a long, focused, coherent narrative

(just kidding)

...

I've noticed that one of the questions people seem to ask in the furtherance of making polite conversation at social gatherings these days is, "Do you have any trips planned?"

The next time someone asks me that, my response is going to be, "Why the fuck would I have any trips planned?"

...


Do any of my male readers trim their pubic hair?

I'm not saying I've never done it, I'm just saying I'll never do it again.

And it's not because I've had a bad experience or anything; I just don't understand the purpose of it. There's no functional benefit. (If anything, you can argue that pubic hair provides a cushion.)

And I don't like the argument that it's for aesthetics. If you reach the point where a woman is looking at your pubic hair, then it's probably too late for aesthetics to have much of an impact on the impending proceedings.

...

Am I going to be known as the dumbass who bought Apple at $585/share?

(I'm just setting myself up for failure, and I know it, but here it comes:)

You know what Apple is good at doing?

Making superior products.

Have you ever compared an iPhone to an Android phone?

It's nothing short of funny. You'll actually laugh.

Have you ever compared a Mac to a PC?

In three years of owning a PC I probably spent over 20 hours on the phone with Dell customer service and required at least three in home visits. I've called Apple once in four years, and it was for help on an obscure software issue (software that wouldn't even come standard on a PC)

The only problem with Apple stock is that it's gone up too fast. I'm serious. Take a look under the hood. If anything that stock is undervalued. They don't have a single penny of debt.

I like Netflix too. The first time I tweeted was to advise followers to buy Netflix when it dropped under $70. If I had to chose between having cable or Netflix, I'd take Netflix even if they were the same price. (and Netflix is less than a fifth the price of cable.)

That all being said, I have absolutely no idea what moves stock prices these days.

...


Edvard Munch's masterpiece The Scream will be up for auction in a couple of weeks. It is expected to fetch around $80 million.

What's more surprising to me than a painting like this selling for $80 million is the fact that it has been stolen twice in the last 20 years.

What are you going to do with it if you steal it?

Sell it? Hang it up in the living room?

"Oh, is that a re-print of The Scream?"

"No, it's an original."

"Wait, aren't there only four originals? And aren't three of them in museums? And wasn't the fourth one stolen last month?"

"Yes to all."

...


Wouldn't it be great if your nickname was "The Maestro" ?

...


Trivia Question: What't the most commonly asked rhetorical question in America?


Answer: "Will you marry me?"

...

I'm not a writing snob --- I thoroughly enjoyed The Da Vinci Code despite it's wealth of stylistic deficiencies --- but I recently came across a sentence in Esquire magazine that was so bad I actually copied it into my notes.

Before I paste it below, just know that this sentence wasn't from some 100 word blurb, it comes from a 4,000 word feature that people on Longreads voted as one of their favorite stories of 2011. Ok, here it is:

"But Fred Thomas was also in the grip of something else besides fantasy, and what he was also in the grip of was the government that used its resources to make his fantasy real so that it could stop him from carrying it out."

Are you kidding me? How does that happen? It had to be proofread, right? Was that sentence some kind of inside joke? Did someone lose a bet? How about writing it like this?

But Fred Thomas was in the grip of something besides fantasy, he was in the grip of a government that used its resources to make his fantasy real in order to stop him from carrying it out. 

I think my sentences are shit. I truly do. From the bottom of my heart, I hate the way I write sentences. I cringe every time I read my writing. But man, reading that sentence made me feel good about my writing.

...


Here's a great Beatles' song I'm almost embarrassed to say I heard for the first time on XRT the other night. (I really need to sit down and listen to their entire catalogue.) Here's a cool demo of the evolution of the song. (funny how awful the first version sounds.) There are lots of covers on youtube, but the Black Keys cover was my favorite.

I was going to link to my favorite drum cover of the song, but EMI recently blocked it. Talk about a thankless job. Some poor guy posts a drum cover of a Beatles' song for people to enjoy, and you've gotta be the asshole at the big record company who tells him to go fuck himself.

...


What's manlier than a thick mane of pubic hair?

(serious question)

I guess the testicles themselves would be one answer.


...

What do you call a man without pubic hair?


A boy.

hunger games (and probably some tangents)

On the Hunger Games:

I thought the books were a more action packed and teenage friendly version of 1984. I enjoyed the first book, but thought the second and third could have been cut down to one. I actually put the third book down for a while and read some other stuff.


