Random stuff I overheard:

I overheard this conversation between a guy and a girl on the train yesterday:

Guy – You know, you remind me of a girl I used to date.

Girl – Oh, really?

Guy – Yeah. You look just like her – you’re bigger,, but other than that, you look just like her.

Girl – (confused)

Guy – You’re definitely bigger though.

**

I was crossing an alley this afternoon and witnessed a robbery in progress, this is what I overheard:

Robber – Give me your wallet!

Guy – (shaking with fear, quickly hands over his wallet)

Robber – And the cell phone, give me your cell phone.

Guy – Aw come on, you’re not going to be able to use it, and it’s got all of my phone numbers

Robber – (cocks his gun) Give me the motherfucking cell phone!

Guy – (hands over his iPhone) Ok, ok

Robber – (Points his gun at a cup in the guy’s hand) What’s that?

Guy – What’s what?

Robber – Motherfucker, what’s in your hand!?

Guy – (speaking quickly and stuttering) It’s, it’s a cup, it’s Starbucks,

Robber – You tryin to be smart with me motherfucker!?! I can see that it’s Starbucks!

Guy – Huh? Huh? Whwhwh what do you want?

Robber – What’s IN the cup!?!?

Guy– Uh, uh, it’s it’s a vanilla latte,,, a skinny vanilla latte

Robber – Is there any soy milk in that shit?

Guy – Huh? Soy milk? Uhhh, no. I mean, I don’t think so.

Robber – Give it to me.

Guy – What?

Robber – Give me the motherfucking latte!

Guy – (hesitates out of fear of making a sudden movement)

Robber – Do you wanna die for that latte?

Guy – (begins to regain his composure) Aw come on man, you’re gonna kill me for a latte?

Robber – (hesitates for a moment) I’m gonna kill you for a latte because you just asked whether I’d kill you for a latte!

Guy – Come on man, there’s over $100 and two credit cards in my wallet, you can buy yourself a latte!

Robber – (Points the gun at the guy’s head and speaks slowly) But I want your latte.

Guy – Fuck you man. Go ahead, kill me for the fucking latte.

Robber – (presses the barrel of the gun against the guy’s head) What did you just say to me?

Guy – …

Robber – Motherfucker I will shoot you if you don’t give me that latte right now, how does that sound?

Guy – Go ahead then, shoot me.

Robber – (breathing harder, pauses for a second and then closes his eyes in thought)

Guy – Are you gonna do it or not?

Robber – (fires the gun and kills the guy instantly)

(the guy falls to the ground)

Robber – Fuck!

(nudges the body with his foot to make sure he's dead)

Robber – (shaking his head and whispering to himself) Stupid, stupid…

Robber – (panics, readies himself to run, but stops and looks around for witnesses; then starts to walk away but notices the latte beginning to spill on the ground)

Robber – (quickly looks around, then whispers) Shit.

Robber – (pauses and then quickly picks up what’s left of the latte and takes a sip)

Robber – (purses his lips together and takes another sip)

Robber – (tilts his head a little to the right, gently nods in approval and shrugs)

(A sizzling sound breaks the silence. Steam begins to rise from the ground as the guy’s warm brain oozes onto the cold pavement.)

Robber – (takes his own cell phone out of his pocket, makes a call, and waits for an answer)

Robber – (into the phone) Ok, do you want the good news or the bad news?

**

I work in an office with 30 other contract attorneys. The other office on our floor is some kind of sales/publishing company (I’m not sure what they do: the word “publishing” is in their title, but when I hear the people from their office discussing work, they’re usually talking about “making their numbers.”)

I was walking to the bathroom last week and noticed one of the single guys from my office approach one of the girls from the publishing company. This was the conversation I overheard:

Guy – Hey, do you work in the office next door?

Girl – Yeah,

Guy – Oh wow, I would have never guessed. I mean, I just assumed that a girl who looks like you would be a supermodel, or an actress, or a porn star…

Girl – (confused silence)

(I continued walking past them and towards the bathroom)

Guy – … or a bartender or hostess at a nightclub, or a small town news anchor, or a model for a car stereo magazine or maybe a low-rider magazine…

Girl – (confused silence)

(I went into the bathroom and took a leak and washed my hands and then came out)

Guy – … or working boat shows, or stripping, or selling pharmaceuticals, or giving full body massages…

Girl – (confused silence)

Guy – … or fuck it, even hooking, or something, anything that involves your looks.

Girl – (confused silence and almost looks offended)

Guy – So listen, you wanna grab a drink after work today?

Girl – (confused silence)

Guy – is that a yes?

Girl – What time do you get off work?

Guy – 5:00

Girl – I’ll meet you here at 5:01

**

On the bus:

Guy – (to a girl who just got on the bus and stood in front of him) Has anyone ever told you that you look like Roseanne, from that TV show in the ‘90’s?

**

In a steakhouse:

Waitress – (to a man who just ordered a steak) And how would you like that steak cooked sir?

Man – Room temperature is fine.

Waitress – I’m sorry sir?

Man – Would you mind taking it out of the refrigerator now so that it gets up to room temperature before I eat it. I don’t like cold steak.