Nature

I got on the elevator after work last Monday with a girl from my office. We had met once before at a happy hour and I found her to be friendly and talkative, not necessarily outgoing, but very genuine. Almost bubbly. She was younger – probably 26 – and pretty good looking.

She smiled and asked, “Do you have anything exciting planned for the evening?”

“No, just some Christmas shopping.”

“Oh, do you still have a lot of shopping to do?”

“No, just one last gift for my fiancé, but I’m not sure what to get.”

She smiled and lowered her voice a little and said, “You should get her something shiny.”

I smiled back and thought about the engagement ring I bought a few months earlier and said, “Well, I’ve already gotten her something shiny this year.”

She looked down at her bare ring finger and her smile grew. She began to stare off into space and seemed to fall into a daydream.

“Yeah” she said softly as she stared past me, “When someone gets me one of those…”

She continued, “When someone gets me one of those… I won’t need any presents from him ever again.”

I paused for a second, and then said, “Yes you will.”

She looked up at me and thought about it, and then I continued, “You will. Trust me.”

She thought about it some more, and then giggled and said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

I have complacently worked as a contract attorney for the last three years:

On my current project, I work in a room with 35 other contract attorneys. We each have a computer, and sit two per table. The tables are lined up in two columns, with everyone facing the front. My table is in the very back. Our dress code is lax, we can wear jeans – although some people choose to dress business casual.

I was discussing TV shows with the two guys in front of me and the girl next to me. (All of us were wearing jeans.) The conversation started on the topic of The Wire, and then Lost, and then why network shows can’t be compared to HBO shows, and then back to Lost.

The supervising attorney had been out of the room for most of the morning so we were past the point of trying to speak quietly. (And even when the supervisor is there, quiet talking is acceptable.)

Eventually, an attorney who sits towards the front of the room got up and walked over and stood next to our tables. He wore a button down dress shirt and slacks. He paused for a moment, and then said,

“Hey, can you guys keep it down a little bit?”

We all looked up at him, fully aware that we were being loud, but nonetheless in awe of our more serious peer’s courage to come ask us to keep it down.

After a short pause, he continued, “It’s just that I haven’t seen season five yet, and I’m sitting up there terrified that I’m going to overhear something from you guys.”

at Wabash and Lake

(taken down to proofread)

A Conversation I thought I was going to overhear today:

“Hey, can I ask you a question? -- It’s just to settle a bet, and I don’t meant for it to be offensive in any way.”

“,,, Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Are you a man, or a woman?”

on the heels of the Tiger Woods post, since I'm still in that mindset

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18096314/

Ok, this happened a couple of years ago, but I randomly came upon it for the first time just now and it's funny for a bunch of reasons -- however, to make a long post short, here's the gist: someone planted a hidden camera in an elementary school principal's office and caught him having sex with a teacher (multiple times.) Then that person put the sex scenes on a DVD and mailed it to all of the schoolchildren's parents five days before school board elections.

(The political strategy should have backfired because I don't think anyone would want to vote for a candidate who bugs a principal's office and then mass mails his sex tape.)

Anyway, the best part is when you click on the video that accompanies the article.

It starts with a blurred out clip from the sex tape and a reporter immediately referring to it as "shocking and disturbing."

I understand that news organizations have to make stories seem controversial in order to get viewers, but "shocking and disturbing"?

It was just two people having sex. Surprising; yes. Daring; yes. An inefficient use of time; yes. Perhaps not the best display of professional judgment (if they were making a lot of noise); yes. Shocking and disturbing; no.

Anyway, for that first shot, the blurring works. Then they cut to an enraged mom (who is probably doing it up for the camera) for a sound bite, and then cut back to a blurred out version of the sex tape. But the second time, the blurring doesn't quite do the job.

Although you can't actually see what's going on, you can clearly see the blurred colors vibrating to the sexual rhythm. To the rhythm of the man's pumping. (and he's pumping pretty fast)

Then they cut back to the angry woman, and then back to the blurred sex tape, and this third time you can really see the rhythm of the pumping (look at the center of the blur.) Again, you can't see anything, but you can see the color vibrating to the rhythm and speed of the gyration.

