The Bachelor - Handicapping the Field III

RIP Ashlee

From the beginning of last night's episode Ashlee was clearly doomed. Sean narrated video montages of each girl and essentially explained that he has fun with Lindsay and Catherine, but Ashlee was merely a nice person who loved him very much. I assumed they had some good times earlier in the season, but apparently they hadn't.

At this point almost every situation is interesting but painfully awkward to watch because they're in such a peculiar setup with cameras following their every move, yet they have very intense feelings for each other.

I'll bullet point a few quick thoughts before revealing the highly anticipated odds:

- The date with Lindsay involved going to a local market in Thailand and eating street food. Is it ok for Americans to eat Thai street food? If I was a contestant on the Bachelor, there'd be a greater likelihood of me jumping in the icy lake (from a couple of episodes ago) than eating Thai street food on a date I'm hoping to turn romantic.

- Lindsay told Sean she loves him, and he replied, "I love hearing you say that." 

- When the field is narrowed to three, the women are given the option of spending the night alone with Sean in "The Fantasy Suite." If there was a documentary film about the moment the Bachelor writers came up with the idea to call the room "The Fantasy Suite" I'd watch it in a theater.

--- Lindsay and Sean clearly have the most sexual chemistry, and she gladly accepted the "key" to the suite

--- Ashlee wasn't comfortable having sex with Sean knowing he would be sexing two other women that week, so they agreed to go into The Fantasy Suite and stay up all night and talk

--- Catherine questioned how she'd appear in the eyes of others if she had sex with Sean in The Fantasy Suite, but the experience made her realize that her portrayal on television was secondary to her feelings for Sean, so she accepted the key as well

- Are these overnight dates taking place on consecutive days? Is Sean porking Lindsay on a Monday night and then going back to his room Tuesday morning, brushing his teeth, showering, getting dressed and picking up Ashlee for her date?

- Ashlee pretty much dug her own grave by telling Sean exactly what kind of engagement ring she wanted (cushion cut center-stone, encircled by smaller ones, size 6.5.) (And then shortly after she said she didn't want to have sex with him.) The entire Bachelor setup is unusual:  Would I blame a girl who's known a guy for a month for not sleeping with him -- knowing he's sleeping with two other women the same week? Of course not. I'd think she was weird for sleeping with him. But there seems to be a clear presumption on The Bachelor that they're supposed to have sex on the overnight date, because the next step is a marriage proposal.

But I don't think Ashlee's decision to not have sex made a difference, she was doomed before the night began, but who knows, maybe if she had wowed him in bed he would have kept her. But I can't imagine it's easy to show a guy Sean something he hasn't already seen in a bed.

(And I'm going to put this out there, and not everyone is going to agree with it, but I want it known as a possibility: by Ashlee's reaction to being eliminated --- that first glare --- it is very possible that Sean finagled his way into bed with her, and then eliminated her.)

On to the handicapping:

Catherine - 3-2

If you're a contestant on The Bachelor, you're probably crazy, and while Catherine is far from being an exception to this rule, I think she challenges Sean in a way Lindsay doesn't. Lindsay seems to agree with everything he says and goes along with whatever he wants, and although Catherine does a lot of the same, she does a little bit less of it.

Lindsay - 2-1

They adore each other, their families will likely get along, and she's ready to settle down and start popping out kids. If Sean proposes, there's a much greater likelihood he'll stay married to Lindsay, but I think Sean might take the chance with Catherine (it's not like he really has to marry her)

The Bachelor, Handicapping the Field II

R.I.P. Desiree

AshLee and Lindsay fans rejoice after Desiree's brother costs the 2-1 favorite her rose.

For those who didn't watch, Desiree's brother showed up to the family dinner looking like he came straight from a multi-year stint at the L.A. County Correctional Center and then promptly declared that he didn't trust Sean. As a fellow older brother, I sympathize with being protective of a younger sister, but his logic about not wanting Sean to break Desiree's heart was a bit off. Whether Sean eliminated Desiree last night, or a few weeks from now, her heart would be broken by an elimination. It's not like this was Episode 1. A woman doesn't sign up to be on The Bachelor in 2013 lest she knows what she's in for.

