(Listen, this is not for everyone. It might not necessarily even be for baseball fans. Trust me.)
Backstory: This post came about when Spencer -- another owner in our league -- texted me one morning because his team was in last place, and asked that I give them a pep talk. I can't tell you how quickly I wrote this. I just started typing, and this is what came out.
Characters: Mike Hargrove is a former MLB manager who is the mythical manager of my team. And I have given myself a certain type of persona as a fantasy baseball owner. Ok, here's the post:
AP, May 18, 2009
Chaz Irani and Mike Hargrove paid a visit to star pitcher Johan Santana at his Greenwich compound this morning. After the visit, they all decided to take a trip into midtown for manicures, massages and lunch. On their way in, Santana asked the limo driver to stop at the new Yankee Stadium so he could get his first look at the park. As the three toured the dugout, Irani spotted BBQ Batsmen owner Spencer King walking towards the field with Alex Rodriguez.
After exchanging pleasantries and agreeing on a weekend when Irani would take his family to stay with King at his winter home in Waialua Beach, King mentioned that his team was in the locker-room for a meeting and suggested that Irani pop in to visit his former pitcher CC Sabathia.
Most of the players conversed by their lockers when Irani entered the room, although none were very animated because the defending champion Batsmen were in last place. Irani and Sabathia hugged and spoke for a few minutes, and then Irani addressed the team.
"Listen, I don't have much to say, except that your team owner is one of the true gentlemen of this league, and if I were you, I'd be working really hard to get him back up to the top where he belongs. So it's time to pick it up. There's a lot of talent in this locker-room, lets put it to good use."
Irani noticed Randy Johnson sulking at his corner locker. Knowing his reputation as a sensitive player, he thought little of it and continued. "I think once everyone gets healthy, things'll turn around for you. So hang in there."
After his speech, Irani asked King to join him for lunch, King gladly accepted. And as Irani prepared to leave, he commented, "Meet us at La Bernadin at noon, bring CC, and bring Randy too."
King was surprised. "Don't you have to wear a jacket in that place. They didn’t let Bloomberg eat lunch in there last week because he didn’t have a jacket, it was all over Page Six. And don't you need to book a few weeks in advance to get a table?"
"Don't worry, just tell them you're with me."
Irani, Hargrove and Santana were already on their second bottle of Lafitte when King's party arrived at the waiting area. The silver-haired tuxedo clad maitre'd immediately noticed them and rudely commented (with a French accent), "I'm sorry gentlemen, but as you can see, a jacket is required."
King hesitantly replied, "Uh, we're with Irani, should be a party of 6."
The maitre'd shivered and dropped to his knees. "Oh my god, I am so sorry. Sil vous plait. Oh god, oh god. Oh god oh god oh god."
"It's ok man, don't worry about it, can we go in now?"
"Oh my god! Of course, of course! Please, can I get you anything for your walk to the table? I'll send over caviar, it's on me. Oh, so sorry for the inconvenience."
Sabathia jumped in, "There's no inconvenience man, how were you supposed to know we were with him?"
"Oh god." The maitre'd looked straight down, "We're supposed to know. Oh my god, we're supposed to know."
"Don't worry about it man, it's cool."
The maitre'd dry heaved, "Oh god, I've been here for 20 years, and now this... At the worst time... with my daughter just starting college."
"Man, it's ok"
"Oh thank you, thank you." He paused for a moment and continued, "May I?"
"May you what?"
"May I rise from my knees?"
Sabathia looked at King, he was confused, then he looked back at the maitre'd, "Yeah man, of course you can rise."
The maitre'd kept his eyes on the floor, but stood up and hurriedly ushered the men through the crowded restaurant and into Irani's section towards the back of the restaurant.
Upon seeing the party, he quickly dropped to his knees, focused his eyes on the ground and pointed towards their table.
The caviar arrived as they sat, and Irani – with caviar already dripping down his chin – asked, "What's with the extra caviar?"
Sabathia looked over to Santana, and answered, "Man, this guy was freaking out because he didn't realize that we were with you, but as soon as Spencer said your name, he dropped to his knees and started apologizing like crazy. Then he said he'd send over some caviar on him."
Irani looked up at the maitre'd, "We've already got caviar."
The maitre'd paused and continued to look at the ground and finally said, "Sorry sir, I didn't know..."
