lack of control

(taken down to proofread)

real quick quickies

After I paid for my lunch today, the girl at the register asked whether I wanted a receipt. I hesitated because this weekend Cindy read me part of an article saying that the ink on certain receipts can cause cancer. (I took the receipt anyway. (And then I threw it out immediately (which is what I always do with receipts.)))

Afterwards, I e-mailed Cindy to say that I was a bit paranoid about taking a receipt because of what she had read to me. She responded by telling me she had also just read an article saying that sunscreen may cause cancer (which was troubling to her because she likes to go out in the sun and wear sunscreen.)

Then I remembered that this weekend we had checked what kind of plastic our water bottles were made of because the receipt article also said that certain plastic bottles can cause cancer.

And when I thought about all of this, I realized the primary cause of cancer:

Not having cancer.

...

I sit next to a girl at work, and when I got back to my desk this afternoon, she told me that she was feeling full from eating a big salad. I wanted to respond, "Yeah, I'm feeling full too, which is weird because I just took a big heavy dump."

But I didn't say that. Instead, I said, "Yeah, me too."

Probably because once on another project I sat across from a girl while I was on a Subway kick, and she was asking me all of these questions about why I liked Subway, and so I eventually replied, "Because not only does a Subway sandwich taste good going in, but it feels wonderful and clean coming out."

The girls acted all grossed out, and so I told her not to ask questions to which she was not prepared to hear the answers.

So can I talk about my dumps at work with women in scientific detail, or not?

What else are shit aficionados like Millis and I supposed to talk about? We're sportsmen.

Shitting matters.

...

Remember this note from a little while ago:

Juice had the copper pipes stolen from his air conditioner for the second time this year 

This is especially annoying because the thief will only get $75 for the pipes, but it will cost over $500 to repair the air conditioner.

I gave Juice the following advice after the first theft, and I'll say it again now: He should put a note on the air conditioner that says this:

Dear Thief,

Instead of stealing my copper pipes, please bring this note to my front door and I will give you $100 cash.

Well, since then, Juice had a cage put around his air conditioner.

So the following week, there was a ring on Juice's doorbell. And when Juice answered, a man stood there and calmly said, "Just give me $100 cash or I'll kill you. Simple as that. Sorry you had to waste money on that cage. And we can set up direct deposit if you don't want me coming over here every month."

...

Lets play, find the adulterated word on the chalkboard at Potbelly's...

Quickies

I'm not going to waste your time and -- more importantly -- my time with this Park51/Cordoba House "controversy." (Long story short: a man who owns land a couple blocks north of Ground Zero wants to build a Mosque there, and some people vehemently oppose it.)

(Here are arguments in favor and against it if you're interested)

(I support the argument in favor of building it because having the freedom to believe what you want to believe and voice those beliefs is kind of the whole point of America.)

And I'll also add that I think it's hypocritical when people use the word "freedom" to demand the right to own guns and not pay taxes, and then forget the meaning of the word when it comes to building a place of worship on private property.

I'd respect their argument if they simply said, "I want to be free to do the things I want to do. And I want you to be free to do the things I want to do."

(I'm serious. I wouldn't agree with it, but I'd respect that argument.)

And it's kind of troubling that we live in a media environment where some of those people -- who are either dumb or dishonest -- can have such a powerful voice.

(and meanwhile I've got two people reading this cock-forsaken blog)


(did anyone else get a laugh out of the "I'm not going to waste your time -- and more importantly -- my time" line at the beginning of this post? I thought it was kind of funny when I wrote it, but then I got a really big laugh out of it when I proofread it.)

...

Businesses have to pay a service charge for accepting credit cards, and so I sympathize with them for wanting customers to pay with cash. However, I prefer paying with a card because I don't like carrying change in my pocket.

So I propose this compromise: businesses should have prices that come out to whole numbers after tax. (or offer combos that come out to whole numbers after tax)

Or, perhaps more realistically: businesses should offer customers half of what the credit card fee would have been as a reward for paying with cash.