And you can tell this guy is a pro because there's not much of wasted movement or flailing around, he was very efficient. (a very high "friction / bodily movement" ratio)

Just good old fashioned hard deliberate fucking. Purposeful fucking.

(I did a bit more research and found out that the hidden camera also caught the principal messing around with another teacher's aide)

And then, just to add fuel to the fire, the reporter tries to get a quote from someone at the Cook County Sheriff's department about possible CRIMINAL charges against the couple!!

COME ON!! It's just a motherfucker fucking in his office!! Where is the victim?

Would you file criminal charges if the principal was sitting in his office doing a crossword puzzle? Or if the two of them were sitting in his office discussing their weekend plans?

Because the harm is the same.

on Tiger Woods:

If you haven’t read the recent news on Tiger Woods, here’s a quick update:

Tiger Woods suffered minor injuries after crashing his SUV into a fire hydrant outside his house at 2:25 on Friday morning. The accident happened at such a low speed that the airbags did not deploy, but nonetheless Woods’ wife broke the back windows with a golf club so he could safely exit the vehicle.

This raised questions about the cause of the collision and why the windows were broken, because if the impact wasn’t enough to deploy his airbags, it probably didn't cause enough damage to prevent him from opening the front door (and almost certainly not enough to prevent him from opening the back door.)

Rumors circulated that Woods had been caught cheating on his wife and was fleeing the house as she smashed the windows of his SUV with a golf club.

A few days after the accident, a woman told the press that she had been having an affair with Woods and had voicemails and text messages to prove it. And since then, women in the nightclub and sex industries have been coming out of the woodwork with similar claims. (p.inc.*2)

On nearly every news website you can find a rant by some columnist claiming that this incident will tarnish Tiger Woods’ image. But the truth is, although many images will be tarnished, Tiger’s image will be just fine.

There is no doubt that Woods will lose some of his endorsement deals. But for every endorsement he loses, he will gain another.

He might lose Gatorade, but he’ll be perfect for a hip new brand of Vodka.

He might lose Accenture, but I imagine there will be a bidding war for him between Trojan and Durex condoms.

He may no longer be the spokesman for the Gillette Mach 3 razor, but it sounds like he’ll be the perfect pitchman for the Gillette Venus woman’s razor.

So although Tiger’s image may change, it won’t necessarily get any worse.

The first image that will actually be tarnished is that of Tiger Woods’ wife.

First of all, lets remember that we’re talking about Tiger Woods. The highest paid, and arguably highest profile athlete on the planet! (with respect to maybe Michael Jordan and Sachin Tendulkar.)

Isn’t his wife overreacting? Did she really need to attack him and cause a car accident that transformed Tiger’s infidelity from a private domestic quarrel into front page national news?

Was she truly surprised to learn that he’d slept with another woman or two? Or hundred?

If she wanted to marry a man who would have been completely faithful, she shouldn’t have married Tiger Woods. She should have married a Tiger Woods fan.

She should have gone to a local sports bar or country club and taken her pick. She should have found a nice middle class man who would have been satisfied coming home to her every night.

She probably shouldn’t have married a young, good looking, extremely competitive and unimaginably wealthy celebrity athlete who spends his nights hanging out in dance clubs with Michael Jordan.

Do you know why men who don’t cheat on their wives, don’t cheat on their wives?

Because for the average faithful man, the opportunity to cheat will only present itself once every few years, and when it does, the man has had plenty of time to see it coming and think about it and know how much it will hurt his wife and know that he can just as easily go home and masturbate and rid himself of the urge and feel great about the fact that he didn’t cheat on his wife.

But for Tiger Woods – he’s probably only met one or two women in the last few years who wouldn’t fuck him. (on the spot.)

(and of those two women who said no, one of them probably only said no because it had to be “on the spot”, she would have gladly stepped into a bedroom or an alley with him)

Every single day of his life, Tiger Woods probably meets at least 10 women who would not only fuck him, but would break their all of their sexual rules for him. They’d probably ask him to do things that they wouldn’t let their last boyfriend – or current boyfriend – do.

How could Tiger Woods not cheat on his wife?

Every man in a relationship has had a moment of weakness or sadness or anger, a moment when he will consider being unfaithful.

