Nature

I got on the elevator after work last Monday with a girl from my office. We had met once before at a happy hour and I found her to be friendly and talkative, not necessarily outgoing, but very genuine. Almost bubbly. She was younger – probably 26 – and pretty good looking.

She smiled and asked, “Do you have anything exciting planned for the evening?”

“No, just some Christmas shopping.”

“Oh, do you still have a lot of shopping to do?”

“No, just one last gift for my fiancé, but I’m not sure what to get.”

She smiled and lowered her voice a little and said, “You should get her something shiny.”

I smiled back and thought about the engagement ring I bought a few months earlier and said, “Well, I’ve already gotten her something shiny this year.”

She looked down at her bare ring finger and her smile grew. She began to stare off into space and seemed to fall into a daydream.

“Yeah” she said softly as she stared past me, “When someone gets me one of those…”

She continued, “When someone gets me one of those… I won’t need any presents from him ever again.”

I paused for a second, and then said, “Yes you will.”

She looked up at me and thought about it, and then I continued, “You will. Trust me.”

She thought about it some more, and then giggled and said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

I have complacently worked as a contract attorney for the last three years:

On my current project, I work in a room with 35 other contract attorneys. We each have a computer, and sit two per table. The tables are lined up in two columns, with everyone facing the front. My table is in the very back. Our dress code is lax, we can wear jeans – although some people choose to dress business casual.

I was discussing TV shows with the two guys in front of me and the girl next to me. (All of us were wearing jeans.) The conversation started on the topic of The Wire, and then Lost, and then why network shows can’t be compared to HBO shows, and then back to Lost.

The supervising attorney had been out of the room for most of the morning so we were past the point of trying to speak quietly. (And even when the supervisor is there, quiet talking is acceptable.)

Eventually, an attorney who sits towards the front of the room got up and walked over and stood next to our tables. He wore a button down dress shirt and slacks. He paused for a moment, and then said,

“Hey, can you guys keep it down a little bit?”

We all looked up at him, fully aware that we were being loud, but nonetheless in awe of our more serious peer’s courage to come ask us to keep it down.

After a short pause, he continued, “It’s just that I haven’t seen season five yet, and I’m sitting up there terrified that I’m going to overhear something from you guys.”

at Wabash and Lake

(taken down to proofread)

A Conversation I thought I was going to overhear today:

“Hey, can I ask you a question? -- It’s just to settle a bet, and I don’t meant for it to be offensive in any way.”

“,,, Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Are you a man, or a woman?”

on the heels of the Tiger Woods post, since I'm still in that mindset

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18096314/

Ok, this happened a couple of years ago, but I randomly came upon it for the first time just now and it's funny for a bunch of reasons -- however, to make a long post short, here's the gist: someone planted a hidden camera in an elementary school principal's office and caught him having sex with a teacher (multiple times.) Then that person put the sex scenes on a DVD and mailed it to all of the schoolchildren's parents five days before school board elections.

(The political strategy should have backfired because I don't think anyone would want to vote for a candidate who bugs a principal's office and then mass mails his sex tape.)

Anyway, the best part is when you click on the video that accompanies the article.

It starts with a blurred out clip from the sex tape and a reporter immediately referring to it as "shocking and disturbing."

I understand that news organizations have to make stories seem controversial in order to get viewers, but "shocking and disturbing"?

It was just two people having sex. Surprising; yes. Daring; yes. An inefficient use of time; yes. Perhaps not the best display of professional judgment (if they were making a lot of noise); yes. Shocking and disturbing; no.

Anyway, for that first shot, the blurring works. Then they cut to an enraged mom (who is probably doing it up for the camera) for a sound bite, and then cut back to a blurred out version of the sex tape. But the second time, the blurring doesn't quite do the job.

Although you can't actually see what's going on, you can clearly see the blurred colors vibrating to the sexual rhythm. To the rhythm of the man's pumping. (and he's pumping pretty fast)

Then they cut back to the angry woman, and then back to the blurred sex tape, and this third time you can really see the rhythm of the pumping (look at the center of the blur.) Again, you can't see anything, but you can see the color vibrating to the rhythm and speed of the gyration.

