snow

I have a confession to make. Although I know about some of the potentially dangerous consequences, until recently, a big part of me was kind of pulling for global warming.

I'm not kidding.

12 of my last 15 years have been spent living in or around Chicago. And you’re not going to find many anti global warming activists standing at a CTA bus stop in early January.

I have stood on an L train platform countless times, looking into a 30mph freezing wind and reassuring myself by thinking, "Well, once this global warming thing gets going, it won't be so bad out here."

It's been especially cold here lately. The thermometer in my car read -5 a couple of days ago. (and typically the temperature reading on my car is 5 degrees too warm.) We got a short break from the negative temperatures on Tuesday, just long enough for mother nature to drop eight inches of snow on my driveway.

I hadn’t been in the gym for a week or so, and I was looking for an excuse to take a long hot shower, so shoveling my driveway seemed particularly appealing to me at the time. I just had to figure out a way to handle the cold. My problem has always been that I’m just not built for cold weather.

My parents are from India, my grandparents are from India, and my great grandparents are from India. Its been a long time since anyone in my bloodline has felt Chicago style cold (if ever.) The next time some guy who’s half German and half Norwegian tells me that he doesn’t think it’s cold outside, I’ll tell him to go live in Bombay for 200 years, then spend a week in this weather and tell me how it feels.

With that in mind, (and a lot of free time) I decided to plan my outfit before shoveling. (as opposed to my usual, "just get out there and do it as fast as I can.")

Lesson #1 – Swallow your pride.

When you’re out shoveling snow, it’s not about how you look. This is what looked like on Tuesday.

I’ll take you through the anatomy of my outfit step by step. (because what I wore while shoveling snow is very interesting)

First, the gloves. You know those leather, cashmere lined gloves you bought at Nordstrom? The ones you wear to work, and while driving… Leave them inside. Go to a store and buy a pair of waterproof mittens. Swallow your pride. You don’t need to use your fingers while shoveling snow, you only need the opposable thumb.

I was too lazy to go buy mittens, so I wore the biggest gloves I could find. But no matter how thick your gloves are, at some point your fingers will get cold. When mine did, I’d slide my entire hand into the palm of the glove and use it like a mitten. It worked every time. Keeping your fingers together allows them to preserve body heat and stay warm.

Lesson #2 – Swallow your pride.

Wear a ski mask. During the winter, I honestly can't understand why people aren't wearing ski masks every day. I truly don’t. When I walk down the street in January, why isn’t every single person wearing a ski mask? It makes no sense to me. Why wear a hat and scarf, when a ski mask will not only cover your neck and ears, but will cover most of your face?

The new trend is to wear 180’s while going to work in the morning. (by “new” I mean 4 years ago when I last went to work in cold weather) But there's one thing that 180’s don’t cover. Your entire fucking head!

I must warn you, if you walk around with a ski mask on all the time, you will get your fair share of looks. I’ve even had people heckle me from passing cars. But when it comes down to it, the moment a heckler rolls down his car window to yell at me, we both know which one of us is feeling colder. I don’t have to say a word. I just smile, knowing that the objective truth is on my side.

Just because ski masks aren't "hip" right now doesn't mean we shouldn't wear them. Remember when everyone was tight rolling their jeans in the late 80's? Someone had to be the first to stop the stupidity.

Someone has to start the ski mask revival movement. Why not me?

Why not us?

If you’ve got two ski-masks that cover different parts of the face, wear’em both. (Wear'em both even if they cover the same parts of the face, it can't hurt.) The only skin exposed on my face were my eyes and half of my lower lip.

Jacket. Obviously the longest, thickest water proof coat you have should suffice.

Sweater. If you’ve got a turtle neck, wear it. The tighter the better.

Undershirt. Long underwear helps, the tighter the better.

Mine isn't as tight as I'd like it to be, but I've got a shirt underneath.

Lesson #3 – Swallow your pride.

Weight-belt. You can either be the guy who wore a weight-belt while shoveling snow. Or you can be the guy who threw out his back while shoveling snow. I’ve made my choice.

Make sure you strap it on tight. It will help keep your lower back straight while bending over to scoop snow. It only takes one awkward movement to injure your back. (I’ve seen it happen on driveways before)

(disclaimer, if you’re reading this in a place like Kentucky or Tennessee or some other state where "snowfall" means three inches of powder, then obviously you won’t need the belt. But for those of us in the North who are out there lifting driveways full of tight frozen snow,, you can get a good belt for $25 at your local sporting goods store.) (this is the one I have http://www.altusathletic.com/product_default3.asp?product_id=16)

Shoes. I know guys who wear three pairs of socks and Air Force Ones. Not a good idea. Water will get through sneakers, and once the socks get wet you're in serious trouble. Boots will give you much better traction, and it takes a set of circumstances to unfold for water to find its way in. Buy a pair of Timberlands. They come in handy more than you'd expect. I’ve had mine since 2002, and they hold up just as strong as they ever did. I might ask to be buried in them.

http://www.timberland.com/product/index.jsp?productId=1776446&cp=1779791.1761081.1761136&parentPage=family (they’re cheaper in stores, and I bought a darker color, because they’ll fade into the lighter color eventually)

Lesson #4 – Swallow your pride.

Long underwear bottoms. Unless you’ve got some snow pants, I’d suggest slipping into your tightest pair. They make a big difference.

It took me ~30 minutes to shovel my driveway, I was so warm that I even shoveled part of my neighbor’s sidewalk. I was so warm that afterwards I walked outside for a few minutes with my ski masks off and my jacket unzipped, just to could get a little cooler in preparation for the hot shower.

Now that I've understood how to live with the cold weather. I can honestly be against global warming.

Maybe.