random shit

I got a letter from my law school yesterday asking for a donation, it started out,

“Dear Ms. Irani,”

I think I’m going to pass on the donation for now.

I am a man. (just in case you didn't know)

Another thing,,, how do you go about selecting a bottle of wine at a liquor store? I was at the grocery store the other day and when I got to the wine section, I was overwhelmed. (well, to put that into perspective, I get overwhelmed when trying to decide what type of beans I want at Chipotle) but still, this is worse. I had no idea what I was looking for. Maybe some brand of wine should market themselves by somehow hinting that their wine will stain your lips and teeth less than others in it’s price range.

Reading a story about Michael Vick's prison sentence, and then remembering that last weekend I was touching a coat at Macy’s that required the fur of eight chinchillas to make, led me to wonder: What separates dogs from other animals? Maybe I should be wondering what separates humans from dogs. I’ve come up with this: Human males can masturbate. That is the primary difference.

In October I worked on a project with seven other contract attorneys. Six male, and one female. For those of you who own a female dog: would you allow your dog to play in a circle with seven un-neutered males?

Because of the restraint the we’ve developed throughout history, we’ve been able to spend our time thinking about other things, like language. ("we" refers to women as well, because now they don't have to spend all of their time running away from sex starved men)

I was about to get on the Metra the other day, (the Metra is a commuter train that travels between the suburbs and the city.) The train has no frills: you get on, sit down, and wait for your stop. One of every four cars has a very small bathroom.

The train had pulled up, but the doors had not yet opened, so there was a line to get on the first car. The lines for the subsequent cars were shorter. As I was waiting for the second car, a man walked up to me, looked over to the line for the first car, and asked, “What’s with the line over there? Are they serving shrimp on that car?”

If he wasn’t serious, he fooled me.

Does any animal on the planet feel like a bigger pussy than the male elephant? Imagine if humans had to be protected from squirrels.

If you’re a single guy, is the first thing you do when you walk into a grocery store: pick up a pack of Magnum XL’s and keep them placed prominently in your cart as you shop? (it can’t hurt, can it?)

Is marijuana a banned substance for competitive eaters?

This is probably the wrong term, but where does the ‘chain of title’ break on a racial joke -- to where telling it is no longer politically correct? For example, if a Mexican guy tells a Mexican joke to a group of white people, it’s ok.

But can one of those white listeners relay that same joke to a group of his white friends? And then defend against accusations of racism by saying, “Hey, a Hispanic guy told me the joke..”

What if it was originally told by a Hispanic guy to a Black guy, and then the black guy tells his minority friends? Is it ok for a minority to relay it to other minorities?

(this happened to me recently, and I said, “no, no, it’s cool, a Hispanic guy told me the joke.”)

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard Obama say, “Everyone should have the opportunity to send their children to a good school.”

Later in the speech he said, “Everyone should have a good job, with a good wage.”

I suppose it wouldn't sound as inspiring had he said, “Everyone should have the opportunity to send their children to an average school.”

Or, “Everyone should have an average job, and with an average wage.”

I was riding on an elevator a few days ago and it occurred to me that today’s elevator with a window, probably would have been an amusement park ride 150 years ago.

If you’re not satisfied with the food from a restaurant or grocery store, can you return it in the form of shit?

One of my friends was recently talking to me about buying a boat. At the same time, I was thinking to myself about trying to get a job cleaning boats.

You know what’s worse than having a garbage disposal?

Not having a garbage disposal.

I should just write one of these ramblings every week. Although that might be too much bullshit even for me to handle.

Maybe every morning at 9:50 am, I should get out of bed, brush my teeth, sit down at my computer, log onto this website, click “New Post”, and type, “I’ll tell you what…” And whatever comes out next, is what the post will be about.

I went to a happy hour last month and was talking to this guy... to make a long story short, he had a multi-page letter written to him by Ted Kaczynski from prison (The Unabomber.) He had the letter ON HIM, on his person. The letter was actually in his pocket while we were having this conversation.

Why? I don’t know. (The question was asked and answered, twice. I know the story behind it, but I don't truly know why.) He was telling me about the unibomber’s philosophy and his writings, and it can be essentially summed up like this: when you read the unabomber's writing, you won’t think to yourself, “wow, that guy is fucking crazy.” If anything, I was actually thinking, “well,, that guy doesn’t not have a point.”

Bet then he detonated bombs in civilian areas and killed innocent people, but I'm telling you, his writing didn't seem that insane. Makes me wonder... Did he have some other shit going on? Did he walk in on his wife licking another man’s asshole? (after she had refused to lick his... even at his insistence)

I explained my idea about a corn skin – or corn lined - jacket to Hambone. His proposed motto for it, “tougher than shit.”

Dirk, I remember when you wrote about an odd back-to-back song pairing on your IPod, I just had a weird one too. Old Dirty Bastard “Brookyn Zoo”, followed by Jack Wagner, “Lovers in the Night.”