But do you know what the average man does when he feels that way? Nothing.

Maybe he’ll watch a little porn, or maybe he’ll go to a bar and get drunk. Maybe he’ll even get drunk and call that woman at the office who always flirts with him, and she’ll think he is creepy for getting drunk and calling him, and their friendship will never be the same.

But you know what Tiger Woods does when he has a moment when he considers being unfaithful? He opens his eyes.

He opens his eyes and sees 10 women eager to fuck him. (and keep it to themselves)

Of course that motherfucker fucks.

Martin Luther King fucked. Gandhi fucked. Thomas Jefferson fucked. JFK fucked. Obama fucks.

Michael Jordan fucked a girl in the back seat of his SUV in the parking lot of a golf course in broad daylight, without a condom.*

Bill Clinton got his dick sucked in the OVAL OFFICE!

(And I’d be willing to bet that he’s far from the only President to have ejaculated in the Oval Office.)

(I’d be willing to bet that more Presidents have ejaculated in the Oval Office than haven’t.)

These are the most ambitious, powerful, competitive alpha men in the world.

If anything, Tiger’s wife should be thankful that he doesn’t have a bunch single moms knocking on his door demanding paternity tests and child support payments.

Tiger’s wife should talk to John Edwards’ wife or Jesse Jackson’s wife what that’s like.

(*I heard a second hand account of the Jordan story)

After Tiger’s wife, the next image to be tarnished will be that of the woman who’s been telling the media about her affair with Woods.

Her days of exchanging text messages and getting fucked by celebrities in Vegas bathrooms are over.

Even regular guys are going to think twice before getting involved with her. What if she gets into a fight with her next boyfriend? Who’s to say she’s not going to tell everyone about all of his sexual irregularities and inadequacies? Or just post all of his private messages on the internet?

Is some guy going to want to take her to his company Christmas party while a bunch of his friends are huddling in the corner saying stuff like, “There’s that woman who fucked Tiger Woods and told everyone about it.”

And then when he introduces her to his friends, they’ll say, “Hey, aren’t you that woman who fucked Tiger Woods and told everyone about it?”

Which leads me to the third reputation that will be tarnished – and this is the reputation that will be MOST tarnished: the reputation of Tiger Woods’ people.

It is safe to assume that Tiger Woods has an army of lawyers, publicists, managers and bodyguards. So why not spend an extra $100,000 a year and hire someone to manage his extramarital affairs?

A guy like Tiger Woods shouldn’t be exchanging text messages with women like this:

A guy like Tiger Woods shouldn’t be leaving voicemails for women who pose for pictures like this, with douche-bags like this:

There has to be an intermediary!

Do you know why we don’t hear stories about Bill Gates having extramarital affairs? Because there is a man on Microsoft’s payroll whose only job is to screen and handle all communications to and from any woman with whom Bill Gates will even consider copulating.

And in Tiger Woods’ situation, he won’t even have to pay the person’s salary. Nike will gladly tell its shareholders that they’ve invested $150,000/year in someone to manage Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs.

(There’s a serious argument for a breach of fiduciary duty lawsuit if it can be shown that someone on Nike’s board knew about this.)

And it’s one thing if a celebrity doesn’t have a manager of extramarital affairs because he is in the midst of a single and longstanding affair with a woman he trusts. (like John Edwards who happened to get caught by someone with a camera (and eventually because he impregnated the woman))

But Tiger Woods was just out there recklessly banging nightclub hostess and reality TV stars. It was downright irresponsible for him to be taking the chances he was taking given how incredibly low his standards had been set, and yet still not to have a competent employee managing his affairs. Tiger Woods should do nothing less than have someone on payroll as a bodyguard who handles all interactions with his mistresses short of a few minutes of flirting and the actual fucking.

(although there is an argument to be made that the affairs manager should also fuck the potential mistress before Woods to make sure that Tiger isn’t in for any unpleasant surprises)

Not all men are faithful, but some are. Some men will gladly sacrifice the thrill of sexual conquest in exchange for the joys of having a monogamous life partner. However, if you’re a woman looking for those types of men, perhaps Nike commercials aren’t the best place to start.

Credit Card Roulette

Here is my advice for those of you considering settling bar tabs by playing credit card roulette:

Don't lose.