And you can tell this guy is a pro because there's not much of wasted movement or flailing around, he was very efficient. (a very high "friction / bodily movement" ratio)

Just good old fashioned hard deliberate fucking. Purposeful fucking.

(I did a bit more research and found out that the hidden camera also caught the principal messing around with another teacher's aide)

And then, just to add fuel to the fire, the reporter tries to get a quote from someone at the Cook County Sheriff's department about possible CRIMINAL charges against the couple!!

COME ON!! It's just a motherfucker fucking in his office!! Where is the victim?

Would you file criminal charges if the principal was sitting in his office doing a crossword puzzle? Or if the two of them were sitting in his office discussing their weekend plans?

Because the harm is the same.

on Tiger Woods:

If you haven’t read the recent news on Tiger Woods, here’s a quick update:

Tiger Woods suffered minor injuries after crashing his SUV into a fire hydrant outside his house at 2:25 on Friday morning. The accident happened at such a low speed that the airbags did not deploy, but nonetheless Woods’ wife broke the back windows with a golf club so he could safely exit the vehicle.

This raised questions about the cause of the collision and why the windows were broken, because if the impact wasn’t enough to deploy his airbags, it probably didn't cause enough damage to prevent him from opening the front door (and almost certainly not enough to prevent him from opening the back door.)

Rumors circulated that Woods had been caught cheating on his wife and was fleeing the house as she smashed the windows of his SUV with a golf club.

A few days after the accident, a woman told the press that she had been having an affair with Woods and had voicemails and text messages to prove it. And since then, women in the nightclub and sex industries have been coming out of the woodwork with similar claims. (p.inc.*2)

On nearly every news website you can find a rant by some columnist claiming that this incident will tarnish Tiger Woods’ image. But the truth is, although many images will be tarnished, Tiger’s image will be just fine.

There is no doubt that Woods will lose some of his endorsement deals. But for every endorsement he loses, he will gain another.

He might lose Gatorade, but he’ll be perfect for a hip new brand of Vodka.

He might lose Accenture, but I imagine there will be a bidding war for him between Trojan and Durex condoms.

He may no longer be the spokesman for the Gillette Mach 3 razor, but it sounds like he’ll be the perfect pitchman for the Gillette Venus woman’s razor.

So although Tiger’s image may change, it won’t necessarily get any worse.

The first image that will actually be tarnished is that of Tiger Woods’ wife.

First of all, lets remember that we’re talking about Tiger Woods. The highest paid, and arguably highest profile athlete on the planet! (with respect to maybe Michael Jordan and Sachin Tendulkar.)

Isn’t his wife overreacting? Did she really need to attack him and cause a car accident that transformed Tiger’s infidelity from a private domestic quarrel into front page national news?

Was she truly surprised to learn that he’d slept with another woman or two? Or hundred?

If she wanted to marry a man who would have been completely faithful, she shouldn’t have married Tiger Woods. She should have married a Tiger Woods fan.

She should have gone to a local sports bar or country club and taken her pick. She should have found a nice middle class man who would have been satisfied coming home to her every night.

She probably shouldn’t have married a young, good looking, extremely competitive and unimaginably wealthy celebrity athlete who spends his nights hanging out in dance clubs with Michael Jordan.

Do you know why men who don’t cheat on their wives, don’t cheat on their wives?

Because for the average faithful man, the opportunity to cheat will only present itself once every few years, and when it does, the man has had plenty of time to see it coming and think about it and know how much it will hurt his wife and know that he can just as easily go home and masturbate and rid himself of the urge and feel great about the fact that he didn’t cheat on his wife.

But for Tiger Woods – he’s probably only met one or two women in the last few years who wouldn’t fuck him. (on the spot.)

(and of those two women who said no, one of them probably only said no because it had to be “on the spot”, she would have gladly stepped into a bedroom or an alley with him)

Every single day of his life, Tiger Woods probably meets at least 10 women who would not only fuck him, but would break their all of their sexual rules for him. They’d probably ask him to do things that they wouldn’t let their last boyfriend – or current boyfriend – do.

How could Tiger Woods not cheat on his wife?

Every man in a relationship has had a moment of weakness or sadness or anger, a moment when he will consider being unfaithful.