Give the girl a chance. The further she got, the greater the likelihood of her being the next Bachelorette. Maybe her brother wanted to blatantly cost her the rose so she wouldn't look back at the experience and blame herself, but I don't give him that much credit.

Desiree is not free of blame. Based on her brother's appearance---tattoo's covering his right arm all the way down to his fingers---and vernacular---"let me holla at you"---he was clearly a dumbass and she should have had the sense to speak to him before dinner and make sure he didn't embarrass her any more than his appearance already would. I'd imagine if the brother had shown up looking a bit less threatening and calmly explained to Sean that a very low percentage of Bachelor relationships tend to work out and therefore he was naturally skeptical of their relationship and protective of his sister, I think Sean would have respectfully disagreed, vowed to prove him wrong, and thought no less of Desiree. But that's not how it went down.

(And I hate to be the extremely nit-picky asshole who has no right to be nit-picky, but I think Desiree has an ever-so-slight case of cankles---which of course most men would overlook, but Sean is not most men.)

On to the handicapping.

Ashlee - 5-2



Pro's: her looks, shared Texas heritage, they're both preacher's kids, and she clearly loves him and would be ready to settle down and start a family tomorrow

Con's: all of their conversations seem to be about how much she loves Sean. Watching her say "I love you" and then watching him not respond in-kind makes me cringe (it makes me cringe just to type it)


Lindsay - 5-2



Pro's: Sean clearly has fun with her and seems to laugh the most with her

Con's: Perhaps this experience is showing me that I am more judgmental about bad tattoos than I ever knew because I just can't get around those tats. It demonstrates a lack of sound judgement. (And whoever does her makeup should be fired --- and if she does her own makeup, the person who lets her go on tv with that makeup should be fired (someone should be fired.)) And I thought the whole dressing-up-in-army-clothes-and-doing-exercises was very ill-timed. The guy had just drank a couple of beers and ate cupcakes, and then she was going to make the motherfucker do pushups and situps? (Poor judgment, but makes sense coming from a girl with big wrist and foot tattoos.)


Catherine - 3-1

Pro's - For Sean to get past the forthcoming Con's, he must have some very deep feelings for Catherine

Con's - Catherine's sisters came a couple of steps short of saying she was bipolar and completely uninterested in commitment


The water got a bit muckier for Sean this week. He lost the woman who may have been his best match; Catherine is appearing crazier by the minute; the abundance of "I love you"s from AshLee is nothing short of troubling (I can see her being the type who flips out whenever her boyfriend talks to an attractive woman for more than a minute); and is he really going to marry the girl who came out in a wedding gown on Episode 1? It's a tight battle.

Speaking of tight, we'll have a better handle on things after the overnight dates next week. (I just watched the behind-the-scenes special and the host pretty much asked Sean whether he planned on having sex with the women on the overnight dates -- and Sean replied with something to the effect of "a gentleman never tells.") (Not to get too graphic, but I imagine Sean has an abnormally large penis. My friends with large penises say that not all women can handle them equally. This can matter.)

See you next week.

The Bachelor, handicapping the field

In the fall of 2002 I watched almost every episode of The Bacherlorette Season 1 (Trista/Ryan), but that was the extent of my Bachelor/Bachelorette viewing history. But then I watched The Bachelor for the first time last week, and I'm hooked, so lets get started.

According to Parade magazine only three out of twenty-four Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants are still married. (Trista and Ryan are one of them) (I take pride in that.) (I was rooting for Ryan.)

Quick notes on this year's bachelor before I get to the handicapping, Sean (29, entrepreneur, former college football player):

1) He's smarter than he looks.
2) He's smarter than he looks.
3) Prior to last week I had no concept of the frequency and intensity of make-out sessions on The Bachelor. Maybe it's a man vs woman thing, but I don't remember Trista having nearly as many. The Bachelor website even has a kiss leaderboard. I remember it being a big deal when Tom Cruise french-kissed Kelly McGillis in Top Gun, but Sean does it at least five times per episode.
4) I kind of feel sorry for Sean because he has reached the point where the remaining contestants all seem to have real feelings for him (or for winning the competition), and he realizes this, so whenever he cuts one, he knows he is truly hurting her. Cindy hates that I feel sorry for him because he brought this upon himself (and she's right, he totally leads them on, but I can't help feeling bad.) And I feel bad for the women too because they're in such a vulnerable position, but I suppose at this point any woman who goes on The Bachelor knows what she's in for (including the dehumanization that i'm about to do)
5) That said, Sean is not the least bit shy about having long, deep, passionate make out sessions with multiple girls in the same night. At the end of last week's episode he made out with three or four women during the cocktail hour.