State of my Blogroll

I started a new contract project last week. The interesting thing about this one is that the internet on our computers is blocked -- except for two sites: CNN and WebMD (insert your own joke here.) There are about 30 of us in the room and two shared computers that have full internet access for those who want to take a break and surf the web or check e-mail for a few minutes.

One would assume that our internet is blocked to increase productivity, but it actually turns out to be counterproductive because most people end up surfing the web on their phones.

The shared computers are directly to my left, so I can see what people are doing. For the most part there's nothing interesting -- most people just check their e-mail. One highlight was watching a girl check fantasy football.

Another highlight was yesterday when a guy logged into Blogger and edited a post on a blog called Reel Nerds.

I asked him about it and he told me that he and his friends love movies and use their blog to post reviews. He said he was editing a post because one of his friends -- who is a good writer otherwise -- always mixes up "you're" with "your", and "there" with "their", and "it's" with "its".

"Why don't you just tell him?"

"Yeah, I know, but he's really sensitive about this stuff, and I don't think he'd take it well."

Weird.

I didn't press him on it, but I wanted to.

Regardless, I read his blog on my phone for the next half hour and enjoyed the reviews. (although I think they're giving a bit too much credit to Gran Torino.) I'm just going to spoil the ending of Gran Tornio right here so that others don't have to sit through it. In the end, Clint Eastwood gets all of the bad guys to kill him so that they'll get sent to prison and won't be able to bother his neighbor anymore.

Trust me, that was for your own good.

So anyway, I'm adding Reel Nerds to my blogroll. (And in terms of publicity; being added to my blogroll is one step below being a guest on Oprah.)

My blogroll is in a pretty sad state. I hardly know anyone who blogs anymore. I've got half a mind to drop Hansen's blog and add this one, which is basically just baby pictures posted by a guy I barely know. But some of the pics have pretty cool scenery, and he seems like a good enough guy, so it's an option. I just keep Hansen's blog on the blogroll because of the V-Day post.

And how about Oprah leaving Chicago? Crazy.

Chicago is known for two things: R. Kelly and Oprah.

Now what?

I took this picture today from inside the bathroom stall in my office building

But then what am I supposed to do with my shit and piss?

Profoundity

Cindy had just administered a personality test on her cousin Selena. This was their exchange while going over the results

Selena: (somewhat sadly) I think I'm selfish..

Cindy: No, you just have such a high standard of selflessness that every little thing you do for yourself makes you feel selfish.

These are the notes I took in my phone while listening to a podcast of an immigration debate:

You've gotta give credit to the people who go out there and argue in favor of deporting undocumented immigrants; because they have to frame their arguments in such delicate terms in order to avoid sounding racist or arrogant towards poor immigrants.

A guy just said, “Allowing immigrants to enter the US at an unregulated rate could potentially cripple our public schools and healthcare system due to a sudden increase in demand.”

Translation: “Do you really want a bunch of uneducated Mexicans coming into this country and multiplying at triple the rate of whites and Asians?”

...

The first guy arguing in favor of opening up the borders was also speaking carefully when he said, “immigrants have made us a prosperous, dynamic and free country.”

Translation: “Without immigrants; many you people who consider yourselves middle class, would actually be lower class.”

...

I have never seen a Mexican American beggar.

...

Should the argument be that immigration law should somehow reflect the amount of unskilled workers we need?

...

Another delicately spoken quote from one of the panelists in favor of less stringent immigration policies, “We need to open our borders in order to encourage a circular flow. Studies have shown that 80% of Mexican immigrants returned to Mexico, but due to increased enforcement, they now chose to stay in the U.S. for the duration of their lives due to the difficulty of getting back in.”

Translation, “We don’t want a bunch of old Mexicans here. If they’re gonna be here, it might as well be while they’re young and able to work.”

...

Mexican Americans are different from most African Americans because they chose to come to here.

Mexican Americans are different from Asian Americans because they didn’t have to get on a plane to get to here.

...

Actual quote from a different guy in support of less stringent enforcement at the Mexican border – arguing that the money spent there should be spent on more pressing national security concerns:

“The terrorists came in through the front door, and meanwhile we’re sending our resources down there to catch dishwashers and roofers.”