"Look don't worry about it man, It's cool." Irani replied.
The owner walked over to their eating area, "Mr. Irani, is everything ok?"
"Yeah, everything's fine thanks, and we'll take another Lafitte. And it better be pre-revolutionary war this time!"
The owner smiled. Irani looked back at him and then quickly pointed his pinky finger at the maitre'd, and made a subtle shake of his head.
The owner immediately began to escort the Maitre'd away, "Come on, lets go."
"What? Am I fired?"
"Of course you're fired."
After a couple of more bottles of Lafitte, they were ready to order, Hargrove pressed a button on the table and the executive chef quickly rushed into the room. "What can I get for you today?"
"Ladies first..." Irani said as he pointed at King.
King ordered the squab, Sabathia ordered two lobsters, and Johnson ordered the monkfish.
Hargrove and Santana both ordered Kobe Beef, leaving all eyes on Irani.
Irani looked to Johnson, "Hey Randy, what did you say you were having?"
"I'm gonna try the monkfish." He sheepishly replied.
"Oh yeah? Monkfish? Hang on a second." Irani stood up and headed towards the kitchen, "I'm gonna run back to the kitchen and take a look at the monkfish to help me decide, I'll be right back"
A few minutes later, Irani returned carrying a 15 lb slab of Kobe Beef. He smiled and approached Johnson, "Hey, guys, take a look at the Kobe Beef today, you should really consider trying it. Look at that marbling."
He walked over to Randy while cradling the slab of beef in his arms like a baby, "Take a look at this."
Randy looked at it and said, "Ok, I'll have that instead."
"Anyone else?"
Sabathia also changed his mind too, "Yeah, switch one of my lobsters with a cut of the Kobe."
"Ok, sounds good, I'm gonna take this back to the kitchen, I'll be right back."
Irani turned to leave the room, but paused for a moment and turned back, "Oh yeah, Randy..."
As Johnson turned to look back, Irani quickly grabbed the beef like a baseball bat and swung it has hard as he could at Johnson's face.
The impact sent Johnson tumbling out of his chair and onto the ground. As he scrambled to get up, Irani dove on top of him, leading with the slab of beef. He shoved the raw beef into Johnson's face. With Johnson’s head pressed against the ground, Irani shouted, "You're out there wearing Spencer King's uniform and getting embarrassed on that mound, and then you have the audacity to sit down to break bread with us and you're gonna order the goddamn monkfish??!! Huh?"
Johnson voice was muffled as he tried to shout through the beef.
"What'd you say? Huh? What'd you say to me? I can't hear you! You're gonna have to speak up!"
He continued to violently smother Johnson with the beef. He momentarily lifted it from his mouth to allow Johnson a desperate gasp of air, then he immediately shoved the beef back on his face, and this time, he actually tried to stick a portion of it into Johnson’s mouth, "Eat it! Eat it you motherfucker!! Eat the beef!!"
Johnson was no longer struggling, the life was getting choked out of him. Irani put his mouth to Johnson’s ear and whispered, "Eat the goddamn beef, brother."
He kept his mouth there for a few more seconds, and then screamed, "EAT THE BEEF!!! EAT! THE! BEEEEEEEF!"
Johnson’s head and body were motionless, his limbs twitched.
"HUH? YOU HEAR ME?"
Irani finally removed the beef from Johnson's face and stood up.
Johnson laid there motionless for a few seconds, and then coughed and slowly turned to his side and vomited.
Irani heaved the slab of beef at Johnson's head, the impact slammed his head into the ground and knocked him unconscious. Irani looked up briefly, and noticed that a crowd had gathered. He turned to the executive chef and quietly said, "Cancel his order, he's gonna have the beef."
"And for you sir?"
"Hmm,,,, you know what... I'll try that monkfish."
He studied the room and said, "And get that goddamn maitre'd in here to clean up this mess before he leaves."
Santana looked a bit uneasy from the smell of the vomit and began to make his way towards the bathroom, he stopped, turned around and looked back at Hargrove and asked "Hey, can you toss me my shirt?"
Hargrove took the shirt off the couch behind the table and threw it to Santana, who laughed and threw it back and said, "That's Cyrus's shirt. Mine is the tank top."
Hargrove lifted the tank top off the couch and tossed it to Santana. Santana caught it and put it on and headed to the bathroom.