To say that I'm fairly adept at picking who Sean is going to cut would be akin to saying Barack Obama is fairly adept at public speaking (for proof of this, ask Cindy while she's cooking me the two breakfasts she owes from last night's Bachelor betting.)

OK, so here's what you've all been waiting for. I will handicap the remaining field, and to to unravel some of the mystery behind the odds, I'll provide a short write up and rank them 1-4 in a few categories:

(Note: The rankings are by favorability, 4 is best, 1 is worst. For craziness: 4 is least crazy, and 1 is craziest. And I acknowledge that my rankings are extremely shallow and based on very limited knowledge, but all I've got is the information provided by the show.)


Desiree (26, Bridal Stylist) - 2-1

Desiree and Sean clearly have chemistry, and if Sean decides he doesn't want to propose to any of these women, Desiree's backstory about growing up in poverty makes her the sentimental favorite and would make Sean look like a good guy for picking her and then quietly breaking up with her a few months later. (I thought about dropping her to 3-1 after seeing the preview of next week's show where Sean almost gets into a fistfight with her brother, but Des remains the favorite at 2-1.)

Looks: 2
Personality: 4
Craziness: 4
Physical Chemistry: 2 (5 makeouts)

Total Score: 12


Ashlee (32, Personal Organizer) - 3-1

Arguably the best looking contestant remaining, and doesn't seem too crazy, but definitely crazy. The way she stood up on the chair and shouted "I love you Sean!!" during dinner on the beach date was probably weird even by The Bachelor's relaxed standards (and would---of course---be an absolute no-questions-asked dealbreaker on a real second date.) And then later they were making out and she stopped for a second and said, "I love you." To which he responded, "I know you do."

She and Sean are both from Texas, but she's three years older, which wipes out the Texas advantage. (And I feel like Texas is similar to Islamic nations in terms of wanting their women to get started especially young.) Also the way Ashlee built up her bombshell confession at the last dinner made me think she was going confess to something crazy like starring in adult films as a teen, but instead she just said she was married at 17 and divorced by 19. She was a confused kid who had been abandoned by her parents and fell into the arms of some dumbass and quickly came to her senses, big deal. If anything I gave her credit for getting out of the marriage. (But again, maybe stuff like this is a big deal in Texas.)

Looks: 4
Personality: 2
Craziness: 2
Physical Chemistry: 3 (6 makeouts)

Total Score: 11


Catherine (26, Graphic Designer) - 4-1

I think she's better looking than Ashlee (but give Ashlee the edge because I imagine a guy like Sean prefers the white woman with fake boobs (Cindy says they're fake, I didn't notice.) (Are they fake?)) But Catherine's got some baggage. Last week she cried and told Sean about how she was traumatized by watching her friend get crushed by a falling tree when she was 12, and this week she explained how she was traumatized by her father attempting suicide in front of her when she was 14. And at the end of last night's episode she cried because she felt the girl who Sean cut had more in common with Sean than she did (which seemed bizarre on many fronts.) She and Sean seem to get along well, but the crazy flags are waving and minorities don't tend to do well on reality tv.

Looks: 3
Personality: 3
Craziness: 2
Physical Chemistry: 1 (4 makeouts)

Total Score: 9


Lindsay (24, Substitute Teacher) - 6-1




Lindsay has kind of a big tattoo on the inside of her wrist and kind of a huge tattoo on her foot. She supposedly showed up to Episode One wearing a wedding gown. And Sean's gotta be wondering why she's still substitute teaching: she says she likes to draw, so you'd think her looks alone could get her a full time gig teaching elementary school art somewhere. There's a very strong physical chemistry between her and Sean (she's the leader in makeouts) and maybe that means more to the former football player than anything else. I can see her surviving one more round, but I can't picture Sean getting down on one knee and staring at that big wrist-tattoo and knowing his parents are watching and then sliding a ring on her finger.

