waiter – (nods his head and writes down the order and leaves)

Me – What an asshole. I'm never coming here again. And I've got half a mind to actively badmouth this place.

Snob

(in a diner)

Me – (to the waitress as she prepares to top off my iced tea) No no no! It disrupts the ratio of sugar!

Anti-Snob –

(in a fancy steakhouse)

Me – Why does it say “market” next to the filet mignon, and yet that 24oz New York Strip will cost $79 regardless of fluctuations in the market price of beef? Don’t they come from the same animal?

Me - (without giving the waiter a chance to answer) Or when you say market, are you actually referring to the stock market? Like if the Dow is up that day you're gonna raise the price of your filet accordingly?

Me - (without giving him a chance to answer) Regardless, I'll have the biggest ribeye you've got.

Waiter - And how would you like it cooked?

Me - Pittsburgh rare.

Waiter - I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with what you mean by "Pittsburgh rare"

Me - Well, if your chef doesn't know either, then you can bring out my check, and a to-go cup for my Chicago Tap.