My main gripe with the film was that Katniss and Gale looked far too healthy.

Are we supposed to believe this guy is starving to the point where he's risking his life to hunt for squirrels?

The book wants us to believe he's starving because the government limits his supply of food. But if you watch movie you'll probably assume he's starving because he spends all of his money hair care products.

Look at that hair! Longer, but neatly trimmed---not covering his ears, no mess in the back. And could he be any cleaner shaven? I haven't been that clean shaven since I was 10.

And look at how thick he is!!

What kind of fucked up imagination do you need to believe this guy is starving???

He doesn't look like the son of a coal miner. He looks like the son of a coal mine owner.

He looks like the quarterback of the District 12 college football team.

Cindy just told me that he's dating Miley Cyrus. And that makes sense, because he looks like a guy who's dating a movie star.

The book does a great job of hammering home the point that the people of District 12 are on the verge of starvation, but seeing these two actors makes that absolutely impossible to believe. If anything you can make the argument that Katniss could lose a pound or two.


The film also changes the way she gets the Mockingjay pin. In the book it's given to her by a friend, but in the movie it's given to her by a vendor after Katniss inquires about its price --- I find it hard to believe she'd even consider buying jewelry given the desperate financial state depicted so well by the book. (But that's a nit-picky gripe.)

Other than that, I think the movie does the book justice.

...

This is kind of an interesting story. Might not be worth reading the entire thing, but it taught me that high stakes blackjack players can actually negotiate the rules of blackjack with a casino to even out the odds.

(And "high stakes" means someone who will play with $500,000.)

...

Maybe I'm getting old and soft, but this 60 Minutes segment about a symphony orchestra in the Congo almost got an asshole like me choked up.

...

Do people who write smooth jazz write it with the hopes that it gets played in hotel and office lobbies? Are they writing it knowing they're going to sell it to call centers for hold music? Or are they doing it for the love of smooth jazz? Are they out there trying to book gigs playing this stuff? (I'm actually digging this second track) (treat yourself to a listen)

...

Some interesting stuff on olive oil in this article, (this is the longer one if you're really interested) Might not be worth your time, but here's some info:

1) Real extra-virgin olive oil is expensive so it is sometimes mixed with inferior vegetable oils and mislabeled as olive oil.

2) To be "extra-virgin" the oil can only be extracted by a press or centrifuge --- no heat, no chemicals. It must also meet 32 chemical requirements, including being less than .8 percent acid. Frauds can often be detected by chemical tests, but when those fail, the oils are subjected to government a sponsored "Olive Oil Tasting Panel." (aka - human beings who believe their palates are superior to chemical testing. Imagine the egos in that room.)

3) The author of the article and other olive oil aficionados enjoy drinking olive oil neat, which reminds me,

4) I know a guy who ran 50 miles a couple of years ago and drank olive oil during the race to get calories.

...

Cindy just got home from work and I had the smooth jazz playing and the first thing she said when she walked in was, "Are you trying to seduce me?"

quick thoughts on the healthcare debate

From an op-ed in The Wall St. Journal:

At stake in ObamaCare is whether the High Court will ignore 225 years of constitutional understanding to ratify the federal government's claim that it can force individual Americans to buy an insurance product—to engage in commerce—so it can then regulate all of the health-care market.

From an op-ed in The Atlantic:

But if the Court were to strike down the act it would be a fundamental reversal of generations of judicial deference to federal economic legislation.

Knowing I can read from multiple sources online, wouldn't these publications be smart enough to concede that there are two sides to this argument, and neither of them are evil?

Someone is going to lose. Either it'll be sick people with pre-existing conditions that no insurance company will accept. Or it'll be younger healthier people who don't have full time jobs and don't want to put all of their saving into a comprehensive health insurance plan they won't use for another 20+ years.

The argument that young people will eventually need insurance is a good one, and I'd be 100% on board if I believed my money was being used efficiently and that there'd be some left when I needed it.

The other concern is that if I'm being forced to pay for people's healthcare, then I'm going to want to criminalize cigarettes. I'm going to want a federal mandate on exercise. If some dumbass gets hurt ski jumping or skateboarding, I don't want him covered under any insurance plan that I am legally obligated to subsidize.

If I am forced to pay for people's healthcare, it becomes my interest to keep them healthy.