Looks: 1
Personality: 1
Craziness: 2
Physical Chemistry: 4 (7 makeouts)

Total Score: 8

...

While I cannot guarantee results, I think you can feel confident using these odds for guidance in your Bachelor betting opportunities.

Music Week - Feedback Monday

Music Week : Blogging
Woodstock : Outdoor Rock Concerts

(B. Core)

Music Week - first Friday

I am rarely certain of anything.

But I am fairly certain about the following two sentences.

1) You have never heard THIS SONG.

2) I've listened to THAT SONG over 50 times.

bonus:

3) I could hum you a melody from over 75% of the songs on that album.

Music Week® roars on!

Despite Google's repeated warnings about traffic from Music Week® overwhelming their servers,

Notes from a Prudent Man proudly presents,

Rock and Roll's Top Five Odes to Black Women:

Preface - There have been countless mediocre but more direct attempts to celebrate black women in Rock and Roll's long history (like Island Girl by Elton John and Black Pearl by Bryan Adams), but to earn a spot my top 5, it must be a truly great song.

So without further interruption, Notes from a Prudent Man brings you, Rock and Roll's Top Five Odes to Black Women:

5. Angel of Harlem - (U2) On the surface this may sound like a tribute to a specific black woman (Billie Holliday) but underneath it's Bono's contribution to discrediting the widely held perception that all Irishmen are all lazy, hot-tempered, racist, drunken, undersexed, obnoxious-even-when-sober, uneducated heathens by showing that not only can an Irishman write a beautiful song, and not only can an Irishman cherish the memory of a talented black woman, but that he -- Bono himself -- lusts after all beautiful black women, so they should accept Angel of Harlem as an overture and approach him freely.

4. Hungry Like the Wolf - (Duran Duran) The lyrics do not explicitly address the race of woman on whom the songwriter seeks to perform cunnilingus, but the video makes it very clear. In my humble opinion, this video was a seminal step---if not THE seminal step---in interracial sexual relations for multiple generations.

3. Black Betty - (Ram Jam) This song is a cover, and the original meaning of the term Black Betty is heavily disputed (from a musket, to a bottle of whiskey, to a whip, to a paddy wagon), but Ram Jam's version is clearly about a black woman:

She's from Birmingham (Bam-ba-Lam)
Way down in Alabam' (Bam-ba-Lam)
Well, she's shakin' that thing (Bam-ba-Lam)
Boy, she makes me sing (Bam-ba-Lam)

Don't overlook "she makes me sing" as a cliche. What can make you burst into song? The answer for most men is, "Maybe a hot shower and an empty apartment" or "Maybe a few whiskeys and a karaoke machine." But the answer for Ram Jam is, "A pulchritudinous black woman shaking her asshole."

2. Brown Sugar - (Rolling Stones) What starts as a crude lesson on the sexual history of black women in America from the viewpoint of their rapists, turns into an uplifting story of perseverance culminating with a black woman triumphantly having consensual sex with Jagger himself. After the history lesson, Mick elevates the disquisition by demonstrating his reverence for black women through rhetorical questioning like, "How come you dance so good?" and "How come you taste so good?" And because answering such questions would require no less than solving the mysteries of life itself, Mick simply declares that it's "Just like a black girl should."

1. Cinnamon Girl - (Crazyhorse) The lyrics are vague, but in addition to the title, the plea to his father at the end proves the song is meant to express his adoration for a black woman:

Pa send me money now,
I'm gonna make it somehow,
I need another chance,
you see your baby loves to dance.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is clearly a reference to Neil's lovechild who, like his black mother, also loves to dance. (See songs #2 and #3 for further insight into the white man's perceptions of a black woman's proclivity for dancing.) The verse is also an attempt at directing awareness to the overly harsh punishment of being cut off from all parental financial support that was being bravely faced by many young white men stricken with the proverbial taste for chocolate (if I may be so bold) in the late '60's and early '70's.