...

Later, the same guy says this while making a similar argument:

“We’ve got terrorists enrolling in flight schools, and meanwhile the government’s using its resources to go after yardsmen and maids and janitors.”

...

Then later, one of the men in favor of strict enforcement of immigration laws argues that part of the rationale behind strict immigration law at all borders is to make sure that “critical American infrastructure remains secure.”

And then the same guy who made the “yardsmen” quote rebuts by saying, “Hey, I like McDonald’s, but it’s not a critical infrastructure that needs to be secure.”

...

My opinion is that immigrants have made this country great, and they are going to come into this country whether it is legal or not, so we might as well save our money on extreme enforcement, and document them so they can start paying taxes.

random BS, because the other post I wrote almost sounds racist so I'm gonna look at it again before I post it, even though it is ABSOLUTELY not racist

I have a pirated copy of Microsoft Word, and I feel guilty about it. But not quite guilty enough to put a check in the mail.

...

“Eachother” is not a word?

I don’t know why, but I’ve always used “eachother” as a word. But Microsoft Word’s spell checker underlines it in red. Sometimes I change it, sometimes I ignore it. But I wonder if eventually I’ll just give in and start changing it every time.

...

Something to think about if you're considering making the switch from a PC to a MAC: if you're really good with shortcuts on your PC keyboard, be prepared to part with a lot of them.

I'm not saying not to switch, but I'm just warning you to prepare for the withdrawal so it doesn’t hit you as hard as it’s hit me.

I really hit rock bottom earlier this week when Cindy suggested a faster way for me to move something around in Excel.

CINDY PARK was telling ME how to move something around in EXCEL!!

I wanted to say to her, "Bitch, I was writing macros without a mouse in standing room only Fortune 100 conference rooms back when you were going to frat parties."

"I used to tell people with heart conditions to look away while I formatted text in Word.”

“I was making spreadsheets so fucking beautiful and symmetrical that a group of them were considered for a seasonal exhibit at the Art Institute.”

(And that last one is not far from the truth.)

(The only thing separating it from the truth is simply me approaching the Art Institute with a few of my spreadsheets seven years ago.)

(So the departure from truth does not effect the impact of the statement.)

(So just read the statement as being true.)

So anyway. Be prepared to lose a lot of that skill and have to relearn it. But don't let that stop you from switching. (So I guess I really don't have much of a point here other than to prepare you for something that you probably don't need to be prepared for.)

(So, sorry for making you read that)

…

The contract attorney lifestyle is not something I ever expected to live.

I had an “interview” with an agency yesterday that was scheduled to go from 11:00 – 11:15 at a Caribou Coffee on Michigan Avenue.

And it didn’t even last until 11:15.

It didn't even last until 11:05.

The interviewer should have just cut the pleasantries and said, "Listen, the only reason we have to meet in person is so I can check your identification and make sure you match the face so that you can't send some desperate law student in to do your job and then tax them 50% of the pay."

And I would have responded, "Trust me, I've thought about that more than you or anyone you know. And I'm not going to do it; but your checking of my ID has absolutely nothing to do with why I'm not doing it."

It goes without saying that at some point I need to develop some kind of skill that will allow me to earn a living.

Nothing I've ever said could have gone without saying more than that.

…

I’ve been eating Indian food less.

Food that is spicy going in, is also going to be a little spicy coming out.

The air in Mumbai actually smells different from the air in the US – it’s unmistakable. And I think part of it might actually have to do with people’s shit and gas.

…

I searched the web for something about the smell in Mumbai and ended up reading someone’s blog entry from last year. I was about to comment, but first clicked a link to read the blog’s latest entry and saw that it hadn’t been updated in over a year. It was kind of sad find a dead blog.

…

Snob in a Restaurant:

(After seeing 15 different entrees listed on the menu)

Me – (to the waitress) Do you have any menus with subheadings?

…

I’d love to meet a white guy with a Chinese Accent.

…

My friend’s girlfriend broke up with him at a concert because he aggressively fondled a girl while she was body-surfing.

I asked him why he did it so blatantly and he said, “I don't know man. I think I uncovered a whole new side of me.”