...

Here's a link to Nania's blog.

(Nania is Cindy's friend (who I mentioned in the previous post) who quit her job to go back to school at University of Michigan to get her MFA in creative writing. And not only is she getting a full scholarship to go to Michigan, but she's getting a stipend to cover her living expenses! AND, she only has class two days a week!!)

(So they shouldn't call it an MFA program. They should call it what it really is:  heaven.)

(And I'm almost starting to get out of control with the parentheses.)

(Almost.)

But seriously, when Nania becomes a famous novelista, you'll be able to say that you were reading her blog before anyone else had ever heard of her.

(I only used the word "novelista" because this morning Cindy referred to me as a "barista" since I make her coffee. I thought that sounded kind of feminine, but she assured me that "barista" refers to men and women. (I was thinking "barister" or "baristo" sounded more masculine.))

The Case Against High Definition Movies

Most people think I'm crazy when I tell them I prefer watching movies in Standard Definition.

High Definition movies look too real. It makes me feel like I'm on the set watching actors read their lines. There's a certain separation that I've grown accustomed to with Standard Definition, and it's just not there in HD.

Now don't get me wrong, I'd rather watch sports and nature shows in HD. But I think that's because I'd actually want to be at the sporting event -- as close to the action as possible. (And the same is true with the nature shows.)

But I don't want to be on a movie set.

Ok, here's long one

Preface --

I wrote the following story about four months ago, and then kind of forgot about it.

It's long, and the thought of proofreading it was daunting, so I just let it sit in my computer.

But this morning, Cindy's best friend Nania started a blog. Nania is a very smart and thoughtful writer who I admire for giving up a promising career as a speech pathologist in order to pursue her dream of being a fiction writer. (She recently an MFA program at University of Michigan.) Some of you may remember Nania from my wedding -- she was Cindy's maid of honor, and she gave a speech that made me laugh, and then made me cry, and then made me think, "Holy shit! How the hell is Darayus supposed to follow that??"

(And to his credit, he went up there and followed it.)

So anyway, Nania dedicated her first blog post to me! She even said that the writing on this blog inspired her to start blogging. (Needless to say, I was honored.)

(Ok, she didn't cite the "In Defense of Tony Heyward" post I just linked to. But I reread that post today -- and there's some good stuff in there.)

(I'll link to her blog later. For now she only wants the people she told to read it -- until she becomes more comfortable with blogging. And more importantly, her blog probably doesn't have the bandwidth to handle the millions of hits she'll get if I link to her blog.)

Nania's first post was about her first day in an Asian-American Literary and Cultural Studies class (which -- unbeknownst to her -- was a PhD level course, full of PhD level minds.) At one point she wrote about her reasons for taking the class, one of which was this,

I'm also interested in "trans-culturalism"... where people feel they are essentially caught in the middle of two different cultures -- and have experienced how alienating and difficult it is to live in the "in-between."

That is not necessarily what the following story is about, but reading that sentence certainly reminded me of it.

--------

I'll repost this

Picture of the Day

I just opened my iPhoto program and told myself I would post the first picture that jumped out at me. This picture from early 2004 was the very first picture I saw!

Quick explanation:
- The man on the left is Spencer
- The woman on the right is Devin
- The picture was taken on the night that Spencer and Devin first met (it was a 1991 themed party)
- The pink blazer that Spencer is wearing was picked out that afternoon by me from a second hand store with the promise that if he wore it, he'd meet a great girl that night

And here's another picture of Spencer and Devin that was taken a few months ago:

Post hoc ergo propter hoc?

(I say no, because I actually called it pre hoc)

(I've jokingly given myself credit for that, but I've never taken it seriously until right now.)

(Spencer, naming one of your kids after me shouldn't be out of the question. If anything, Cyrus should be the frontrunner for a son.)

(And Cyrusina should be in the conversation for a girl.)