In sum: If you've ever wanted to know what Rock and Roll is all about, then you should watch this live performance of Cinnamon Girl.


...

Appendix: Notable stuff I came across on the youtube sidebar today:

- Susana Hofs cover of Feel Like Makin Love: I didn't care for the Bangles when I was a kid, but that's probably because I assumed they were poppy like the Go-Go's. Had an 11 year-old me known about Hofs' stripper-esque performances, who knows how my masturbatory life may have been altered. What does her rabbi say when she walks into temple for the first time after this performance? The most popular comment to this video is, "If there is reincarnation, I wanna come back as her Mic stand."

(And what is that growling sound effect at 1:39 after the first "Feel like mae - kin - love - to - you"?) (And note the guitar player's face at 2:13)

(And note the change in Youtube's sidebar suggesting style. When watching a music video in past years, the sidebar would only show other versions of the same song, and if other versions didn't exist, it would show different songs by the artist, but now Youtube wants us to branch out. Prior to this suggestion, at no point today had I watched any video by Hofs or the Bangles or Bad Company, or any version of Feel Like Makin Love. [But I did subsequently watch Kid Rock's cover of Feel Like Makin Love -- which might be worth watching only for how hard his drummer rocks {or for fans of the erotic, maybe for the airplane bathroom threesome at end in which Rock plays the male lead.}])

- Type O Negative's cover of Cinnamon Girl: Painful for the most part, but has it's moments. Many commenters definitively state that this version is better than the original -- which I suppose is as convincing a demonstration as any that the inability to be objectively judged is what makes something a work of art. The lead singer is an interesting character (may he rest in peace) and worth reading about if you're desperate.

- After considering using the term "nubian princess" in this entry, I realized I didn't know anything about Nubia, so I googled it (it's a region in East Africa.) But Google's first hit for "nubian princess" was a real prostitute's website. Well, maybe I shouldn't say "prostitute" because according to her site, her fees are for her "time, travel, modeling, and pleasurable conversation." She emphasizes that her "companionship" is free. 

Is this really all it takes to circumvent prostitution laws? If I was a pimp and wanted to attract the biggest spenders, I'd make all my prostitutes become licensed therapists, thereby making the "paying for conversation" defense --- if not air-tight, at least --- much tighter.

- I acknowledge that Rock and Roll purists may question my inclusion of Duran Duran, but I stand behind it. Rock and Roll is broad; some argue it's a state of mind. Here's Hungry Like the Wolf live (this video probably won't change many minds, but it'll reinforce the beliefs of those who were already on my side.) 

Many will argue that in terms of black/white sexual relations, the release date for the Hungry Like the Wolf video is akin to the birth of Christ.

- Here is another verse from Black Betty: 

She really gets me high (bam-A-lam)
You know that's no lie (bam-A-lam)
She's so rock steady (bam-A-lam)
And she's always ready (bam-A-lam)

I have heard -- strictly anecdotally -- that black men have shorter refractory periods than their white counterparts, and perhaps Ram Jam is hinting that black women share a similar level of satiability

- The number of Do No Harm trailers I've seen on YouTube tonight while writing this: at least 5 

- The number of Do No Harm episodes I expect will air before it gets cancelled: no more than 5

- Speaking of the Do No Harm trailers, it plays a cover of The Real Me (link is to the original.) It's weird, but I don't mind when a great song is used to promote a mediocre product: this is the ultimate example of that for me (here's the song alone) The commercial promotes the song, and I don't blame a band like The New Pornographer's for selling, I can't imagine the difficulty of earning a living as a musician these days.

(Like A Rock might be a prime example of this.) (Here's the song alone.)

- For the sake of whatever you believe in, watch this live performance of Cinnamon Girl again. Neil Young couldn't look any worse -- he's overweight, ugly by almost any standard, dressed more like a bum than a rockstar, has the haircut of an 65 year-old woman, and he couldn't be much clumsier, but look at his effect on those women. And it cuts even deeper when you realize there's not a single black woman in the audience --- which is the battle Neil is desperately fighting by continuing to perform this song. (And a battle that is won 12 years later when Hungry Like the Wolf plays on televisions around the world.)