Having “ODB” is not abnormal, but that Wagner is ridiculous. I've got it on MP3 format!! I have that shit on my IPod! You can’t even buy that song on I-Tunes. There is one Jack Wagner album being sold on I-Tunes today, and the song I just listened to is from a different album. (Although if I was Steve Jobs and had to pick one Wagner album to sell on I-Tunes, I’d sell the one I have.) (or, I guess, the “All I Need” album if I was in it for the money)

And not only do I have it, but it is ON my Ipod. (It’s on the “Don’t Give up your Day Job” album, for those of you..)

~12 years ago, Darayus and JP bought two Jack Wagner tapes (different albums) at a second hand tunes store in Naperville. They each took one. I don’t remember how they decided to split them up, or why they bought them in the first place (we were big into Melrose Place at the time,, that's probably a start.) Darayus’ tape eventually made it into his car and when the car was given to me, the Wagner tape remained.

I started listening to it. Fuck it, someone took the time to record that music and put it on a tape, so how bad could it be?

It turned out that the songs weren’t too bad, they definitely grew on me. They grew on me to the point where after I had lost the tape, I searched for it heavily online. I searched for it to the point that I was more into finding the songs than I was actually listening to them.

I remember one time before law school, before I met the love of my life (she’s so busy with work that she doesn’t even read this anymore, I could be having an affair and change the theme of this blog to, “a man details the story of his ongoing affair to readers” and the only way she’d find out would be if Julia told her.) Anyway, one night I brought a girl from the bar up to my apartment. We were sitting in Juice’s room (no one was home) (and because he was the only one with a computer.) So we were sitting in the room and I turned on his computer and put on the Jack Wagner.

The Wagner was still playing 10 minutes later; long after she had left.

What’s with movie theaters and the popcorn buttering. It's really not that hard!! Fill the tub with popcorn a quarter of the way, add butter, then add salt. Add another quarter of popcorn, add butter, then salt. Then cover the bowl and shake it. Uncover the bowl, add another ¼ of corn, add butter, then salt, cover and shake again. Then fill it up, add butter, add salt, and it’s ready to serve. That’s really all there is to it!

Does anyone read the comments on this blog? Hansen, left a great one (as usual) on my last post. He essentially declares his love for Hayden Panettierre. I’ve seen pictures of her on a celebrity blog, the only thing I know about her is that she looks very young. I assumed she was on High School Musical, but she actually stars on “Heroes.”

(My viewpoint on very young looking girls is this: I guess I have yet to reach the age where I start to lust after extremely young looking girls)

(And who’s to say that every man reaches that stage, it’s just that men who like very young women are so damn outspoken about it. They’re a serious lobby, and they make themselves heard. They’re like the NRA of men. I don’t think all men are like that.)

For those of you who don’t know Hansen, he’s probably 35, acts like he’s 25 and looks like he’s 45. Smart guy, married, with two children, liberal guy, irrational San Antonio Spurs fan. If you ask him about marriage he’ll tell you, “it’s all about the points system.” (you get points for doing things that contribute to the marriage/family. For example: making dinner or picking up the kids from school could be worth 100 points. And you lose points for doing things that take away from it. So going to a bachelor party in Vegas for the weekend could cost you 10,000 points.) Hansen’s philosophy is that marriage is all about balancing those points and exploring strategies that will maximize your own point total. Hansen seems like a very caring husband and father, although he has his moments, for example, there have been dozens of times when I’ve been sitting next to him drinking beer, playing cards or playing video games when his phone rings. He looks on the caller ID and sees that it’s his wife… He ‘shushes’ everyone in the vicinity, answers the phone, and says, “yeah, I’m still at the library.... Oh I don’t know, I’ve gotta finish this paper, and then I’ve still gotta read for class tomorrow, so it could be a few hours.... Yeah, it’s hard work,,,,,, I know,,,,, no,,, no, I’m ok… It’s the sacrifice I make for our future, I’m fine. I love you too. Bye.”

Hansen’s nickname at school was “Ortho” (because if you had weed, he’d smoke it. A weed killer of sorts.)

So anyway, Hansen is going on about Panettierre, and how hot she looks. I tell him that I think she looks a little young for me. We both assume that she is 17.

I finally tell Hansen, “I like girls closer to my age. 17, that’s just too young.”

He replies, “Too young?? Too young?!?!! 100 years ago, she’d be four or five years too old!!”

“In some parts of the world today she’s four or five years too old.”

I guess he doesn’t not have a point. (although the Unabomber's logic may have been more sound)

I went to Best Buy on wednesday to look at TV’s. I’m almost perfectly happy with the 20 inch Sony I bought in 1997… Although it would be nice to play video games on a wide TV.

So anyway, I’m at Best Buy looking at 32 inch TV’s when this couple walks past and starts looking at the 46 in TV’s. After examining a 46 inch flat panel TV for ~30 seconds, the girl asks her boyfriend, “You don’t think it’s too small?”

There are some guys out there who when you ask them about what they thought of the movie Blood Diamond, they’ll respond, “I don’t know…. I think he did.. Do you think he fucked her?”

What else???