But do you know what the average man does when he feels that way? Nothing.

Maybe he’ll watch a little porn, or maybe he’ll go to a bar and get drunk. Maybe he’ll even get drunk and call that woman at the office who always flirts with him, and she’ll think he is creepy for getting drunk and calling him, and their friendship will never be the same.

But you know what Tiger Woods does when he has a moment when he considers being unfaithful? He opens his eyes.

He opens his eyes and sees 10 women eager to fuck him. (and keep it to themselves)

Of course that motherfucker fucks.

Martin Luther King fucked. Gandhi fucked. Thomas Jefferson fucked. JFK fucked. Obama fucks.

Michael Jordan fucked a girl in the back seat of his SUV in the parking lot of a golf course in broad daylight, without a condom.*

Bill Clinton got his dick sucked in the OVAL OFFICE!

(And I’d be willing to bet that he’s far from the only President to have ejaculated in the Oval Office.)

(I’d be willing to bet that more Presidents have ejaculated in the Oval Office than haven’t.)

These are the most ambitious, powerful, competitive alpha men in the world.

If anything, Tiger’s wife should be thankful that he doesn’t have a bunch single moms knocking on his door demanding paternity tests and child support payments.

Tiger’s wife should talk to John Edwards’ wife or Jesse Jackson’s wife what that’s like.

(*I heard a second hand account of the Jordan story)

After Tiger’s wife, the next image to be tarnished will be that of the woman who’s been telling the media about her affair with Woods.

Her days of exchanging text messages and getting fucked by celebrities in Vegas bathrooms are over.

Even regular guys are going to think twice before getting involved with her. What if she gets into a fight with her next boyfriend? Who’s to say she’s not going to tell everyone about all of his sexual irregularities and inadequacies? Or just post all of his private messages on the internet?

Is some guy going to want to take her to his company Christmas party while a bunch of his friends are huddling in the corner saying stuff like, “There’s that woman who fucked Tiger Woods and told everyone about it.”

And then when he introduces her to his friends, they’ll say, “Hey, aren’t you that woman who fucked Tiger Woods and told everyone about it?”

Which leads me to the third reputation that will be tarnished – and this is the reputation that will be MOST tarnished: the reputation of Tiger Woods’ people.

It is safe to assume that Tiger Woods has an army of lawyers, publicists, managers and bodyguards. So why not spend an extra $100,000 a year and hire someone to manage his extramarital affairs?

A guy like Tiger Woods shouldn’t be exchanging text messages with women like this:

A guy like Tiger Woods shouldn’t be leaving voicemails for women who pose for pictures like this, with douche-bags like this:

There has to be an intermediary!

Do you know why we don’t hear stories about Bill Gates having extramarital affairs? Because there is a man on Microsoft’s payroll whose only job is to screen and handle all communications to and from any woman with whom Bill Gates will even consider copulating.

And in Tiger Woods’ situation, he won’t even have to pay the person’s salary. Nike will gladly tell its shareholders that they’ve invested $150,000/year in someone to manage Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs.

(There’s a serious argument for a breach of fiduciary duty lawsuit if it can be shown that someone on Nike’s board knew about this.)

And it’s one thing if a celebrity doesn’t have a manager of extramarital affairs because he is in the midst of a single and longstanding affair with a woman he trusts. (like John Edwards who happened to get caught by someone with a camera (and eventually because he impregnated the woman))

But Tiger Woods was just out there recklessly banging nightclub hostess and reality TV stars. It was downright irresponsible for him to be taking the chances he was taking given how incredibly low his standards had been set, and yet still not to have a competent employee managing his affairs. Tiger Woods should do nothing less than have someone on payroll as a bodyguard who handles all interactions with his mistresses short of a few minutes of flirting and the actual fucking.

(although there is an argument to be made that the affairs manager should also fuck the potential mistress before Woods to make sure that Tiger isn’t in for any unpleasant surprises)

Not all men are faithful, but some are. Some men will gladly sacrifice the thrill of sexual conquest in exchange for the joys of having a monogamous life partner. However, if you’re a woman looking for those types of men, perhaps Nike commercials aren’t the best place to start.